Husband calls me names

[Sunflower1978]

My husband of 20+ years has no respect for me. He calls me names such as a fat cow and a cnt/tw@t/prck. He is angry all the time, takes everything I say as a criticism. Always blames me for everything, nothing is ever his fault. Even when he’s apologising (very rarely), he will say “I’m sorry you provoked me into saying/doing that”.

He hasn’t always been like this but the last few years things haven’t been good. I don’t think any of his friends or family would believe me if I ever told them about it as he is likeable to everyone else and his behaviour around other people couldn’t be more different to how he is around me.

He can’t stand it when I’m upset, he will mock me or just walk away and tell me to grow up or he will call me a cry baby. He stonewalls me a lot, he will just stop speaking to me for nothing and when I ask him what I have done wrong, he’ll scream at me to get away from him. There is never any healthy resolve and I am often left feeling confused because more often than not, I don’t know why it is he is annoyed with me or what it is that I have done.

He says I’m abusive and also accuses me of other things that aren’t true. It’s like he accuses me of the things he does.

I think I know this relationship is not going to last if this continues. I’ve asked him to come to couples counselling with me but he says it’s me that needs to sort my head out, not him. I have just started to see a therapist myself to have someone to talk to about everything.

We have two children in the house who live with us.

I know I probably need to end this but after so long together, it’s really hard. Part of me doesn’t want it all to have been for nothing, but the other part of me also doesn’t want to spend the coming years feeling like this. I also worry I don’t have the fight in me for a divorce as I worry he would be very difficult and it would all become quite nasty.

Would be grateful for any advice or some hope from people who have been through this and come out on the other side, whether that was because you left and started a new life, or because you stayed and things got better.

Thank you. Xx

Unfortunately the only way this will get better is if you leave. It will be really tough at first, but so worth it in the long run, for you and the DC's.

Gaslighting and abuse, such red flags. End it now.

what a horrific childhood your children will have had OP

its not too late to make a change

He neither likes you nor respects you. There's no "probably" about it, you HAVE to leave to preserve your neutral health. Yes to therapy, no to joint counseling- there's no common ground of goodwill left for the latter.

Change is always scary. But I'm afraid to need to leave this relationship for your kids sake. For yours too.

I was with someone for 25 years and we broke up..it can be done..i asked him to move out.. he didn't, then i told him he had to move out. It depends if you really want it to be done atm. Theres benefits that will help you on your feet.
Tell him its over, he's abusive and cruel. I work at Womens Aid, give us a ring for support and advice

It hasn’t all “been for nothing” as it sounds like you had a good number of happy years, and children, before he became like this.

He is abusing you now, your children are growing up in a toxic environment NOW. Tell him you’ve taken his advice to “sort your head out”, and you’ve decided to divorce him.

Ducks in a row, see a solicitor. Don’t make this your life, stuck with an abuser.

I couldn’t let a man around my dcs who treated me with such utter contempt - never mind what a head fuck it must be for you.

If you left him your life would be so much better eventually. Leaving won’t be easy but imagine never having to speak to him again - wouldn’t that be lovely?

It hasn't all been for nothing, you have two children and presumably the memories of some happy years behind you.

Right now you can choose to live with someone awful and tread on eggshells all the time, all the while imprinting your kids with the idea that this is what a good loving relationship looks like.

Or you can leave, go through some confusion and financial/domestic upheaval and emerge to a life where you feel good about yourself and make your own independent choices about things.

You know what you need to do. Leaving isn't failure, staying is!

My heart goes out to you, it is a terrible way foot you to have to live. This is exactly how my ex behaved. He’d been great for years then suddenly turned. I put up with it, and tried harder to please him but it never worked. For years he demonised me and I felt like I was losing my mind. Eventually I discovered he’d been having an affair with a colleague for four years, which was exactly when his behaviour first changed. I felt like such an idiot. I’d spent years wondering what I’d done wrong and this made me realise I’d done nothing wrong - it was all him. It was only once I’d recovered that I realised just how much the kids had suffered. I’d always believed that I was shielding them from it but they weren’t stupid and it had such a strong effect on them. Please do what’s right for you and your DCs. You will feel happy, peaceful and strong again. x

Thank you so much for taking the time to read and reply. It really is appreciated.

I know what I have to do. It won't
happen overnight, but when it does, I hope to be prepared and in a better place mentally so I can tackle what is inevitably the difficulties to come.

I never thought it would ever come to this, but he is not the person he once was and for whatever reason, I seem bring out the worst in him. I doubt I will ever understand it or get answers for the way he’s treated me, but you’re all right in what you say. I need to protect myself and my children.
Thank you.xx

Do you think it's ok for your children to hear and see all that? It will harm them. Leave him.

Don’t take the responsibility on yourself - nothing about your post suggests you are unbalanced or abusive to him - you sound sad and resigned rather than angry and abusive, and so it seems really unlikely you “bring out the worst in him” - he is choosing to be that person with you. That is his fault - not yours.