Husbands love of porn led to prostitute

[PaddlinginLife]

I don’t know if I’m looking for advice or just need to get this out somewhere safe as I’m too ashamed to talk to anyone I know.
Bit of backstory- I was diagnosed with a rare and incurable form of cancer over 5 years ago which affects me sometimes with fatigue and leaves me susceptible when fighting infections due to my treatment.
I’ve spoken with him lots of times about our lack of intimacy together but he blames it on me and my condition. When we are intimate it’s always me who initiates it. He says he’s not a mind reader and I always say I’m ok when he can apparently see I’m not??!! He is very affectionate with hugs and kisses…always…and a very kind man.
………
My husband has always looked at porn when he’s had a drink…I don’t really object to this as I know lots of people do.
However, the last few months I’ve had this strange feeling and couldn’t put my finger on it. Now I know!

This weekend he went on his work do into the city. At 3am he woke me saying he was so sorry. I told him to go to sleep but something didn’t feel right. I got up and made myself a cuppa and his phone and wallet were there so I looked at his phone. I felt really bad doing it but couldn’t help it. As soon as the screen unlocked there was his internet with p in the search bar and a list of sites he had visited looking for prostitutes. I felt sick. I could see that he had searched for them when away in 4 different places and then the city on Saturday. I looked at his emails and in the deleted box was a bank transfer for £80 to a foreign lady at 11:36pm from an account in just his name. No need to ask him really as it doesn’t take much to know what happened there!

I did tackle him about it…first just the searching. He couldn’t see that this showed intent to do it. I gave him the opportunity to come clean but he told me it was just looking when he had a drink so I asked him about the bank transfer. He had to admit it and said it was for 30 minutes and he only had a hand job. I don’t know if this is true as he didn’t admit the other things when he could have.

I feel like he has not only willingly put not only our marriage at risk but my life too…even cold sores can be fatal to me so an STD/I…I dread to think.

These are his reasons/rational:

• Apparently, I’m always tired even when I say I’m not…he can apparently tell.(FYI- I’m not always tired…I work, go walking and manage a full life)
• He's randy when drunk.
• he doesn’t know!

I’ve asked him all the details…I had to.

• He can’t remember if he wore a condom but thinks he did
• he didn’t have a happy ending but didn’t want to spend more money- he paid £80 for 30 minutes
• he groped her bum but then he said they were sat down on a sofa so that confuses me
• she had her boobs out but he apparently didn’t touch them
• he just took off his pants and nothing else
• he felt like he shouldn’t be doing it

After giving me details he asked for a hug so I told him where to go!!

I’ve looked up STD through hand jobs and any skin to skin contact makes it possible….so he can take a test.

I’m not sure which way I’m going yet as my head and heart are hurting.
Am I strong enough to walk away and start again (late 50s) or can we get through this.
Will I ever trust him again?
Will I ever believe a word out of his mouth again?
will I ever stop wanting to ask questions about it!!!??? Why do I feel a need to know all this info too!

He feels shame; I feel broken.
Thank you for listening ❤️

He'd make my skin crawl now. Using a woman as a commodity and a hole to ejaculate into is so, so gross, and you know full well it was more than a hand job. It's also probably not the first time.

I'm also angry for you that he tried to blame you and your illness. He's forgotten about the in sickness and in health bit.

For me, I couldn't forgive or move past it.

No I couldn't trust him again.
You probably got told a mild version of the story.
I'm so sorry you're going through this.

I couldn't move past this.

He cheated on you with a prostitute and then asked for a hug?? Wtf??

I can guarantee more happened than he’s letting on. Sorry OP but I wouldn’t be able to get past this. He’s a shit. And he can stop with trying to make out it’s somehow ‘your fault’ somehow for being tired, for a start. There is no rationale for this.

How dare he blame you and your illness that is disgusting.
im sorry you are going through this OP.

only you know if tbhZ is a one off and you could trust him again then x

Disgusting, irredeemable, vile man. Any male who coerces sex out of a woman is subhuman scum. Consent cannot be bought. He views woman as commodities to be used. You should take great delight in divorcing him, take him to the cleaners, and tell everyone what he did.

Guys don't wear condoms for hand jobs.

Not that it makes any difference. He's pornified women and that's why he doesn't want 'normal' sex anymore. He tries to gaslight you by blaming you. He then seeks out the sex he does want: Sex where women are simply there for his pleasure.

Thanks everyone.
I feel like I don’t know him after this…

He doesn't feel that much shame if he tried to hug you after telling you this.

It's still all about him. 'Valadate my 'honesty' by hugging me and agreeing to make this an US issue and not a MY issue'. Ummm NOPE.

He betrays you and acts like you share some of the responsibility! And should brush things under the carpet now. Bloody cheek.

Has he at least had the decency to go elsewhere for a few days to give you space to think about how you want to proceed? Or is he actually just hovering around acting like a hurt puppy?

He’s still here. My parents are visiting us overnight on Wednesday and I think I’m autopiloting until that’s done as they are 80 so will question if we cancel on them and this way just feels easier for now…for me anyway.
I’m just so confused!

Sorry OP. He's not telling you the full truth.

What a terribly sad situation. My heart breaks for you. Sadly, I suspect there has been more than one occasion of cheating and I think you know that. He could have tried to work on your marriage but he didn’t. I am not sure what your views are on prostitution but, in my view, I simply could not respect a man who uses one (even for a hand job or erotic massage). It speaks to their core values and how they view the value of another human being.

He is behaving selfishly and should not be putting your health at risk. If he can be affectionate with you generally, he certainly can initiate sex.

@PaddlinginLife OP please book an STD check ASAP. he is a liar. he said what he thought you could look past. you cannot risk an STD in your condition. if you catch and treat early it will be easier to manage.

and needless to say, he needs to be gone.

This.

He is coming up with the most bland thing being as he cannot deny spending the £80.

Hand job my arse!

I’ve tried to find out costs etc as it’s driving me insane! But looking makes me want to vomit!

Tell him you are booking a lie detector test (although not common in the U.K. you can book them - they may not work perfectly but it’s the best you have) and you are likely to get a full confession prior to attending (car park confession).

Without knowing what you are forgiving you cannot forgive.

As it’s with a prostitute he is unlikely to want family and friends to know as many will judge him. So I think you have a chance of getting him to do a lie detector test. If he refuses you have your answer anyway.

£80 is going to be sex.
Do you have her email address? Email from his email account and ask how much for 30 min oral. And 1 hour sex. Say you are back at the hotel next weekend. You will get an idea of whether he is lying.

This is my thought too!
I also was thinking to ask him this but I imagine all will be deleted now!

Just looked …£400 for one.
I’ll present this idea and gauge his reaction! He can pay!

He’s lying! When caught, My disgusting ex husband said he’d been paying £120 an hour to ‘talk to them’ (he lived in a city through the week for work).

I got all our bank statements going back as far as I could and also his phone statements. The numbers called correlated to the large cash withdrawals from the bank. It’d been going on for years, even during his working hours!! I also found out a LOT more that had been going on.

I seen my solicitor the very next day and started divorce proceedings, I asked him to leave and he packed a bin bag of clothes, fucked off to the rental place in the city and I haven’t seen him since (12 years).

I hope he’s got incurable scrot rot, the filthy, nasty twat.

"Husband's complete lack of respect for me and his total disdain for women on the whole led to prostitute" - there, fixed that for you.

You've a long-term illness and a shitbag of a human for a husband. One of those situations you have control over. So sorry you're experiencing all this.

I think you have to assume it was sex without a condom, OP. He has told you what he thinks he can get away with.

It is 100% on him, nothing to do with you, OP.

I wasted 6 years with a cheat. Biggest regret of my life. Don't ask for details. OF COURSE he's not going to tell you the truth. First of all nobody spends 80 quid on a handjob. If he did pay for a handjob obviously he didn't wear a condom. Obviously he remembers whether he used a condom, he's just ashamed of admitting it went further. You can get hpv even when using condoms so don't touch him again. Your relationship will never be the same, end it now.

To answer your questions:
Am I strong enough to walk away and start again (late 50s) or can we get through this. You are strong enough.
Will I ever trust him again? Never.
Will I ever believe a word out of his mouth again? Never.
will I ever stop wanting to ask questions about it!!!??? Why do I feel a need to know all this info too! You're trying to decide if it's "bad enough" to end a relationship over. It is.

Good luck.

How DARE he blame your illness!!! What a fucking asshole

LTB op

I'm not one to say this normally but, LTB.

What’s the point in a lie detector? We can tell you right now he’s lying, even if for some minuscule chance he wasn’t lying, isn’t what he’s admitted bad enough for you to leave him? You deserve better

He is not telling you the full truth.
The only silver lining is prostitutes generally insist on condoms.

I understand your need to present like normal to you family at the moment. Take this time to sort out your affairs and an exist plan ( or hopefully his exist plan)

I am so sorry you are Having to go through this.