What do I do now? Everything's a mess!

[fallingapart2]

Please be gentle with me, it's 5am and I'm sobbing my heart out yet again. This is probably going to be a long ramble, but I'm so confused right now and I don't even know where to start.

I left my husband 5 years ago, taking our children with me, as he was a lazy miserable waste of skin and I realised I deserved more.
A year later I met someone and fell deeply in love. I'm not proud of this at all, but I unexpectedly fell pregnant and decided to terminate as I knew I was in a tenuous situation and having another child would make me even more vulnerable.

Anyway. The termination was all booked but for some reason I allowed him to talk me out of it. He never actually said 'please don't terminate the pregnancy'. He maintained throughout that it was my body and my choice, but when asked he expressed sadness that he'd never had children and wished things could be different.

So I had the baby. I romanticised our future together and stupidly thought our baby would cement things. And for a year after the birth things were wonderful. I was so happy. Our son is a joy and I adore him, as does my partner. We were so happy and so loved up, my children were much happier too.

For the last year things have got progressively worse though. I don't know exactly where it began, but I think I started to voice my dissatisfaction with our sex life. We'd gone from very passionate daily sex to once a week maybe and I was starting to feel unwanted. Once I spoke up about this, it's like he pulled away even more. Things dropped back to very little affection during the day and sex maybe once every couple of weeks if that. We soon started bickering and I took to sleeping on the sofa. He's asked me multiple times to return to the bed with him but I feel so sad, lying there next to him, not touching....it's soul destroying.

Here's the saddest part. I'm pregnant again. I can't believe I've been so stupid and careless. One time in six weeks and I conceive! MSI are calling me today to complete the consultation for me to have a medical abortion. I know it's the right and only choice I have. But I'm so sad. It's like admitting to myself, finally, that the relationship really has ran it's course.

He wants us to fix things and to have some counselling, but what's the point if there's no attraction there on his part? He assures me that he finds me physically attractive, but all the 'bickering and bad atmosphere isn't much of a turn on'.

I don't even know what I'm asking, my head is such a mess and I feel broken. I'm a shell of the person I used to be. I love him so much, but I don't think I've got the energy to try and save this anymore.

Sorry, I just wanted to get the words out there. 😔

I'm very sorry about your unwanted pregnancy, but... Go to counselling! Why would you not try everything to keep a relationship going with someone who obviously loves you and is a good father?

Very few relationships maintain daily sex, it's so strange to me that you have made it into such a problem.

I honestly think you’re putting wayyyy to much value in daily sex and touching. It sounds stifling! I’d feel totally overwhelmed if my DH behaved like you seem to have over not enough daily sex and affection. You can’t expect honeymoon period forever. And huffing and sleeping on the sofa seems extreme

I agree, counselling.

I agree with the PP. I'm also sorry about the pregnancy.

If this was a role reversal and a woman came on saying she was being pestered for sex every day or her partner was handsy all the time she would be told to LTB.

Stop the passive aggressive behaviour and have a conversation with him. No one needs sex all the time, I think once a week is pretty normal.

I think counselling is a good idea. Is it not worth a try?

Do you still love him?

I have to say this doesn’t sounds an insurmountable problem, it’s something you can make work if you try hard enough. He obviously wants to and you have kids to think about. Go to counselling.

OP I think you need counselling about how the drop in sex makes you feel. Is it that you have a high sex drive, or is it that the daily sex made you feel attractive and wanted after coming out of a bad relationship previously? What's your experience of sex been in previous relationships and what has it meant for you? I think it would be good to have an understanding of what's going on for you. It's fine to have a high sex drive but it's also not uncommon for one partner to want it more than another, but that is something that can be worked out/worked through. You don't have to leave. But I wonder from some of what you've said if it's less about sex and more about your perception of what less sex might mean. Maybe you feel quite insecure? Has that got worse since having a baby? It's obviously making you feel awful how things are but surely trying to actively work on it first makes more sense than ending it? What does your partner feel about sex and intimacy? When he asks you to come back to bed what does he say?

Sleeping on the sofa is never going to lead to the intimacy you want. In your partners shoes I would perceive that as sulking and it'd make me less likely to want to be intimate. Also, as the partner who wants sex less, I also know I will at times shy away from any physical touch in order to avoid giving signals by mistake. Increasing touch during the day the clear expectation that I don't mean I want sex has increased our physical intimacy which has increased sex as a side effect. Is your partner maybe not touching because you will often try and make that become sex when he just wants a cuddle? I just wonder if you guys need to be able to have some proper, honest conversations about things.

If you equate sex alone and nothing else with feeling wanted then I do think you most definitely need counselling. Feeling wanted and cared for especially long term is far more than just sex. It’s stuff like getting a back or foot rub if achey, brought cups of tea in bed and all the small details of thoughtfulness and little in jokes that are unique to each couple. Some of which makes no sense or is not enjoyable to others. Being pressured in to sex is always awful.

With respect, if you dont want this baby dont have the baby. You have enough on.
Id go to couples counselling or your own counselling... both i feel.
Sex is important but not the be all and end all..he still finds you attractive, Believe me, that can be like gold dust.
Give it a go, could it be youre suffering from a little PND?

I think in the kindest way you need to have some help in looking into why the drop in sex life has you feeling like this, when by your account your partner is a good one. I know it can feel terrible - I have a very high drive and due to medication my DP is happy with once a week/ 10 days. However, it is still really important to stay emotionally close and we do this by lots of hugging and cuddling. I never really initiate sex as I don't want to pressurise him, he knows I'm always up for it and it tends to naturally happen. I wouldn't dream of sleeping on the sofa! Why does not having sex mean no cuddling?!?

I also think you need to seek some help op. And why you feel rejected if you don’t have daily sex, and why you pressurise partners, and feel it is should destroying. Your view of love and affection seems highly skewed, and if you were a man you’d get your arse handed to you

OP l agree with pps, this is not a healthy way to view sex. There's much more to a relationship than sex on a daily basis and if he's a good man in other ways this is worth exploring. Get counselling OP, you need help to work out why your self esteem and happiness is bound up in this issue.

The fact that once a week sex when you have a young DS, as well as 2 others (totally normal amount btw)sends you into a tailspin of believing you are not loved, shows that indeed you do have some issues.
You are rejecting him far more by being on the sofa, that is ludicrous. This almost sounds like a reverse.
Get therapy, you are defying logic.

Honestly op. I agree with everyone else. Leaving someone because they won't have sex every day seems bonkers to me. As we get older you're going to find it hard to find anyone that can keep up with that schedule. For people with young kids. Once or twice a week I'd say is average to good.

Daily sex is not the norm in a relationship! Even the horniest of men don’t necessarily want daily sex. Dropping to once a week is both normal and still probably more than most relationships.

Reading between the lines here, I’m going to hazard a guess that you’re hankering for sex daily, he doesn’t want to have it constantly, you’ve sulked and thrown it back at him and then gone and slept on the couch. So he’s pulled away from you because you’re just too much and have turned it into a drama.

Relationships are about compromise, you can’t expect your partner to want sex with you every single time you want it (and vice versa!) based on your post you have literally no reason whatsoever to feel rejected or that your partner doesn’t want you?! He was still having regular sex with you and wanted you back in bed with him.

Agree if a man slept on sofa because of lack of sex he would be called manipulative and abusive =/

I agree with the previous posters. Maybe you have a high sex drive or have unrealistic expectations of what a settled relationship feels like but I’ve not heard of couples with 3 children ( with a very young one) who have sex daily. There’s work, general day to day lives, activities for the children etc that being in a loving relationship does not equate daily sex.
If you don’t want this baby then please don’t have it but don’t just throw away an otherwise good relationship for something unrealistic.

Hi everyone, thank you for your replies. Sorry it's taken me so long to return to the thread.

I think I might have explained myself badly. I don't want or need sex daily, it's the physical affection I'm missing and sex is just something that I crave as a result. Once a week is perfect for me right now, but even if it's once a month I'd be happy with that as long as he was touching me for hugs and those sort of things during the day. I think I might have tapped out my compliant here without really thinking, like a stream of consciousness. 🤷‍♀️ I was upset.

So we had a big conversation, off the back of the advice you ladies gave me. And although I think we're a while off having sex again (I don't care), we've started to reconnect physically. He's holding me in a spoon to sleep. We're kissing. Talking about the future again.

It's really bizarre how I'd convinced myself that the situation was hopeless and I was 100% right. Reading your replies made me see....so I acted differently, and immediate change!

Thank you everyone. x

I totally agree with this. You are not on your honeymoon. It's daily life. Sounds like you have unrealistic expectations. Love isn't always demonstrated in a physical way.

I think it may be worth you doing some work on yourself. Exploring why you are this way. Why you thought this equates to being rejected. Counselling may help but also self help books.

John Gottman has amazing relationship books. Worth reading together.

Do you expect your partner to mind read? Genuine question I’m not being arsey btw. Also do you have fake conversations with him in your head? Or replay things over and over again. Again genuine question.

I agree with others - if you were a man, we'd be telling your partner to leave you. Huffing about not having sex and sleeping on the sofa is a big turn-off. Your partner is/was not cuddling/being affectionate because he probably thought you'd then expect it to lead to sex. You need to completely take the pressure off him. It's horrible being pressured for sex the whole time.

That's a nice positive update - glad to hear you feel like you're on a better track now. Well done OP. 💐

So pleased to read your update OP, and that you have talked and reconnected with your partner. Keep on communicating and being gentle with each other. So glad the replies here helped you, wishing you all the best going forward.

Glad things are improving. Might be good to put some decent birth control in place too