Something has changed…

[NewMeNewUs]

Hi all
bit of back ground. Me and DH have been married for 8 years, together for 11 years.

we’ve had a rough couple of years in terms of DH and his parents who are now estranged. DH mental health suffered massively. He lost his job, became a shadow of the man I knew.

obviously our relationship was effected majorly too. About 4 months ago we both said something wasn’t working, HE suggested separating temporarily for some time apart and some space to assess what we wanted. I always knew I wanted to work on our marriage so when he suggested time apart I was devestated.

I took the kids away for 5 days for us to get some space.
on our return we both agreed we wanted to be together and make it work. He said he did not want to separate..
we spoke about things we wanted to change etc.

we’ve both been putting in the effort and I do think we are in a much better place. Not arguing, being much more mindful of the way we are speaking to each other to name a couple of things.

but I do feel like something has changed…..
he isn’t as affectionate towards me
he isn’t wanting sex as much (currently once every 1-2 weeks so it’s still happening but not as much)
i don’t get love you messages, or miss you messages.
sometimes when we message during the day I feel like he is talking to me like he would his friend.

these things haven’t been all of a sudden they have been gradual.

he is still an amazing dad, doing family things like we went to the panto over the weekend.
we still spend time together. We went Christmas shopping last weekend without the kids and had a lovely day together, went for dinner etc.

we watch films or tv together in the evenings, sometimes with a few drinks. We still have a laugh together. Danced the night away together at a friends recent 40th party……

i just feel it’s different.
he says he wants to be with me, he says there’s no one else.

is this just a natural thing to happen when you’ve been together for so long?
has the trauma his been through with his parents really affected him and changed him?

do I push him for the things I back in our relationship?

I fear the conversation we had of him suggesting Temporarily separating has traumatised me a bit and made me so paranoid! and I’m now reading into everything. For example if he sends me a short message I worry he is being off with me then get paranoid. If he doesn’t kiss me goodbye I wonder why? I wonder if he is having second thoughts….. am I getting in my own head?

please be kind. Thank you.

It might be that he has checked out in his head, but he’s just playing a part.
You need to talk and find out what he’s really thinking. If he wants to go, it’s best to let that happen so you both get to move on. You don’t want to live the rest of your life in this anxious state.

Sadly he has checked out.

Does everyone text love you's and miss you's throughout the day?? Are your expectations too high?

I rarely text mine but it's not for the lack of caring. We generally don't feel the need.

I do appreciate everyone's different.

Definitely sounds like he's checked out and is forcing it.

I hate to say it but this is exactly how I started acting when I checked out with my ex. I was less affectionate, I felt like he was just a friend. We still could laugh together and have fun times together but I didn’t feel much more for him than friendship.

It doesn't sound good I'm sorry to say =(

All you can do is put your best effort in and don't overthink his actions or smother him through insecurity. If it wasn't for that parent situation I would agree he's checked out and that still may very likely be the case but he realised he still likes the family unit with your kids. However it could also be that he's developed some kind of self defence mechanism in that he's scared to lose more so withholding affection.

Regardless you need to try love him openly display love and security TAKE TIME FOR YOURSELF make sure 100% that you are doing stuff for you.

Sounds like depression to me.

Sounds depression related. Is he on medication?

Thanks all for your replies. Taken them all on board.

depression is an option. He has been depressed before- about 6 months ago. Declined medication and went with therapy.

i have also considered he may have checked out :(

It's not necessarily something to be super concerned about. Don't make assumptions.

The key is being able to talk about it and for him to open up to you in a way that makes you feel heard and reassured. If he's not able to do that, this is the main problem.

OP, I would not give up or get too negative about this yet.

You have both been through a really hard time, and you have both made efforts to improve things. And things HAVE improved. You can't do it all in a day.

I think some of the advice here is really good. I'd suggest:

1. Try to refocus some of your attention on yourself, your wellness, your interests. It won't help your relationship if you are constantly living through what he might be feeling, and it isn't attractive and will chase him away more if he is in the process of checking out. It's always healthy to focus on yourself and will keep you in as good a state as possible, for yourself and your relationship. And it's much sexier if you are needing to respark something. (Ie get a new dress you love, and go out for drinks with your friends, looking fabulous, when he just gets to wave you off, rather than putting it on for a night with him, desperately hoping to get a compliment)

1. Be patient. You've both been through a lot, you will both be exhausted. Be kind to yourselves and allow yourself to take a breath. My instinct is pressure and more anxiety is the last thing either of you need right now. As things have improved, if your DH feels he is being told it's not good enough and having his every sentence analysed, that would be a fast route to overwhelm and further check out.

1. If you do address it with him, try to do so positively - so not 'this isn't working..why don't you seem to be as loving as you were... you never say X anymore!' But rather, 'I think we've made lots of progress,,, x, y, and z are all feeling better to me, and I've noticed these efforts from you, so thank you. Now that we are on steadier ground, I'd love to see if we could be.... how are you feeling about that side of things? And give one concrete, bite sized suggestion (eg a date night) to help nudge towards the more animated relationship you want.

Hope this is helpful.

You took the kids away to give 'us' space but actually it was your DH who wanted to temporarily separate.
Were you angry about that?

Your DH put you out of your own house for 5 days with the kids.

You are taking responsibility for the break as an 'us' decision because you don't really want to see it as him making that decision, you want to pretend both of you decided to have a temporary break.

Why did you not ask him to go somewhere if he wanted a break?

He's pushing you around emotionally.

When that happens, you tend to start poring over him and analysing him and his feelings to look for explanations rather than saying to yourself 'I don't want to be treated like this and I'm going to tell him to move out for a couple of week and see how he likes it'.

If DH has mental health issues then don't enable them by just accepting that you can pushed around willy-nilly as consequence of his difficult feelings about the world.