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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Traumatised by cheating.

15 replies

saybe · 10/12/2023 20:36

Title says it all tbh, but some more detail.

I found out i was being cheated on in June. Multiple people over 7 years, multiple times, some emotional, some just physical. When we spoke, I asked him what I was lacking and why he did it. He said nothing, you're perfect, it was just exciting. I did try and work past it until mid october but it was eating me up.

Sometimes he'd do something rude or disrespectful and inside id think 'how dare you, after i forgave you'. Even hearing a kid on tv say the word 'exciting' makes me feel sick. I found out a few of their names and if i hear them in passing online or on tv, i want to hate them just for having those names.

I lay in bed and replay so many things, i feel embarassed and humiliated. Like he was laughing at me this whole time. I trusted him so much and now i just feel lost.

Why is he not banging my door down to apologised and make me feel better. Im upset he's probably out having sex and im at home ruminating on how badly he treated me.

OP posts:
Original poster
saybe · 10/12/2023 20:37

And despite it all. I cant hate him. I just miss him but what do i even miss, i feel like i dont even know him anymore.

OP posts:
SutWytTi · 10/12/2023 20:39

It's so hard, the reason it is such a shock is you couldn't treat someone so badly.

I think you just have to accept this is how it is now, but it is going to get better. You will get over it.

AlifeOfPumpkinSpice · 10/12/2023 20:42

I'm not sure if you're venting or looking for help, I just wanted to say time helps. Instead of focusing on them redirect that energy to yourself, show yourself the love you deserve.

Original poster
saybe · 10/12/2023 20:44

I dont why I wrote this either..

One minute i feel relief that im out of it, 30 seconds later im crying and thinking of times we had. I feel jealous other women are getting the good parts of him. Then i think 'no, he'll do the same to them'. Then im upset i think he'll change for the one he really wants and why wasnt it me.

I genuinely feel so fucked up from it all.

Takes time i guess..

OP posts:
AlifeOfPumpkinSpice · 10/12/2023 20:54

That's okay you don't have to know why, it's completely normal to feel a range of emotions about it all, it's okay to cry or feel angry or confused or anything else that you're feeling. A person you've trusted hurt you, that's on them not you. You deserve better and it will get better with time.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 10/12/2023 20:54

i can imagine

do you have to stay with him?
i cannot imagine moving past this to be honest

And yeah it’s a major betrayal and given how many women and how many years …

Specso · 10/12/2023 20:56

It will just take time, lots of it.

He’s not banging your door down to apologise and make you feel better because he doesn’t care. If he did, he wouldn’t have had multiple affairs. It’s really hard to accept sometimes that a person doesn’t care about your wellbeing and feelings but someone who does what he has over and over just doesn’t care, only about himself.

It’s really important to keep telling yourself that even if you stayed together or got back together this would always be your life. He won’t change, he won’t stop cheating and suddenly be the man you want him to be. That’s just a fantasy.

Original poster
saybe · 10/12/2023 21:00

Well he cheated in june, we split up. He shagged around for 2 months while i was crying on anti depressants and eventually apologised and wanted to reconcile. I tried because i loved him so much but he'd be asleep in bed and id be crying thinking '2 months to apologise... exciting.. all the womens names in my head.. std test.. and YOUR'RE fucking sleeping soundly. I tried so so hard and i wish i couldve moved past it because i want to be with him. But i just couldnt. He destroyed everything for some fucking excitement.

Im scared to stop being busy for a single minute as i just think of him but im burning out trying to stay distracted. Why do people cheat, its so so damaging.

OP posts:
Original poster
saybe · 10/12/2023 21:01

Specso · 10/12/2023 20:56

It will just take time, lots of it.

He’s not banging your door down to apologise and make you feel better because he doesn’t care. If he did, he wouldn’t have had multiple affairs. It’s really hard to accept sometimes that a person doesn’t care about your wellbeing and feelings but someone who does what he has over and over just doesn’t care, only about himself.

It’s really important to keep telling yourself that even if you stayed together or got back together this would always be your life. He won’t change, he won’t stop cheating and suddenly be the man you want him to be. That’s just a fantasy.

SO hard to accept. I really did love him so much and he literally doesnt care. He said he does but he's nowhere to be seen, so he cant, your're right.

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UtterlyButterly2048 · 10/12/2023 22:18

He didn’t do this TO you or BECAUSE of you. He did it to himself. He exposed himself as a weak, selfish, cowardly turd and there is literally nothing you could have done to prevent it. He isn’t banging down your door to apologise because whatever shite he told himself to justify such appalling behaviour is still very much in play. He really isn’t looking in the mirror thinking “I am a totally shit person and I treated someone I claimed to love with absolutely no respect” because that would damage his already awfully poor self esteem. He was out chasing “excitement” because actually, he doesn’t really like himself and he desperately needs validation from other people to make himself feel better, the poor lamb 🤮 He is also massively selfish and feels he deserves his cake and to eat it too. He cannot accept responsibility so he’s thinking “ it didn’t mean anything” or “I didn’t mean to hurt her” or “ it was just sex” or pick another of the million lies shaggers tell themselves. It’s horseshit, obviously, but it’s literally nothing to do with you and he will continue this behaviour for the rest of his life, unless he has a metric fuck ton of therapy and acknowledges what a shit he has been.

UtterlyButterly2048 · 10/12/2023 22:22

Oh and for what it’s worth, I think he probably does care, as much as he is capable of anyway, but facing the pain and trauma he has caused you would mean admitting to what he really is - a selfish cheat and a liar and that is waaaayyy too scary for him. So he compartmentalises, blames you and moves on. Much easier for him that way but, in the long run, he will keep repeating the same behaviours.

Morewineplease10 · 10/12/2023 22:23

Same. Its awful. Mine was for the best part of two decades.

Only I can say that I most definitely do hate him!

See a trauma specialist if you can afford it.

Read up on narcissism and check out the chump lady website.

Therealweld · 10/12/2023 22:35

Do you love him or who he pretended to be?

Because he is dishonest and betrays for excitement.

You were duped.
He pretended to be a certain way or you wouldn't have been with him.
You know the truth now.
Its not pretty but its a good foundation. The best.

Now you are completely free to heal, to do whatever you need to do to recover and to even meet someone who is more aligned with your values.

If you can afford some therapy, get it.

Trauma can be stored in the body so strength training, running, dancing, physical therapies can help.
When your body feels strong and safe you will feel less vulnerable.

Put all your energy into you, give yourself the care attention love and respect.
You are the important one.

Original poster
saybe · 10/12/2023 22:38

UtterlyButterly2048 · 10/12/2023 22:18

He didn’t do this TO you or BECAUSE of you. He did it to himself. He exposed himself as a weak, selfish, cowardly turd and there is literally nothing you could have done to prevent it. He isn’t banging down your door to apologise because whatever shite he told himself to justify such appalling behaviour is still very much in play. He really isn’t looking in the mirror thinking “I am a totally shit person and I treated someone I claimed to love with absolutely no respect” because that would damage his already awfully poor self esteem. He was out chasing “excitement” because actually, he doesn’t really like himself and he desperately needs validation from other people to make himself feel better, the poor lamb 🤮 He is also massively selfish and feels he deserves his cake and to eat it too. He cannot accept responsibility so he’s thinking “ it didn’t mean anything” or “I didn’t mean to hurt her” or “ it was just sex” or pick another of the million lies shaggers tell themselves. It’s horseshit, obviously, but it’s literally nothing to do with you and he will continue this behaviour for the rest of his life, unless he has a metric fuck ton of therapy and acknowledges what a shit he has been.

Thank you for saying this. When you get cheated on you cant help but feel defective or deficient and that thats why they did these things to you. Thank you

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