No longer in love but am I doing the right thing?

[sillysally89]

Me and my partner have been together nearly 11 years & have a 4yr old DD.

For the past 12 months our relationship has gone downhill. We didn't share a bed for years, never spent anytime together as he was always working, whenever he wasn't working fishing would always come before us.
He would never take me out anywhere & would always make excuses to not do anything with me.
On top of this I was left to manage all housework, childcare & life admin myself, whilst also working a 40hr week. I was treated like a mum/housemaid & not a partner/lover.

He suffers with PTSD, depression & anxiety, I have tried to support him with this for years but I have nothing left to give. I'm sure I had slight PND after the birth of my DD but I feel I wasn't supported & was left to pull myself out of the "black hole" so to speak, because Its always about his mental health.

I would tell him how his actions made me feel, but he would just be dismissive, not listen & just accuse me of being a nag. So I gave up telling him & stopped caring.

Due to all this I have lost respect for him, have fallen out of love, don't fancy him anymore & have developed "the ick"

A couple of months ago I met another man & we developed a connection. I realised I needed to speak with my partner so I sat him down & told him I wasn't happy & things needed to change.
Since then he has made all these changes I said I needed, but I think it is all just too late, he's also become very suffocating & needy, which is just pushing me further away.

My feelings for him have not changed since we spoke & he made the changes I said I needed (or should I say lack of feelings) and I just feel numb when it comes to my emotions for him.

I have asked for a break from the relationship to sort out my head, I don't know if this is going to help but I don't know what else to try.

I don't know what to do, I don't want to break up my family but I cant keep living a lie.

Can feelings come back?

Am I making the right decision? I have no fear of being a single mum as I feel like I've been one all this time anyway.

Feelings CAN come back, but only if you aren't directing your attentions elsewhere. Love and marriage are bloody hard, they take work and it isn't always a fairytale. It is a choice to commit even when you aren't feeling it in the faith that this love you have is forever. You need to make a choice. Either seriously work at your relationship or make a firm break, this half hearted situation is not doing anyone any favours.

I agree with PP.

They can if you work at it.
I know you've asked him to change and he has done, but have you made any conscious efforts to try and repair the damage? It takes two people to make a marriage work.

@Hummusanddipdip we are not married, but I understand it take 2 to make it work. I feel like I have tried, but its hard when I have no romantic feelings towards him.
Any sort of affection just feels awkward & forced.

Yes feelings can come back. Maybe not to the stage where you are ripping each others clothes off in the heat of passion but you can learn to love someone again.

I did. Like you I felt I had lost all love for my DH. We spent a week apart followed by couples counselling. The week apart have him time to think and gave him a kick up the ass. Counselling helped us both see we had enough to fight for and helped us with communicating better.

The grass isn't always greener. So often you hear people regret separating and their next relationships not working out.

As he is coming across as needy, which is off-putting when you have the ick, having a break and some space could be just what you need to work out if feeling can come back. If he is agreeable to it, even better. Don't make any future promises though, there are no guarantees that it will come back.

This is like a reverso script

@Socialyawkward I'm new to Mumsnet. What is a reverso script?