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Relationships

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Original poster

Partner working away ....

25 replies

adultingbadly · 10/12/2023 16:47

Sorry if this is a long one.... need to write it all down to see if I'm being unreasonable or not!

OH works for a large corporate business and applied for a new role within the company a few months ago which he got. It's slightly more money than he was on before but nothing crazy, plus expenses so it is putting a bit more money in the pot which is nice, and is the first step in climbing further up the ladder for him which he really wants.

When he applied for the role and we spoke about it he said it was a work from home role but travel to sites would be part of the role too depending on what projects they have going on at the time and this would mean he'd be away through the week sometimes. All ok I thought.

It's been 3 months now and he's not yet worked from home for a single day. For the last month, he's been away through the week as the project has been at a site 300 miles away so has been arriving back late on a Friday night and leaving again on a Sunday lunchtime. When he's back he just tells me how tired he is from travelling (yeah ok, I get that it can be knackering) but he's up for work an hour later than me every day, hotel breakfast, catered lunches and his evenings are his own from 4:30/5 each night so he's been out socialising/ going to hotel gym or just chilling in his room. Meanwhile I also have a full time job and the house, 2 dogs and 2 kids to try and balance so am also bloody knackered!!

Last week was meant to be his last week on the site and he was finally meant to be working between home and a site local to us from tomorrow until January so should have been home every night at least, but on Friday he announced he's actually agreed to stay another week at the site 300 miles away so won't be here at all.

For context, we have 2 kids aged 9 and 11. This isn't a case of me being needy, we're both generally independent, have our own friendship groups/ careers/ social lives etc but from a practical point of view I feel like I'm suddenly a single parent.
As far as I was aware until Friday morning he was going to be home this week, so had made plans for us as a family for one of the evenings, we'll obviously still go without him but the kids were gutted as they've really missed him. There was no consultation with me about him being away another week, I was just told it was happening.
I'm torn between wanting to be supportive with his new job and also feeling a bit shit about the whole thing! Is it worth it?

Any advice from anyone whose partners work away?
Am I being pathetic? 😂

OP posts:

LilyThePinksDealer · 10/12/2023 16:50

Perhaps he couldn't say no to working away. Perhaps is more money for the family. Tak to him and you'll have the answers

Original poster

adultingbadly · 10/12/2023 16:56

Sorry yes, I should have said: We have spoken about it and he agreed some discussion should have been had with me first at least. The company he works for has a big thing about promoting a good work life balance and 'family comes first' - I'm certainly not feeling any of that at the moment!
I'm not saying I'd have tried to stop him from going, I wouldn't do that as I'm aware that it's important and he wants to prove himself in this new role.
Maybe I just need to suck it up and accept it.

OP posts:

Loopytiles · 10/12/2023 16:59

Either he lied or his employer misrepresented the frequency of working far away. As he had and still has other job options and this set up is bad for you and th DC I I wouldn’t be willing to support this and it’d be a deal-breaker for me if he didn’t start job seeking again.

AgnesX · 10/12/2023 17:03

The company I work for has similar kinds of projects which require project staff to work away. Most who do see it as a way to climb the ladder, everyone does it at some point to get seniority.

It may well be that a refusal will leave him out on a limb in terms of work he can do in the office.

WannabeMathematician · 10/12/2023 17:08

My DH works away 1 week in three and is gone on the Saturday lunch before. I’d hit the fucking roof if he dropped a bomb on me like that. Yes he needs to do it for work but you don’t get paid for extra household work that needs to be done. I get the working away is part of the job but you need to be at least considered not just told to suck it.

Original poster

adultingbadly · 10/12/2023 17:10

AgnesX · 10/12/2023 17:03

The company I work for has similar kinds of projects which require project staff to work away. Most who do see it as a way to climb the ladder, everyone does it at some point to get seniority.

It may well be that a refusal will leave him out on a limb in terms of work he can do in the office.

Yes I understand that, i probably just need to let him crack on don't I?!
I guess it's extra difficult with the run up to Xmas etc as I feel like I'm doing absolutely everything.
He also announced this weekend that he's going to be away for our youngest's birthday in February. Part of me is just thinking is it really worth it?

OP posts:

Original poster

adultingbadly · 10/12/2023 17:19

WannabeMathematician · 10/12/2023 17:08

Thanks, was starting to feel like I was being needy!
I think I've made my feelings clear on that, I at least expect a discussion around it!

I also sometimes have to do overnight stays for work (very occasionally) but I'd never just say yes without first checking with him! I think he's realised that now to be fair and just got carried away trying to impress.

OP posts:

WannabeMathematician · 10/12/2023 17:38

I understand! You want to be supportive but the teams energy is a finite resource. He needs to understand he doesn’t get to spend it willy nilly.

amylou8 · 10/12/2023 17:47

Sounds like he's having a jolly old time, I'm not surprised he grabbed the extra week. I'd be annoyed too.

Original poster

adultingbadly · 10/12/2023 17:50

We're generally a good partnership, or so I thought! Just suddenly feels like I'm on my own!

OP posts:

Opentooffers · 10/12/2023 18:09

This has unsustainable written all over it. I bet intimacy between you has taken a big hit. You have hardly seen each other for months and both knackered when you do.
I hope the extra money is being made available for a cleaner and any childcare you need as well as pretty frequent takeaways, gardener, dog-walker etc. as I'd be outsourcing every job possible as it's totally unfair to expect you to take on the load. He's being the absent parent, so he should stump up for the extra help required in his absence. Also if he does FA around the home and with DC's when he's back, he needs telling that is unacceptable given all you do.

stepintochristmas1 · 10/12/2023 18:11

I think and I may be way off the mark here as everyone is different . But you're not married and part of me would grudge giving him such a leg up in his career when he isn't really talking to you about all the working away . You need to have a stake in this . As I said just my feelings like you are being a nanny and housekeeper with no commitment .

Craftysue · 10/12/2023 18:18

My husband worked away every week - Monday to Friday for a few years. It's hard at times especially if the kids are ill but I got a really good routine and it worked ok for us. His job was fairly specialised and most of the best roles were London based - I just didn't want to live in or near London. I would give it 6 months and if you don't feel it's working for you then you will have to reassess but it can work and I felt we were still a good partnership. Good luck

Original poster

adultingbadly · 10/12/2023 18:53

stepintochristmas1 · 10/12/2023 18:11

I mean, we're not married no but that's more my choice than his. He would but I'm just not arsed about being married!
I've never had to question his commitment before and, in his defence, I do think his motivations for doing this are genuine.

In response to the money covering a cleaner etc, yes I agree that's a conversation I probably need to have with him.

In terms of pulling his weight when he's home - housework wise he'll chip in but to be honest we've been trying to have quality time with the kids for the short time he's back.
Kids - he is a great Dad and they do have his pretty much undivided attention when he's home.
Intimacy - yes it's taken a big hit as we have very little alone time and when we do we're both knackered - that's a problem for a different day though.... for now I could just do with some help with the elf on the pissing shelf 😂

OP posts:

jimmymcg · 10/12/2023 19:48

It seems you are at the end of this project, so I would just have that in the bag to show how supportive you have been. However I would not be happy with it ongoing as that was not the deal when he took on the promotion, as explained to you. BUT what I would be really hot on would be the leaving on Sundays, no way on that. He can get up early on Monday and travel and if he arrives a couple of hours in to the day he has plenty of opportunity to make up the time through the week. No way would I be happy to let routinely cut into the weekend like that. It not fair in you or the dc.

Original poster

adultingbadly · 10/12/2023 22:39

Yes, it's new for us so I'm prepared to give it some time but I'll be setting some ground rules I think when the next project comes up!

OP posts:

Peablockfeathers · 10/12/2023 22:45

One partner working away when you have children and a house to run is a big imposition, if you thought he was coming home then absolutely can see why you're feeling annoyed! My ex was military and I hated it and I ended up resenting him for it.

SheilaFentiman · 10/12/2023 22:49

YANBU for being annoyed about the extra week being announced not discussed.

Get through this last week then a proper chat about discussing with you, leaving early Monday morning not Sunday etc etc

Motototo · 10/12/2023 22:53

Sort of mis-selling this job role wasn’t it. Do you think he may have known it would be like this but sold it to you as working from home.

Original poster

adultingbadly · 11/12/2023 06:06

Motototo · 10/12/2023 22:53

Sort of mis-selling this job role wasn’t it. Do you think he may have known it would be like this but sold it to you as working from home.

Edited

I'm not sure to be honest!
It could just be timing of him starting has meant it's worked out this way as he was thrown into a pretty big project straight away.

OP posts:

BananaSplitsss · 11/12/2023 06:19

Not wanting to be outing but my husband works away, abroad for around nine months of the year.

We have two children. I am mentally unwell as it is .

Am just about standing to be honest. Not even sure how I am still here but that’s a whole different thread .

blackfluffycat · 11/12/2023 06:29

I've done this for 18 years it's crap.

Although I knew what it would involve (armed forces) I still don't like it.

I don't know any different though. It must be such a shock to you. Not fair.

DH knows nothing about school timings, bins, even how to get an appointment on the nhs. It infuriates me!!!

jeaux90 · 11/12/2023 06:58

Sorry but it pisses me off when people say they feel like a single parent when you still have the comfort of another salary coming in. I'm a lone parent and you have no idea of the actual pressure.

Yes you are right to be pissed off, you are doing all the physical and emotional labour and there is little equality at the moment.

I'd outsource what you can afford to like cleaning etc and tell him if you divorced it would be 50/50 with the kids so he couldn't be away all the time.

blackfluffycat · 11/12/2023 07:22

BananaSplitsss · 11/12/2023 06:19

Not wanting to be outing but my husband works away, abroad for around nine months of the year.

We have two children. I am mentally unwell as it is .

Am just about standing to be honest. Not even sure how I am still here but that’s a whole different thread .

I'm intrigued what he does? It's not obvious to me?

Original poster

adultingbadly · 11/12/2023 10:54

jeaux90 · 11/12/2023 06:58

Sorry but it pisses me off when people say they feel like a single parent when you still have the comfort of another salary coming in. I'm a lone parent and you have no idea of the actual pressure.

Yes you are right to be pissed off, you are doing all the physical and emotional labour and there is little equality at the moment.

I'd outsource what you can afford to like cleaning etc and tell him if you divorced it would be 50/50 with the kids so he couldn't be away all the time.

Sorry, I didn't mean it from a financial perspective. I completely understand what you're saying and didn't mean to cause offence.

OP posts:

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