Help with depressed husband and me.

[Imchangingmynameforthis]

My husband told me he feels sad, has felt sad for some time and nothing sparks or excites his any more. That includes me and our marriage.

I have a history with depression myself so I do try to be supportive and sympathetic, but I also have rejection sensitivity disorder (thanks, ADHD) and my own abandonment issues that stem from my childhood. So it's difficult. I totally get the "flatness" he has described tho.

Our sex life and intimacy has suffered for a little while and he finally told me he has zero libido - with my issues above, I didn't know how to deal with this and immediately assumed he just doesn't fancy me any more.

I got quite upset yesterday and told him to leave me, as I feel it is inevitable. He's assured me that's not where he wants to end up and that he just wants to be happy again. He is doing the right things including arranging counselling. He wants to be able to talk to me and I know I need to try to push my "worst case scenario" thinking to the side.

Has anyone been in a similar (appreciate it's odd!) situation? I really don't know what to do. I feel like I'm just waiting for him to tell me he's leaving one day in the near future.

Sorry that's a little rambly!

Can you encourage him to see his GP. Medication can support his low mood and help him.to feel better for example.

Try not to take it personally. He has told you that he is not finding interest or pleasure in anything at the moment - and that's a classic symptom of depression.

Sorry I should have said that he is very much a stereotypical man and won't visit the GP and doesn't want meds (to be fair he's seen me have quite a bad time on antidepressants).

He's agreed to take at Johns wort and has self referred for talking therapy through Mind and also through work. We're lucky that we also have very affordable therapy where we live too.

Im going through the exact same with my husband who doesn’t want to leave us but has no joy in life. He won’t see a doc or get help although he has said he needs this but can’t get his head straight to sort out. He is also low, unhappy and not in control. We have no intimacy and it’s left me feeling broken and unloved. I take it so personal (I also have child abandonment issues) but I’m doing everything I can to support him. I don’t have any advice OP but wanted to say you are not alone.

Really sorry you're going through this too. It's just horrible isn't it.

I'm really trying not to just shut down and put my walls up, as is my natural defence mechanism, but I am being mega cheery and it's probably annoying. We have a few nights apart this week as he is on late shifts which I hope helps after this initial bombshell.

It’s hard to be cheery and positive, I keep thinking this could be our last Xmas as a family (I know I shouldn’t). But I’m hoping it passes when he gets help, and for now I’m now planning to get stronger in my mind and prepare myself for the worse. A wise friend said hope for the best but plan for the worst. I guess what will be will be eh?

That's not the worst advice. I've not spoken to any friends about it yet (hence my coming on here!) but I am guessing they will say similar.

I'm just so sad going to bed with him and us both feeling like we do.

I'm really struggling today. I just want to run away and hide forever.

He is trying but it is forced and doesn't feel right.

Just don't know what to do. I am so miserable and want my lovely husband back.

I have been through a v similar situation OP and come through it- it's VERY difficult not to make it about you (I felt exactly like you, for similar reasons) but you mustn't- as pp have said its not about you. But at the same time you don't have to fake cheer. It's fine to let him know that his mood impacts the family and insist he explores all avenues for help. I did this and also got my own professional help to get me through it. He is better now. Don't lose hope and hugs to you

Thank you so much for this, Im going through the same. Its nice to hear someone come out the other end ok @Newnamesameoldlurker

Thank you for this. It's so difficult not to make it about me. I'm really struggling to be normal. Doesn't help that I've hardly seen him all week.

Going to do some outdoorsy stuff together on Saturday and hope that some exercise and fresh air makes him feel good.

Hope you're ok @user1471886287 and having as good a day as possible.

He wants to end our marriage. I am beside myself.

Oh gosh you poor thing, this must have come as a horrible, horrible shock. But there is every chance its just the depression talking. Don't plead just let him go for now- some space could do you both good. Have you got support? I leaned on my friends so hard when my DH was depressed. Sending you hugs

Oh no @Imchangingmynameforthis I’m so sorry. Just awful

I was at a friends yesterday but I just don't know what to do today. He's been looking at houses and everything.

OP, lm sorry but please be aware this may be because there's another woman in the background. His low mood and apparent sadness could be guilt at having to tell you. It may not be the case here of course but it sounds all too familiar so just be prepared.

I've asked him several times and he's said no, but I don't disagree with you.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. He will deny there being anyone else of course, they always do. Can you do a little digging and see if there's anything that suggests otherwise?

Get angry! Really angry. He has lied to you, it’s disgusting that he reassured you and now he is looking a houses. This has been on his mind a while OP, you don’t just wake up and start searching for a new home. You are worth more.

I am angry. So angry. And sad. And scared. And lost.

Need to make a list of things to do. We've spoken a lot today, I even offered to book couples counselling but no go. Why he couldn't have waited til after Christmas I don't know.

We don't have children so that takes one complication out but I'll be gunning for my fair share of the house equity.