Is he cheating? Are we done?

[Soerdu]

I feel like there is so much to say I'm going to try and keep it super succinct (and probably fail).

Background....
I'm in my mid 40s and my other half is ten years younger. We've been together for over ten years. We have one 5 year old.

He shows zero affection. If I'm undressed near him, he won't notice. No kisses or cuddles during the day. He doesn't look at me. Very rarely gives a compliment and it'll usually be "you look nice" on the times I've really made an effort and not always then. No in depth convos. Irritated with each other more than anything else. He will usually respond to my advances but often now if I try to flirt he treats me with a comment that makes me sound like I'm being ridiculous.

I know that you're not supposed to blame yourself in this sort of situation but I do play a big part in this. I have a chronic pain condition (multiple diagnoses that unfortunately adds up to nothing can be done, endure it). My pain has gotten steadily worse over our relationship. I've gained over 2 stone and I'm often unable to do the regular things I used to which means more is left to him. Cooking, cleaning, childcare etc. He works from home. I am no longer working due to my health. I also think that I'm hitting that age where everything is failing. My health, my fertility, my looks, my figure.

Our children are difficult behaviourally (Autism and PDA). We do our best by them but are usually frazzled and exhausted and irritable.

Which means that he's working hard, I'm usually suffering, we're both tired, confidence is at zero and life is just seeming a bit too much to cope with. (Add that to the state of the world, state of finances, state of the government etc and it's a big s@!t soup).

So to combat this I have spoken to him. I've said we need to carve out time for ourselves. I've suggested we go on dates again. I've told him how never having him show me affection is hard. He's responded by saying he loves me and does find me attractive and has no intention of leaving. We've gone on a couple of dates. No affection. Stunted conversation. I've tried to bring it up a few times over the last year or so.

And nothing has changed. At all. If anything I am now so low about it all that I barely ever make a move on him and that means it's even worse because any affection was always instigated by me. He seems to have no desire, no drive, no interest in me at all. I'm realising that nearly every moment of affection or connection has always been me instigating.

Now he is doing all of the school runs as I am either in too much pain to walk or trying to deal with my older teenage child from a previous relationship. He's met other mums, more his age. He's started insisting he does all the runs, goes out to the park every day after school to hang out with one in particular and is now making visits to her house after school or on weekends. I've met her. She's a lovely lady. She's not a very attractive woman but I don't think that really means anything. Beauty is more than looks. (I keep trying to tell myself that! The struggle is real!)

And it's making me feel worried. I can't ever imagine him cheating. He's said he loves me. But I feel like this is a case of actions vs words. Sure when questioned he says he loves me and before he rolls over to sleep but it seems hollow. He does a lot for this family but I can see he's not happy. I've tried to do things to make him happier and they've failed. ( He wanted another child and I ended up having multiple miscarriages. He's always wanted a dog so I got him one as a surprise.)

My feelings are all over the place. I'm tired, unable to cope, I feel disgusted with my appearance, I feel hopeless with my health, and more often that not I feel like running away from it all. I get like this when I feel vulnerable.
I have tried to be kind to myself. Trying to reprogram that part of my brain that has been raised in an environment where your looks gave you more worth. I'm trying to work on myself but I have a sneaky suspicion that even if I were doing a lot better it wouldn't make a difference to him.

I can't talk to him about it because I feel like I've done everything a good therapist would advise and it's amounted to nothing.

Is he cheating? Maybe just entertaining the idea? Just done with us? Are we doomed? Does anyone ever get out of these ruts when health and age interfere?

Looking for outside perspectives. Please be kind.

I’m sorry you are ill. It’s very difficult when someone is ill and you have to pick up the slack. Sounds like he’s doing the best he can and trying to help you out by doing the park and school runs as you are unwell. It doesn’t sound like he’s cheating. Play dates are pretty common and it doesn’t sound like you can do them.

No advice op but following as I'm in the exact same boat apart from having a health condition just wanted to say your not alone .

@Babyg1995
I'm sorry to hear that.
I've always been someone that doesn't really fall into ruts. I make a conscious effort to always pay attention to my loved ones. And with my partner I'm the one that is giving spontaneous cuddles and kisses and compliments and cheeky bum squeezes. I just never realised how utterly soul destroying it can be to never have that attention back. It's made me withdraw and I think that combined with getting older and more restricted is what has led to this situation.

I totally agree it has destroyed any confidence I had can't believe it sometimes that it's ended up this way he's an amazing father though so it's very hard to just leave 😢

I am nearing 40 and am definitely feeling the effects of ageing and what it has done to my relationship. My partner is a few years younger and definitely notices younger women and shows more interest in them now. I’m on a mission to get my body and looks back - not so much for him but for myself. There are definitely ways to look fresher and better and I know I’ve let myself go to some extent. However yes I have also been in relationships where the other person isn’t interested anymore and it is heartbreaking. All you can do is focus on you and if it’s too late to get things back romantically with him then maybe you should part ways. You can’t force him to desire you again sadly, I’m in the same place right now and it’s horrible to feel. All I can say is you deserve to feel wanted and loved and if you’ve discussed it and he still won’t then pour all the love you’d give him into yourself. Improve every aspect of your life and that may include getting an upgrade by having a new partner.

Nothing kills romance like becoming someone's carer. He's only mid 30's, so he's young. None of this is your fault, but if you've put on 2 St and can't mobilise, you've unfortunately aged rapidly in recent years and the change sounds drastic, add in menopause and youve got a lot to deal with ahead. It's hard to advise without knowing what the future holds with your diagnosis, youve been quite vague, but thats your perogative. If it's more of the same poor health or further deterioration is expected, that's hard to deal with when you've grown older together, but you never will at the same time, so the empathy will not be there from him.
If you are, or have, sought out effective pain relief, antidepressants ( there's no way chronic pain doesn't drag you down) and any physical therapy that could help with your situation, and can really say you are doing all you can then not sure where you go. If you haven't, bang doors down to get help and support.
From his perspective, well if you are trying your hardest, then he should be respecting that, but if you've given in to your condition and just accept the status quo, that can cause resentment and leads to tuning out and turning off to it.

@Chelsea543
I'm sorry you are there too, it's such an empty sad place to be.
Your line that you can't force someone to desire you hit home. It's true. I can only be me and I guess me has become old, heavy and sad. I see so much of how we should be ok and love ourselves despite changing and being heavier or older but it does make an impact.

@Opentooffers
I have been tossed around between doctors and physios and neurologists for years with many labels being thrown about but it seems most likely that I have Ehlers Danlos Syndrome. So no cure and chronic pain but no impact on life expectancy and deterioration may be slow. I've had pain throughout our relationship so it's not new but it has gotten worse and I'm sure that's due to age and childbirth. (Carrying and having children was SO impactful on my body).

Pain wise I have to rest and do gentle movements. I do have some painkillers but unfortunately one of the symptoms of EDS is analgesia has little effect (not even epidural work well on me) so I use them sparingly as they can still cause unwanted side effects. I have good days and bad days.

I keep feeling like I'm so stressed and so at the end of my tether that I just want to run away from it all (can't do that with pain obviously) and get back to finding some peace in my life. Then the idea of not being around my family saddens me. I guess I want to just be a bit better, feel a bit more loved. I definitely have issues with being a burden and try to make up for that wherever I can.

OP, what about some counselling for you on your own? Could help boost how you are feeling about yourself which might in turn boost the relationship? Or couples counselling for you both, to try and help him understand how you are feeling more? Wishing you all the best xx

Update:
I asked him about it all after I realised they have been private messaging several times a day every day. He said that it's only friendship and he doesn't want a romantic relationship but that he is enjoying the friendship away from the stress of home. He said that the frequency was inappropriate and some messages were bordering on suggestive so that he's willing to reduce the sheer volume of communication.

He has said he loves me and wants to work on our relationship and has absolutely no interest in the other woman at all which is positive.

Not sure how I feel about it all. He wouldn't be finding that connection elsewhere if we were more secure and happy with each other. He says that life is just in the way at the moment and he doesn't know why he's so bad at displaying his affection.

I'm going to have to seek out things which boost my confidence too. I am totally aware of the part I play in it all.

Yes but would he be ok if it was you that had this ‘friendship’? I suspect not! Yes it sounds like there’s lots of work to be done but him building a close friendship with connection isn’t going to help you and him get back on track, albeit glad to hear he’s not interested in her romantically. Wishing you the best in sorting it all out 🌺xx

You need to take the focus away from what he thinks and feels about you and take some time to focus on yourself. Look at the parts of yourself you like, list them, remind yourself of them daily.
On another list write the things you would change about yourself if you could. Then look at that list again and decide would YOU genuinely change them for you or do you think they should be changed because of societal norms or your OH’s approval?
Those that you’d genuinely change because you want to. Look at small ways you can begin that change. I understand that your health means you have energetic and physical restrictions, but making even teeny changes, every day, is going to make a difference about how you think and feel about yourself. And thats what needs to change here..you need to like who you are again.

I know many, many women in their late 40’s early 50’s that society would view as far from perfect in a conventional sense, who carry themselves with genuine confidence and self love. And my god do the men by their sides adore them…because they love and value themselves!
You have carried babies, are raising children, are co running a home and managing a relationship. None of those things are easy. Please be gentle with yourself.

Making small changes and valuing yourself more will hold you in good stead whatever the outcome with your partner.

We've had a wonderful couple of days. He stopped responding to the woman and had been reassuring and somewhat attentive.

Today however he is feeling very low. He blames tiredness but I've heard how he is fed up with his life, the responsibilities, the stress from the children etc. I have a feeling it is to do with the lack of "light away from the dark" but he says he's just tired and has a cold. He says he doesn't miss chatting to her but his actions seem coincidentally timed.

This situation really highlights for me how much we really have to trust in our other halves. Do we go by words? By actions? How do we generate the evidence that allows that trust? It's a frightening feeling 10 years into a relationship. We think it's only in those first initial months or years. But it's not.