Would You Leave a Comfortable, Functional Relationship?

[IcingMyLeg]

With DP for 15 year, my only DC is grown up, lives separately.
For us it was a mad love affair, and we have been happy for most of it.

Then in 2019 onwards we have had some tough family time, lost FIL in 2021.
I have not seen my family since 2019 due to COVID first, then war (they are abroad).

DP has changed into a grumpy old man, put on weight, seems to have no interests or social life. Grief had hit him hard, I have truly done my best to support him and MIL, but I am not sure if I can accept that this is how it will be for the rest of our lives. Sounds awful, but he had lost most of attributes that thrilled me about him.

Last year DP proposed out of the blue and I accepted more out of inertia - how could I say no?

Now it’s all booked and I feel trapped, but also we have a good, stable life, though the longest dry spell of 2 months now…

He is not a talker, I must decide for myself how to carry on.

But part of me thinks that I am bored with my own existence, empty nester, no family nearby, no close friends, so I channel my frustration at him and our relationship.

Any wise owls here - is this mid-life crisis?

I think I'd speak to him about this and try to shake him out of his inertia. It's not good for him or you. I've said LTB on here more times than I can count, but I would have a go with this one and perhaps go to couples counselling. Basically I'd give it a year!

Sounds like he knew you were slipping away and so trapped you. Don’t get trapped.

Eeeeek that doesn’t sound good.

Thing is, when you do marry, you promise to be there for each other for better or worse. This is worse. He's grieving. He's aging. He may not be the man you fell in love with ever again.

Only you can decide whether you can face sticking with him through this, but these are the breaks in any LTR - there are bad times as well as good.

Postpone the wedding. Tell him why. That might wake him up. Then see if he can sustain it. If it doesn't, you must go.

I stayed with someone for decades out of not wanting to be selfish. But actually, I see now, no one owes anyone their whole self. I wish I had picked me earlier.

Wow @cheeseandbranston thats a stonker of a line….. no one owes anyone their whole self. Not relevant to me now but definitely in the past and will be using it in advice, thankyou!

OP - having said that, I think you owe it to both of you to at least talk to him. No, you don’t have to spend the rest of your life with him if it’s not what you want. But as a PP said he is grieving, and aging is inevitable….. if you really can’t make it work then absolutely leave, but you’ve got to give you both a chance to try. You say he’s not a talker - what, he would completely refuse to have the conversation?

He might be going through something
sounds like he is

can you refocus on your own life for a bit
find yourself some meaning and fulfilment
start planting some seeds

and let him see you take charge of things and maybe this will motivate him

def hints of middle life crisis yea
and also maybe sensible to postpone a wedding when he’s so low

He sounds depressed and grieving. Relationships aren’t just for the fun times. He may improve - although he will never be a 25 year partier again.

Ugh, sometimes it feels like the while country is depressed. Sub-prime mortgage crisis, austerity, Brexit, covid, wars in Ukraine and Gaza, crash if the pound, cost of living crisis, climate change… It’s not been as fun as the 1990s and 2000s were for a long time now. I’m not sure that breaking your engagement and leaving the father of your child will make you happier, just poorer.

Do you still love him? If so this is probably fixable.

Before you make a decision speak to your DH and explain how you feel. Tell him you want to postpone the wedding whilst you both decide if changes can be made.
You say grief has hit him hard and he is still affected by it. I would suggest counselling for him to help him to unpack his feelings in a safe, private space. At least you can then see if things improve and whether it's worth persevering.
At the same time you could be experiencing a bit of mid life sadness as well, so perhaps inject a bit more variety into your life, take up a new hobby or maybe do something you've always wanted to do to lift your spirits. You say you've been happy for most of your 15 years together so it's worth a try.