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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I feel unloved by dh

28 replies

Star348 · 11/12/2023 20:18

I'm not really sure where to begin just that I'm really struggling. I just feel so unloved and uncared for by dh that I feel like I can't carry on anymore.

He shows me virtually no physical affection whatsoever: no kisses, never says bye when he leaves for work let alone hugs or kisses me (same when he gets home), in bed if i try to initiate anything (just even a cuddle) he either pushes me away, says 'what are you doing?' or he has wrapped the duvet round himself so its impossible for me to even touch him... It makes me feel so unwanted. Occasionally like maybe once a month or so, he will initiate and basically want sex and I guess I feel I'm expected to be up for that. I don't need constant physical touch but I'm really struggling with this behaviour and it's basically got to the point where I have to ask for a cuddle which he sometimes begrudgingly gives and then pushes me away after a few mins.

For background, we are early 30s and have one 3 year old who mostly sleeps ok. I don't think it can be that he doesn't find me attractive anymore...I take care of myself and am slim/have a nice figure by anyone's standards... I think.

It's not just physical affection, I just feel unsupported by him, like he isn't really interested in me or my life but he expects me to be super interested in all his work stuff and hobbies (whilst showing no interest in mine).

Tonight he came home and the first thing he said was 'where's dinner?' because it was his expectation that I would have it ready for him (I would have done but I wasn't well today). He then made a fuss about having to cook something else which was really quick and easy. When I questioned him on this later, he twisted everything I said and made excuses ...when I said he didn't show me any care whatsoever, he said he doesn't have time.

I'm not sure I can carry on like this. And I don't understand.

OP posts:
Hibambinos · 11/12/2023 20:20

This is him. It’s not getting any better. Start to think of life without him and start planning your escape . I wouldn’t put up with this op.

sending u hugs OP

Original poster
Star348 · 11/12/2023 20:23

@Hibambinos thank you for replying. I've thought about leaving before but it's really hard

OP posts:
BCBird · 11/12/2023 20:24

I understand you feeling unhappy. Is there anyway you can go somewhere neutral and talk about this? Perhaps there is something bothering him. It does not excuse his behaviour towards you however

Original poster
Star348 · 11/12/2023 20:32

@BCBird what do you mean by somewhere neutral? Counselling? If so, I don't think he would ever agree to that. To be honest, I know what's bothering him, it's that he thinks I don't do enough and he wants everything his way

OP posts:
Dery · 11/12/2023 21:25

He sounds pretty horrible, OP. Hard to see why you would stick around someone who constantly rejects you. And it’s a very bad relationship model for your daughter. But since you have a small child, it’s probably best to have a go at retrieving the situation if you possibly can, before you call it quits. Has he always behaved like this or has his behaviour deteriorated quite recently? You say he thinks you don’t do enough but what is it he thinks you should be doing more of?

EarthSight · 11/12/2023 21:35

he either pushes me away, says 'what are you doing?

OP - his behaviour, in my book, is of someone who is just about holding on to resentment, contempt or even disgust. He doesn't even want to cuddle or hold you for fuck's sake.

You've been exposed to this behaviour for so long that it's ground you down, and now you feel sad, alone and deflated. Would your past self felt like this? Or would she have been angry at being treated like this? As if you are just some smelly strange who's walked up to him on the street??

As far as I'm concerned, you don't have a marriage. You might be legally tied to him, but this is not a relationship to me. I'm not even sure if you have a friendship since a lot of good friend don't treat each other like this.

like he isn't really interested in me or my life but he expects me to be super interested in all his work stuff and hobbies (whilst showing no interest in mine

That's because it's a one way street. You are there to be his service human, his counsellor, but he is not interested in the inner workings of your mind the same way as most people would not ponder about the inner workings of a washing machine.

Sorry you are in such a 'relationship', or situation I should say. You deserve better.

autienotnaughty · 11/12/2023 21:37

My husband is not overly affectionate. I found this difficult as he was very touchy feely in the early years. But he will comfort and listen to me when I need him to. We do hold hands sometimes and usually kiss goodbye. And he wouldn't push me away if I hug/kiss him, he responds when I tell him I love him.

Your partner sounds like he's not very nice. I'd want a serious conversation about the longevity of the relationship and what that would look like. He doesn't have to be affectionate but he should treat you with love and respect.

gamerchick · 11/12/2023 21:39

Humans need physical touch. I'd feel starved and gutted if my husband pushed me away. No way I'd want to live like that. He has total contempt for you.

So now you do nothing for him. Nothing.

Circumferences · 11/12/2023 21:46

I feel really sad on your behalf.
A relationship should bring you comfort, security and warmth/affection. Some laughs too if you like that sort of thing.

What's the dynamic around your 3yo do you share parenting responsibility like pick-up / drop-off from nursery or meal planning, laundry etc? You mention he works FT, Do you work too?
Do you have parents yours or his who support you?
Early years parenting can be so challenging I'm just wondering if you have enough support.

LightSpeeds · 11/12/2023 21:48

It sounds like he doesn't even like you never mind love you.

I'm really sorry - it must be awful.

MrsTerryPratchett · 11/12/2023 21:51

Tonight he came home and the first thing he said was 'where's dinner?'

In order for him to think this is something acceptable to say, several things need to be true. He needs to believe you have no boundaries, he has to be a misogynist, he has to have contempt for you, and he has to believe you won't do anything. In a healthy marriage, the response to 'where's my dinner?' Would be variously, 'excuse me' 'LOL' 'up your arse' or 'nice try'. What did you say?

Lavender14 · 11/12/2023 21:55

When did things change op? Presumably he hasn't always been like this?

I agree you need to find a time when your dc is out of the house and dh is available. Tell him you need to talk to him, that what you want to tell him is very important to you and you need him to listen fully before he responds. Then I'd say basically what you've said here, that you feel there's a big disconnect in your relationship at the moment, that you've been feeling that he's distant and isn't as responsive as normal and you feel unsupported and like he's lost interest. I'd tell him that you love him and you don't want to leave him but that this is hugely affecting you and you need things to change. Then I'd ask him for how he feels things are between you and ask if there's anything going on that is affecting him that you should know about.

He'll either open up and tell you what's going on, step up and start doing more and meet your needs a bit more, or things will continue as they are and then op you have a choice to make about how long you're willing to let this go for. You can't make a relationship work when only one person is putting in effort it has to be a two way street. If there's something going on in his life then he needs to communicate that with you and find a way to manage it.

He does sound selfish and uncaring but marriages are complex. It might be worth suggesting mediation or counseling to try and address these issues but you can't force him to do anything, all you can do is control how you respond.

Do you have other support networks if you did decide to leave would you feel about to manage?

Tistheseasontobejollytrala · 11/12/2023 21:56

Trust your feelings. If you don’t feel loved it’s because he’s not loving you.
There are many ways to separate and all of them start with the first step. You do it your way at your pace.
You can ask this forum for any information you need and someone , or many, will tell you what that information is or how to find it.
You can do it.

Catoo · 11/12/2023 22:01

Sorry OP. He’s a horrible human.
Don't let this carry on.

You’re young and have plenty of time to move on and make a new life for you and DC. Start getting all financial info etc organised and get some legal advice.

Maybe tell DH that unless he changes, you need to go your separate ways. And mean it. If he doesn’t act then you know without doubt it’s the right way forward.

I don’t know how long it’s been going on but if it’s a while, it takes some kind of person to punish you like this for ‘not doing enough’. It’s like he’s trying to train you into being his servant. He can fuck off quite frankly.

💐

Original poster
Star348 · 11/12/2023 22:37

@Dery he's always had a tendency to be selfish and uncaring when things don't go his way, the lack of affection is more recently but still been going on for a while (years)
@Circumferences he works FT (3 days at home, other 2 in office 25 min drive away), I work PT 15hours a week, I do ALL the housework, gardening, cooking, admin, looking after pets, walk dogs more than 50% of time, look after daughter 2 days (in nursery other 3). I take her to nursery 1 day, he does other two. He does have to pick her up most of the time because I work in evenings but when I can I will pick her up too. At weekends, he frequently spends at least half a day playing/watching sports whilst I'm at home with dd and managing everything in the house, he still expects me to make dinner in these situations. I rarely go out on my own at the weekend. His parents and family are not close by, I don't have any family
@Lavender14 he's always been like this to a degree but got worse since our daughter was born. He resents me because I have a long term illness but I can't help it.

OP posts:
Holdingsteady · 11/12/2023 23:19

I was going to write a long response but on second thoughts here is my first LTB

Your DH sounds like a selfish bastard who doesn’t even like you.

You can do better OP

Socialyawkward · 11/12/2023 23:28

This is not love not even a glimpse of it and I don't often suggest LTB as a first point of action but do it

SwordToFlamethrower · 11/12/2023 23:34

He's trying to break your spirit. Kick him out! Get rid. What a nasty, nasty man

VeryQuaintIrene · 11/12/2023 23:39

Surely you don't want 40 or more years of this crap? It will be hard now to leave but you could find someone nice, I am sure.

IfOnlyOurEyesSawSouls · 11/12/2023 23:50

Do not do couples counselling.

Please speak to Womens Aid and get some support.

This will make you ill and he will get worse.

Jas5mum · 12/12/2023 00:12

Sounds similar to my OH.
I've had a shit day because of him and his solution is to not eat and then go to bed leaving me with a sick 3yo. Selfish, lazy prick.

Why are you doing all the cooking?? Why not take it in turns? Sounds like he wants a mum rather than a wife. Sum1 to wash his clothes, cook him food and tidy up after him. You're obviously not happy. I think after xmas you need to really think about is he what you want forever!?
I'm at my wits end and the only reason I can't leave is money and kids(5, 2 which dont do anything I say). I'm exhausted. Hope you feel better soon. Get him a microwave meal for T 2moz 😂

Aria999 · 12/12/2023 00:27

In a healthy marriage, the response to 'where's my dinner?' Would be variously, 'excuse me' 'LOL' 'up your arse' or 'nice try'. What did you say?

This with bells on. LTB. Hard with a 3 year old I know but this is no way to live and doesn't sound like it can really get any better (he doesn't act like he loves you and he has a serious attitude problem).

hellsBells246 · 12/12/2023 00:31

What do weekends look like? Fires he look after dd, cook, do his share of the housework?

Tbh I'd just leave him. You deserve so much better than this half-life with a h who won't even hug you and doesn't show you a modicum of respect.

Whataretalkingabout · 12/12/2023 23:34

Don't tolerate this behavior, OP. You need to start pushing back. Call him out. Tell him what you think each time. Stand up for yourself!!
What do you want OP? If you fight for what you want, need, deserve, you will quickly find out if he is willing to change or not. Then you'll have your answer whether to stay or go.

Mrsgreen100 · 10/03/2024 20:12

So sorry you find yourself in this unloved place
tbh
I would be checking his phone on the qt
he’s not with you in anyway
get your self back , also are you aware of what’s going on money wise