How to Navigate Gift Giving while attempting Grey Rock

[Rosyleigh]

I've decided to keep my distance from DB for a variety of reasons. Our history is a bit all over the place – years of childhood physical bullying, a short-lived close friendship in early adulthood, but things have gone downhill since I got married (20 years ago - divorced and single for 10). I won't dive into all the details, but whenever I deal with him, it leaves me feeling judged and belittled. The guy seems to be actively cheering for my failures, which is just odd.

After putting up with this for years, I'm seriously considering alternative ways of dealing with him. The constant passive-aggressive jabs, the snide comments, and even little things like not acknowledging important events in my DC's life make the relationship more draining than anything else. It's cold, heartless, and honestly puzzling.

Looking ahead, I'm thinking about trying the Grey Rock method or going for Low Contact. But here's where I need some advice: I've got Christmas presents for him, DSiLand DN. Instead of a face-to-face exchange, I'm leaning towards popping them in the post with a note about my busy schedule and sending good wishes for Christmas. Just not feeling up for the whole charade this year. Would that be out of order do you think?

I just wondered if anyone else is having to navigate Grey Rock/Low Contact at Christmas time and how you go about it?

If I was grey rocking and I really wanted to give him something anyway, I would post him a pair of socks and a card.
Why are you still going out of your way for someone who's treated and still treating you like this?
You're not obliged to do the "charade", just set your limit at whatever feels good for you and don't continue to go over your own boundaries or what feels good and what you want to do. Sometimes you have to choose and stick up for yourself. You don't have to please everyone.

I think that's ok. It sounds as though you probably want to go no contact but perhaps feel you can't because of wider family obligations? It's ok to do things gradually and it sounds like sending the presents you already have (rather than see him in person) is a good first stage. I do agree with PP that no presents at all is probably the next stage (though it's tricky if he has a child as presumably you wish that child no ill will).

I wouldn't make excuses though (so don't blame busy schedule as the reason you are not seeing him). Just post presents with generic greeting. If he asks if you can meet up just say "sorry, no".

thank you @Allthewallsarewhite that's a really good point, it's mainly for his child really, I still want to send them a pressie. @shepherdsangeldelight taking out the busy excuse is a good idea, I just felt like we've met up every year before so needed to put a reason on why not this year, but you are right - I'll let him figure it out!

I’d just send a present for your niece and a card for the adults. It’s a pretty standard thing to do if not seeing each other at Christmas isn’t it?

@InTheRainOnATrain seems sensible to me. I wasn't too sure as this is a bit of a new situation for me so I wasn't 100% sure how to navigate. I'm guessing they'll have got me something (the most boring present they could find - last year it was a really shit cruet set - wtf - why bother?)