emotional infidelity should I ever trust him again

[Yesnotagain]

DH and I together six years married 3. He is younger (by quite a lot). Everything amazing until earlier this year even though we have weathered a lot together. His behaviour towards me changed quite suddenly - irritable, distant etc.

Wouldn't tell me what was wrong. Denied he was unhappy. I noticed he was spending a lot of time messaging a female friend from college (also married, has DCs. We don't and never will). Meeting up with her weekly. DH drip fed me information like she is unhappy in her marriage, difficulties at work, people keep coming on to her etc. Raised alarm bells. I ignored it for a while but couldn't keep that up. Long story short I have been asking him for MONTHS about why he's unhappy, what I have done, what can I do, and (eventually ) if his in love with this friend. About a week ago he said he loves her but is not in love with her (implication being that he never has been in love with her).

Then FINALLY this weekend just gone he tells me (after literally days of me trying to understand what the hell is going on and getting nowhere):
-He was in love with her at college
-He left his then girlfriend because of feelings for friend
-When friend got married he "put those feelings in a box"
-He was then single for 4 years
-He then met me and fell in love but continued contact with friend
-Friend tells him of marriage problems earlier this year. It stirs up his feelings.
-He has been agonising about this for months, not able to sleep, going to therapy because of his feelings (the nature of which he keeps denying). I thought therapy was for broader issues about difficult childhood and family etc. But no. It was about this.
-He has now told her he can't see her for a while (for which apparently I'm supposed to be grateful).
-He says he needs me to believe we can get over this. How the fuck.

There is no prospect of a relationship between them. He says she isn't interested in him romantically and I believe that. Which makes her behaviour even worse.
She is also a c*nt because she must have known what he felt but she kept on fanning those flames. Definitely she knows now. Her response to him saying he can't see her was to ask whether it had something to do with her. FFS. So fucking humiliated.

My head is wrecked and I fear I cannot trust him ever again. He insists he loves me and wants to stay together. I don't know what I feel. My first marriage ended in divorce following infidelity and betrayal. DH knew all about that. So how could he deny what was going on and keep me guessing/fearing/doubting for MONTHS. This doesn't feel like love at all.

Btw I haven't been perfect - very negative about our future from time to time. So that's on me.

There is no way back from this is there.

If you stay it will eat you up. I been there.. you can go months and then you get triggered by something and you never really get over it. When it's emotional people think we'll it wasn't actually an affair but there are millions of choices made compared to a one night stand of physical cheating. He knew how he felt about her and got close and decided to keep seeing where it would go in hopes she probably wanted more and let me guess he finally realised it wasn't going to go anywhere it all comes out and now you are what he is comfortable with. It fucking sucks but if he loved and respected you in the way you deserve he just wouldn't be spending time alone with another female in that way. It's even worse he had something with her in the past.

So what I'm trying to say is there is no innocent reason. He had motives and she probably is one of those woman that likes to have a guy in her life who's infatuated with her but doesn't feel the same way it's a massive ego boost. My partner was like well her husband was cheating on her and I would see her crying so it was natural to see if she was okay and then they decided to do the same to me lol and try to justify it as was only emotional. Honestly been there gor the t-shirt and I've also been that girl that's had guy friends that are just waiting for you to be single and shoulder to cry on. You have to decide can you live with knowing you are second best. Blunt I know but if she was interested do you think it would have gone further?

So basically he’s been hanging around hoping she will change her mind and want to be with him? And she doesn’t so you’re the consolation prize?

this is horrible. So sorry OP but you shouldn’t be second best whilst he’s in love with someone else.

Yeah the therapy thing just shows how in crisis he's been over it. It's so rare men I found going to therapy and he's been going because he is in love with someone he can't have and now you got to just be happy and comfort him. Nope nope nope.

He’s in love with her.

You can choose to stay with someone you know is in love with someone else but it will 100% cause constant issues while you’re together and will very likely end in you splitting up anyway.

If it was me, I wouldn’t want to wait around knowing at some point he’ll decide to leave you or things will descend into sheer bloody misery because of all the resentment and triggers. It’s like waiting in your house for a hurricane you know is coming instead of evacuating because you desperately don’t want to leave your home. The house will be destroyed no matter what and probably you with it if you wait it out. There isn’t some miracle that’s going to stop it from happening and it’s the same in relationships where one person has feelings elsewhere.

Thank you, I know you are both right. It’s the months of lying and denial, and the lying to himself, that truly sickens me.

Yeah that's the bit thats hard to get over, it wasn't a bad decision made in the heat of the moment it was months of him being in limerence over someone else.

Look up the term Limerence it will make sense. It looks like he spent months infatuated and then gone to therapy because of that. The feeling completely takes over some people and I just think he has this one that got away mentality that I just don't feel it's a crush that will pass thing in this situation. I hope you are okay if really knock your world and confidence.

Yes @tiredofthis Limerence makes total sense. They were never in a relationship. He put her on a pedestal but nothing was reciprocated. He’s very upset now and I almost feel sorry for him. Just numb really.

I’m more ok than I thought. Confidence was already crushed so not far to fall. Only way is up now..

I think I would have to call it a day. I wouldn't want to be someone's second best. Your husband hasn't spared a thought for you during this time and has continued to indulge his own fantasies and feelings towards this woman. We can never know what's going on in someone's mind but your husbands thoughts are not at home with you!

Yes, as PPs have said: this was not a one-off indiscretion (like a very drunken snog at an Xmas party, which itself would be troubling, of course) - this was him spending a prolonged period of time indulging his feelings for this woman by meeting up with her weekly for intimate, emotional conversations (I would be really concerned if DH started meeting the same woman on a weekly basis) and then being moody, distant and unkind to you. She sounds like she was on a desperately selfish ego trip - there she is moaning about her marriage and how men keep hitting on her (subtext - I'm just SO attractive, men can't resist me) to a man who she presumably knows had feelings for her in the past. After all - why did she need to confide in him about all this stuff? That said, although her behaviour was selfish and pretty shitty, it was your DH who kept on fanning the flames.

And why does he think you're supposed to be comforted by the fact that nothing will happen because she isn't interested? The subtext is that he would be off like a shot if his feelings were reciprocated. So it's moronic to imagine that that's somehow comforting for you. The fact that he is attracted to someone else is not the issue - marriage vows would hardly be necessary if other people simply ceased to be attracted. The whole point of commitment is putting your love for your long-term partner ahead of short-term attraction to someone else. A committed partner would have seen the danger and walked away from this bullshit before it got off the ground but he chose to indulge it.

I agree that it's very hard to see how you can get beyond this. But the real point is - you don't have to decide what you're going to do about this now. You can take your time to decide how you move forward from this whether it's with him or without him.

So sorry you're going through this, OP.

I found out ,after my husband of 15 years died, that he'd approached his ex the night before our wedding begging her to take him back. She obv told him to sod off and he married me . I didn't have a clue. His brother and everyone knew before the wedding and said nothing. She told me at his funeral... God knows why. I was second best to him for all those years and if she ever had approached him he'd of been off like a shot. Don't put yourself through this it's not worth it. I will never be second best ever again I'd rather be on my own forever. (I'm in a very happy relationship now where I'm his queen 👑) life's too short to be stressed to death over this Hun. Walk away with your head held high...if I'd known at the time I'd of jilted him at the altar. Big hugs x

He’s a married man. He shouldn’t have been regularly seeing someone he has feelings for. When he chose to commit to you he should’ve taken that off the table and avoided contact as far as possible. I’m sorry but I wouldn’t be able to trust him.

Thanks @Dery yes I tried to explain to him what was wrong with meeting her so frequently 1 on 1 and talking about emotional things. Even before he came clean about his "feelings". I tried to explain about boundaries, respect for our marriage and for hers. His response was that her sex doesn't matter, she is his friend. Such unbelievable BS. I think he does believe it himself though which makes it somehow worse. You and @OurfriendsintheNE are right a committed man would have run as soon as this all came up again.

@mrswinter69 that is astonishing. What the hell was she thinking telling you ?! Very glad you are happy now. Hugs back x

@Yesnotagain - he’s choosing to delude himself but he surely knows he wouldn’t be in therapy now if she’d just been a friend. He saw himself as some kind of Knight in Shining Armour and that is not a platonic motif. And you were absolutely right that it was disrespectful to both relationships for her to be crying on his shoulder - has she no female friends she can lean on? So sorry you’re in this position, OP. It’s very painful and must be a terrible shock.

@dery you have hit the nail on the head. That’s exactly how he sees himself.

My heart goes out to you, @Yesnotagain.

Please don’t buy his shit sandwiches. OW’s sex absolutely matters, as your H is in love with her, and has been acting on those feelings while creating distance between you to make room for her. He knew very well that his passionate feelings for her were brimming over, yet he kept messaging and meeting up with her, clearly hoping for her reciprocation. He even sought therapy to deal with his angst.

Where exactly did he rate you while he’s been wallowing in his unrequited love saga? Did you even get a mention during his counseling? Where were his love, affection, honesty, respect, loyalty and empathy for you? He withdrew all of those and bestowed them upon OW, who was basking in his adoration from her high pedestal.

He made choices. He could have strengthened his boundaries and stayed away from OW instead of fanning the flames by playing the Rescuer. He allowed himself to devalue you so he could justify cherishing her.

@Yesnotagain, if you decide to attempt reconciliation, you’ll need to require a solid recovery structure, including: full honesty, remorse, and commitment to helping you heal; permanent NC with OW; working in IC on his weak character traits that enabled his infidelity; open access to devices. Recovery is doomed if he won’t come clean regarding his true feelings for OW.

Personally, I couldn’t come back from this betrayal, as my trust and respect would have plummeted. I won’t be humiliated and settled for by a man who is obsessed and pining over another woman.

Did he discuss how he felt about her with her?

I think I'd define infidelity a bit different to a crush.

If they were both engaging and telling each other they were in love etc, that's one thing.

I'd be upset if I wasn't able to freely discuss my emotional/personal issues with a friend for fear it would be interpreted wrongly.

Why is the woman wrong if she sees him purely ad a friend? I fail to see the logic.

It's also noteworthy that he went to counselling to try to work the feelings out. He didn't blow up any lives? He hasn't professed undying love to anyone.

I think there's room for patience and communication before throwing away a marriage.

It's not really infidelity as it wasn't really reciprocal.

But it'd still be pretty hurtful/devastating to any wife.

It's like he came clean to you when he realized he was never going to have that romantic relationship with her he wanted and he was grieving the loss.

Did he confess to you because he was looking for emotional support from you because he was in pain?

There is just something different about this because it was one-sided. He had a serious long term crush.