Is our friendship over??

[Mia8xxx]

Hi all.
I would like some clarity on a situation that has been on my mind.
I would appreciate constructive and non-judgemental answers as I have encountered judgement on other advice forums.
I recently reconnected with a friend from school after 15 years.
Back then he had a crush on me and although I was aware of this, I never reciprocated his feelings and I wanted to remain strictly friends. However, on one occasion, we did nearly sleep together as I had too much to drink and I blurred the lines between our friendship and taking things further. It was a drunken mistake on my part. I knew the risk of me getting back into contact after all this time could potentially lead him to misconstrue my attempt to reconcile our friendship as me trying to initiate something romantic between us. However, as I was not aware of his marital or romantic status this did not prevent me. I thought it was all ancient history and that he may be in a serious relationship now. I had no intention of initiating any sexual or romantic contact with him as he is like a brother to me.
After I got back into contact, we met up several times in the evening and drink was involved. I am a social drinker so I did not think that this context would send the wrong message or was inappropriate. It was only during the second time that we met that he mentioned he was married, which I thought was odd. However, as he never propositioned me, I felt that it was ok to continue meeting with him. He has recently cancelled a meet up that we had scheduled and although he said he would rearrange, I have not heard from him in six weeks. After cancelling, we spoke for a week and since then there has been no contact from him.
I worry that I may have been naive in thinking that we could sustain a friendship and I feel like I am mourning the loss of a good friend.
Can you please help me make sense of why he has stopped contact with me. It is always helpful to get advice and insight from an outsiders' perspective.
Thank you.

I'd think this kind of thing is quite common these days, especially between male/female old friends, and particularly with social media. It is difficult not to step over the lines, all be It accidentally. From a guys POV, he's likely trying to ensure his partner/wife doesn't get the wrong idea/feels guilty for spending social time with you perhaps without telling them. Conversely, he might still have the crush, and needs the distance to sort himself out. It's very hard to be friends with a woman, even though you might very much want to maintain the friendship, when you've had very strong feelings for her in the past.

If you haven't been in contact for 15 years it sounds odd to suggest this person is like a brother to you and you are now mourning the loss of this friendship.

He's married so it's unlikely his wife would be happy with him suddenly striking up a friendship with a woman from the past.

I'd be very unimpressed if my DH met up with an old female friend that he hadn't seen for years whom he used to fancy and had once nearly slept with.

Come on, OP, he's not your friend and he's certainly not like your brother either. Let the man be.

If my DH was going out drinking several times one-on-one with a woman he used to have a crush on who had suddenly appeared back in his life, I would not be impressed at all. You can't be so naive that you would think he wouldn't come to the conclusion that this was inappropriate, or perhaps it was his wife that put a stop to things. Of course a man and a woman can be friends, I have male friends that I go for a drink with, but the difference is we have known each other consistently for years; my DH knows them; and I didn't used to have a crush on them or almost slept with them..

After 15 years, It's actually remarkable that he remembered you/wanted to meet up at all, given the wife at home. Might It not be best just to treat It as an enjoyable reconnection and knock It on the head? That's probably what the guy is thinking, in all honesty.

You know he fancies you and wants to have sex with you.

He's now married so stop "chasing " him.

He's obviously decided to concentrate on his marriage.

If you haven’t heard from him in 6 weeks he doesn’t want to be in a friendship with you. Whether that’s because it brings old feelings up for him (which I highly doubt after 15 years of no contact and he’s married) or it’s more likely his wife is uncomfortable with the idea of her husband going out for drinks with a woman she doesn’t know.

I think that someone you had no contact with for a decade and a half isn’t a ‘good friend’. It sounds as if you’re mourning an idea rather than a reality.

You've really the cheek to dig him up like nothing had happened when it was cruel to give him hope and manipulate him when you knew he had a crush on you the kind thing would have been to give him space to get over you but you kept dangling the carrots because you liked the dynamic, the favours and attention he would shower you with. I think you've treated him badly frankly, if it were me id be embarrassed to bump into him let alone actively chase him for a 'catch up'

Oh come on, you're not that "naive" . Please.

He's not your friend.

Can you please elaborate?

You're clearly not friends as you haven't met up in 15 years! Just leave it in the past. You like the idea of it, but its not a real friendship. Male/female friendships are always tricky, especially when they're married. I wouldn't like it if my husband reconnected with a female friend, after 15 years. Especially if they almost slept together. Take the hint and leave well alone.

What I meant was that we were friends when we met up several times.

but why? what would you have in common to be friends with some guy from 15 years ago? besides getting drunk.

Do you not have any girlfriends to hang out with?

Why wouldn't you have anything in common with someone from 15 years ago? Especially if you were friends with them before.

The lure of someone's adulation can be a big ego stroke, especially during times of low self esteem, deflation, whatever. Basically, it is more a reflection of where your life is at now. I'm guessing you think it could be better, because otherwise, you probably wouldn't give this guy the time of day if your life was full, but by your own admission, you contacted him, not the other way round.
Then, you didn't know his status, but he mentioned married on 2nd date. Now, if you were really not after an ego stroke and purely wanting a friend back from your pov (never something you can do with someone who has ever fancied you btw) you would of thought it was great, and be reassured by this, and maybe even have an attitude of, the more the merrier, let's meet her too. But no, you thought it odd, because you assumed if he was meeting you, he must be single?
He probably met you because he was intrigued after all the time that's passed. But since, either he, or his DW can see how inappropriate it is, so he is avoiding you.
If you want and it helps your fragile ego, take it as he knows it's inappropriate because he still has feelings. This is quite likely the case - either that or he worried you'd be after more.
That you can't stand the silence his end, rather than shrug it off already shows you are unhealthy invested.
Overall you are in denial here of a plain fact that if a friendship exist and continues because one fancies the other, its not a real friendship. In this case it never was, he was your mate because he fancied you, and you know it, but still want that ego massaged because something in uour life is lacking- and maybe its not in his anymore. He's got someone so he doesn't need to be friends with you as he was never in it for friendship.

If you hadn't slept with him to me that would be another story, but just move on really.