I think my husband is leaving me

[LG93]

Sorry for what is likely to be a very garbled thread, I'll try and keep it brief. This is probably outing but I'm not sure that I care anymore tbh.

DH announced the other day that he wasn't happy and needed things to change. I was upset but we talked, I've taken his points on board and have tried to act on them to try and improve things. They largely surround help and support, he feels like he carries the household and wanted me to do more (I'm not sure I would necessarily agree with that but could see his points as I've been busy with work and uni) we had another conversation this morning as I felt like despite me trying to improve things he didn't seem to be putting any effort in to improving the relationship and I asked him if there's actually any point in my trying as it feels like he's checked out and he said he doesn't know.

He has said he doesn't love me the same as he did, our sex life has been rocky for a long time, I don't think it's that uncommon with 2 small children (5 and 2) and I have PCOS which can affect my libido but I've recently started medication again to try and help this but I don't know if it's all too late.

I feel like things are complicated by our unusual circumstances, our house is tied to his job so if we split I can't stay here and would have to leave, but I'm part way through a university course to enable a career change having left my job earlier this year, and I don't know what I'd be entitled to or how I would care for the kids. They'd probably want to stay here, as DD is a huge daddy's girl and really doesn't seem to like me at the best of times let alone if I took her away from her dad, and she's settled at school in our village and I wouldn't be able to afford to live close enough to keep her there.

I don't know what to do. I told a friend at uni things were hard the other day but we've broken up for uni now so won't see her until the new year. I want to run and hug my mum and tell her all about it but she's dealing with her own health issues and recently lost a close family member so I don't want to burden her, and they're also meant to be coming for Christmas as DH said he doesn't want to make any decisions this side of Christmas so it's not ruined for the kids and I don't want to make things awkward, she and my DH already don't have the best of relationships anyway. I'm also worried if I tell her and we sort things out it'll make their relationship worse.

I don't know what to do. I'm sat on the sofa alternating between sobbing and running to be sick. I just want everything to be ok but I don't know that I can have that

His behaviour sounds quite cruel. He's also making Christmas completely shit for you and your DCs but I bet he feels great about that because he's being 'honest' now you're 'warned', right? He's checked out, hasn't he?
Enough with the charade already, tell him you need a break. Take your DCs and run to your DM. Give him the change he craves and let him enjoy Christmas without his loving DW and DCs.
You need support and love and space to sort out your feelings and your options away from his gaslighting.

My husband has also said recently he checked out on us, its brutal - hope you are ok

I’m afraid I’d take that as him telling you he wants a divorce and there is no going back.

So I’d act accordingly

• go and see a Solicitor to see where you stand re the house and any other assets you may have.
• go and see CAB to see what sort of help you might get. Uni should be able to guide you too (eg student loan)
• I get what you mean re your mum. My advice there is whatever is the most helpful to you. But tbh it’s unusual to see a man changing his mind in that sort if subject. And he did, I’d wonder at what cost to you iswim.

Oh and his ‘I’m warning you’ talk is a way to calm his guilt down. He has told you so now he can focus on himself and make himself feel good. Whilst you’re left picking up the pieces just before Christmas and acting all cool and as if nothing had happened. And he’ll probably tell you he can’t understand why you’re still angry in the New Year when you’ve had plenty of time to get your head around it.

Its shit behaviour.

@LG93 Sorry you’re going through this, sounds like he has checked out of the marriage. Trust me any suggestions he makes in terms of timing and moving forward will be for his convenience- he hasn’t just come to the realisation that he wants out of the marriage, he has thought about this.
I wouldn’t necessarily be in a great rush to move out of the home, you will need time to sort out legally where you stand and what you are entitled to.
Seek the advice and don’t agree to or make any arrangements with him until you have.
From my own experience counselling really helped me through separation and divorce, I was able to take control and drive through the process.

Hang on, why is it cruel to open a discussion that you’re unhappy in your marriage and feel put upon. Women are urged to tell men, do what’s right for them. If a man does the same, he’s cruel? He should just stay unhappily married?

Ow...
The Script is starting..

You've been a bit vague on specifics. Is he a man who expects a woman to do all or the majority of the household chores, regardless of putting in equal hours working elsewhere, or do you have time more time to do these things than he does? Only you know if it's excuses and something else at play. Saying he doesn't love you the same way, whatever reason he has - and his reason sounds suspiously too easy to fix - is a slap in the face, that's harsh to come out with. It's the sort of thing someone who has had their head turned would say.

This in bucketloads....

@Cosywintertime He didn't "open up a discussion" to try and resolve things with OP though! He kept it to himself until he'd made up his mind that he wanted out! That's what's cruel, not to mention deceitful! He didn't talk to the OP about how he felt until it was too late and he's dropped the bomb on her just before Christmas, so she has to pretend all's well so as not to ruin it for the kid's! That's despicable!
OP I'm so sorry he's done this to you and your children! I hate to say it but I suspect there may well be an OW, as men rarely leave to be on their own, especially not to be single dads trying to juggle work and childcare! I'd suggest you need to do what other PPs have said and get legal advice- your solicitors or Citizens' Advise might be your first port of call! Also, you need to look after yourself as this is a horrible shock- see your GP if you can't sleep or feel anxious, which you probably will. I speak from experience of a marriage being destroyed quickly, although I was the one who told him to leave, because his behaviour was degenerating due to cocaine use, and I had valid reasons to believe he was cheating, which turned out to be the case!I'm 6 months on my own now, and although it's been the most painful thing I've ever gone through, which is saying something, I sense I'm turning a corner now and am feeling OK more and more of the time!
This is going to hurt beyond belief at first OP but you will get though it and you will survive and then you'll thrive I suspect, because TBH he doesn't sound like he was as good a husband as he should have been for quite a while, seeing as he's kept all this to himself then dumped it on you out of the blue, just before Christmas and expecting you to play the "Let's pretend nothing's wrong "game for your kids, which he knows you will do! That's not the behaviour of a decent person with integrity OP and it makes me wonder if YOU were getting all your needs met by him? Look after yourself and get legal advice asap and I send hugs!

OP - i don’t think your H has said he is about to leave. But things are clearly not in a good place.
If it’s only need a few days since the original conversation - asking him if its worth your trying is way too early.

Try to not yet catastrophize and give up.

Ideally - if you have time - counselling could be helpful.
But in absence of that - try and do what you can on your side.
Too many people do not mention their unhappiness and let resentment build beyond point of no return. It’s a good thing he said something before it happened.

Relationships of course are often challenged by small kids, work and daily grind. And maybe this is the wake up call needed for yours.

If any breakup were to happen - nothing needs to happen with lighting speed. Divorces take a while - and unless he is an absolute bastard - i am sure you can figure out a way for you to finish your course. Plenty of people live alongside each other while in process of separation.
Point is - you have two small children - so whatever you do you will need to find a best way to manage it all now and in the future.

Thanks everyone. It's over. I asked if he wanted to try and fix it and he said no. I've called my mum and she's on her way to be with me

Are you the OP? If so, name change fail.

I was going to say I'm a mum to a daughter with similar age children and I too have major health issues, but if you were my daughter, I wouldn't want you not to tell me or burden me with your problems, I'd still want to help. So glad you have told your mum.

Sending lots of strength OP, glad you can count on your Mum, look after yourself

@LG93 Op we never heard from you again.. did you guys ever sort it out ?

Sadly not, the divorce is nearly finalised now. As predicted by some of you there was an OW, something he denies vehemently was started before the split but I know at the very least there was an emotional affair. That has since ended and he's moved on to someone else.

I have had a few rebound dates and a lot of therapy, but more importantly I've found a new lease of life with my 50% child free time now I'm no longer the default parent and am finding so many pieces of me I had lost over the years and I'm the happiest I've probably ever been in my adult life.

We're co-parenting incredibly if I do say so myself, the kids are benefiting from 2 happy parents rather than 2 unhappy ones. I do often wonder what would have been had he put this much effort in to parenting when we were still together, but neither of us were faultless and in the long run he's done me a favour as I wasn't happy but I don't think I'd have ever made the move to leave.

Thanks for bumping this... I had forgotten all about it and reading back through all the feeling and emotions back then, I wish I could have told me then how much happier I'd be once the dust settled ♥️

Oh so it was the other way round.

very pleased for you!

Wow! Thank you so much for the update. What a wonderful outcome! Im very happy for you.

That’s a nice update op, I’m glad you’re happier. I guess he was full of shit when he thought he was carrying everyone and has had to adjust to the reality of carrying half the load!

Definitely, I think it's really highlighted to him what I've been saying about the mental load and being automatically assumed to be the one to leave work/rearrange plans if the kids were ill!!