Shall I leave my husband?

[Katie281]

I'm sorry for the long post but I really don't know what to do and have no one to talk too. I have been with my husband for 20yrs.. we were going only 15 when we got together so have never known anything else than to be with each other. We have two children 11y boy and 6y girl. We have always had quite a rocky relationship but always stick together. I always wanted to get married but he never wanted to. During lock down we spent so much time together and it actually made us really close and he suddenly said lets get married. I was over the moon. We have been married 2 years now and I am seriously regretting it. I feel stupid in a way as I have probably felt like this for quite a while(before we got married) so should never have done it but I suppose felt like getting married would make things better!! He blows hot and cold with me all the time, everyday I come home from work I never know whether he's going to be in a mood and not speak to me or whether he's going to be all over me with affection. It's one or the other. A month after we were married he went really low and has been on antidepressants for the past 2 years,but never tells me how he feels or talks to me and then has a go at me when I don't support him. I try my hardest but it's really hard, to the point I feel like I'm getting depressed just living this life and when I try and tell him how I feel he dismisses it. He never does anything round the house to help. He literally goes to work, comes home, lies on the sofa and falls asleep. I work full time, come home, make the tea, clean up, do the washing, help kids with homework, walk the dogs, put kids to bed and everything else in between. Whenever I get asked to go out for a night out with some friends, I feel like I can't go cus he moans if he has to stay at home with the kids on his own, then he's constantly texting me when I'm out asking when I'm going to be back. Then he won't speak to me for over a week for no reason. My mother in law has never liked me and feel like out relationship has been forced for the past 20 years, with years of not speaking in between, but he never sticks up for me or calls her out. He carries on going to see her and I have to stay at home. Last year, she just suddenly refused to look after the kids for me anymore then stopped speaking to me for no reason. And he just accepts and has never questioned her about it and continues to go round there playing happy families without me. I feel mentally drained and need to get out, but then I feel bad because I know he suffers with anxiety and depression but how long do I let this go on before it effects me and the kids! I don't love him anymore but I'm terrified of leaving.

It sounds utterly miserable. Why are you terrified at the thought of splitting up? Have you had a good think about exactly what you're scared of?

It sounds like it’s over and you would be better off as a single mother.

What scares you about it? It sounds like you do everything anyway, and not having to deal with Mr Manipulative would be a huge weight off

What factors here are stopping you from leaving?. Giving you spaghetti head is par for the course in abusive relationships. His abusive behaviour towards you is already affecting your kids as well as you. He is controlling you on your nights out and that is abusive behaviour from him too. He in addition is lazy and his whole being is the root cause of your misery.

Abusive men sometimes cite depression and anxiety as reasons for their behaviour when they are infact neither. Currently he is showing you the nice/nasty cycle of abuse and that is a continuous one. He's likely behaved similarly throughout your entire relationship with the abuse further ramping up when you had your first child. You met him when you were but a child yourself and with no life experience behind you at that time. May I ask what your home life was like at that time?. I ask only as that may have played a role in all this too. He targeted you.

His mother is abusive and so is your now husband; the rotten apple that is he did not fall far from the tree.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?.

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none. Better to be alone than to be so badly accompanied and staying with an abuser will further affect both you and your children markedly.

You have legal rights so I would exercise them fully re divorcing this man. Seek legal advice; you do not have to act on it immediately but knowledge here is power. I would also urge you to contact Womens Aid when he is out and talk through your options with them. He won't make the process of divorcing him easy and he will remain abusive for the rest of his days but the freedom you will gain is priceless.

Thank you for the replies. The main factor of me being scared to leave is the effect on the kids...I won't be able to afford to stay in the house on my own, I have quite a bit of debt so will need to sell the house to pay that off and then rent so then I will have to move the kids out of a home they love without there dad and it breaks my heart having to do all that to them. I also don't think I am strong enough to go.. I know I'm strong enough to live on my own with the kids, but I'm not strong enough to actually leave.. As soon as I tell him I'm going, which I have done before he will start getting upset and telling me he loves me and will change and like a mug I just say okay and it will get better for a period of time but then I end up like how I'm feeling now again and just haven't the energy anymore. I'm coasting through life as it's the easy option.

I suspect the hostility from MIL is as a result of him having a moan/vent and eliciting sympathy. Of course she is only hearing it from his perspective, unless she also has issues. Pity he isn't more forthcoming in communication with you. Could you set time aside to raise the situation with him and put ball in his court that you expect and need more help in the home otherwise you refuse to carry on as might as well be single. Agree to divvy up the work load more fairly.

It must be exhausting treading on egg shells OP, not only with DH but her too.

As you've said it would be hard to leave financially at the moment so start getting the debts down and please urge him to seek help for his depression and behaviour.

Your children seeing you abused like you are will have far more reaching effects on them in the long term than you leaving him. They are also learning from you about relationships and currently at least in their eyes, this treatment of you is acceptable to you on some level. Would you want them
to have a relationship like this?. No and you would want better for them.

You are describing several examples of abuse in your initial post. Abuse is not a relationship issue nor is it about communication or a perceived lack of, it’s about power and control. Staying with him and listening to his weaselly words has and will only ground you down even more.

He does not treat his work colleagues like he does you. He's likely all sweet and nice to them.

I would again urge you to seek
legal advice regarding all aspects of separation including the debt. Work a way out from this based on facts, not suppositions.

Do not let your fears stop you here, set yourself free from the abuse you are describing. The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none. Women are also not rehab centres for such badly raised men.

I've been through 2 big separations. One was a nasty, manipulative, lazy arsehole. I've struggled financially since our split but never regretted it for a second (not married, no kids). I'm emotionally so at peace and would rather be single than stuck with him another minute. The first one is more complicated. We had our DC young and grew apart. No major rows, just the underlying tone we could be happier. Now having to deal with being a single parent, dating as a single parent, watching ex be happy and have a new baby, losing financial stability, having to share my DC at Xmas/birthdays/holidays, co-parenting etc. It's a whole new set of very very hard challenges. It sounds like you're a bit in the middle of my two situations and only you know really if the familiarity and experience that you have had ups as well as the downs is worth working on. From my experience I'd try and gain financial independence whilst still working things out, but it's hard to tell how bad it is from a few paragraphs.i just wanted to highlight that walking away is not always the easier option! Having DC means this man is part of your life forever if you split or not.

You don't have to do anything now OP. Have a think about your finances. How quickly can you pay off your debts? Can you get a better paid job or do some training? You have time. You can do these while you are planning to leave. Plan, pay of debts and leave at your leisure.

This, and seek some counselling with DH to assist with mental health and how to encourage H to do some routine chores.

Let him groan as much as he likes but he should be helping. You need to have a night out every week too