TRIGGER WARNING- SUICIDE
Am I depressed and withdrawn due to that/ unforgiving and unrealistic or would you leave?
This may be long but only because I want to avoid drip feeding. I’m anxious of replies but also 100% prepared for different views. Please be honest.
I’m just very up and down at the moment as to whether to leave my husband of ( yes 4 months eek) or not. Here’s some facts to help before I explain the events I’m struggling to fully move past.
Background: Been together 3 years. Friends at work for 18 months prior. Proposed after 6 months. Married after just under 3. Me, one 8 year old with good involved dad. Husband no kids. We don’t want kids together - happy with how things are.
Background of me: I’m 30, grew up around trauma. Domestic violence etc. rocky childhood. Depression on and off. Tried to commit suicide as a teen and sadly tried 8 weeks ago via overdose ( I said I was going to the shop and instead was off somewhere nobody would see me) I eventually admitted and said where I was before things hit a point of no return. Understandably, very hard for DH. He’s so happy I’m here and I’ve encouraged he seeks counselling in the new year to process it. I feel bad I really do. I’ll touch on him more soon. But yes I’ve always struggled with my MH. I’m
Currently on AD’s and awaiting counselling and on long term sick for now. Work been supportive and fam and friends. This year I became estranged from my mother and stepdad- mother is a narcissist. I admit I overthink and get anxious. I can also blow hot and cold. I’ll be exploring this in counselling
DH: He’s 31,Has anxiety, sometimes doesn’t open up about how he’s feeling sometimes but communicates well. He’s a family man. He’s not really a drinker- small circle of friends who are nice. Lovely family who I get on well with. Intelligent man- 2 degrees. He left a profession that had a good future but detrimental to his MH so I was very supportive and encouraged him to take the LOF and leave despite a potential financial hit. He’s happier and calmer now. Im so pleased. His happiness is my priority. He has had AD’s on and off for years and some counselling. No real ‘ reason ‘ as in trauma , more unexplained but I’m a big advocate for MH and to me there doesn’t have to me a ‘ reason’ and his issues are as valid as mine. He’s amazing with my daughter- says he loves her like his own. He’s generous, he communicates. He listens to me, he praises me daily at how strong and beautiful I am ( as much as I don’t believe it). He loves his family and lives for family. Lived at home till he moved in with me at 29. Bum wiped to be frank- despite working didnt pay any money and I think MIL did this to help him save in her defence, but he has nothing to show for it. He said he didn’t earn tons but to me he should’ve saved something but it’s done now and I didn’t know him then so not my business I guess. No housework - clothes washed and left folded dry in bed type of life. This comes into play later
Events that have caused a strain: In a nutshell I rented a house my mother owned for investment, after leaving my ex. DH moved in with me there and plan was to move and buy in 2 years time. Mother became very hard work ( narcissism- won’t bore you with the back story ) but we ended up being thrown out by her, threatened by my stepdad and there was tons of stress and upset- I started to have spells of nearly fainting etc. it was a hard time. I promise this isn’t a drip feed with my mum- she’s simply just not well. The huge feud started because she was angry my MIL was going to also be helping make our wedding cake. ( yes I know) She’s jealous and controlling. ANYWAY- we moved to another rental that’s beautiful and right by my daughters school but more expensive due to current climate. I love it here though. We also had the wedding to plan, partner changed jobs this year too. It’s all been a lot and I felt like I was sinking. I felt like I was gripping on for dear life and 8 weeks ago I think everything hit me hence the attempted suicide.
Really sorry that was long but I feel like to get proper advice you needed a little context. Here are the issues for me-
1- Money
In 2022, whilst we were planning our wedding and having a lot of convos for months about budgets, where our money was, money to buy houses etc- my partner broke down and finally admitted that for 6 months ish he’d been lying to me and was in fact nearly 4 grand down. ( Some money owed from tax, overdraft) I was so so shocked because I’d always been open about checked in about finances- we doing ok? Anything we need to cut back on? Anyway, he lied well and always was chirpy saying all good. His reason for lying was that he felt it was his responsibility to look after us and thought he’d sort it before I knew. I dug further and there were no spends such as gambling etc. it was simply COL , more bills now ( remember the whole not dealing with finances before). I was gutted - because of the lying more than anything. We got past it.
2- Porn
My ex boyfriend of a year and I broke up as I found out he had an addiction to cam sites. DH knew this and even saw the damage it did to me when we were mates. My fault here is I never really set a porn boundary but two things made me think I didn’t need to spell it out- a) ex situation and how strongly I felt and b) I’d mentioned porn and I don’t remember what context but he’d said ‘ I don’t get why anyone in a relationship would watch porn. It’s sad. I don’t remember the last time I watched it.’ Tbh I felt smug - oh my DH wouldn’t go on it, I’m enough ya di yah. Lo and behold, I’d gone away for a night and things were a little frosty because we’d had a tiff. Anyway, I came back next time all
Was fine and I just KNEW. You know that weird women’s intuition? So I asked, he said no. I asked again he admitted he’d watched porn. God was I gutted. Queue me becoming very insecure. He said he swore on me, my daughter and his whole family he’d not touched it once in the relationship. That he was sad and lonely and missed me and he watched a generic couple type video to help think of stuff we do as a couple and it was more a quick look back and forth but think of us thing. This calmed me because at least he was thinking of us. It did hurt me though and I said I don’t get why he wasn’t more open and just admitted he’d have accessed porn potentially then we could’ve discussed how against it I am. He said he meant what he said about not being interested in it and it was a stupid one off. Said he didn’t go on for girls- it was for a visual aid to imagine ‘ the bones of sex’. Just to reiterate guys, I 100% get porn for some is fine and with my exes I wasn’t arsed but the trauma with the cam thing changed me. It’s the lying again that hit the most.
3- Social media
This isn’t a huge issue but it’s along with everything else and just the boundary crossing etc. DH always made a point to me that he thought liking stuff on social media had a time and place and many men use it as a loop hole to flirt. He said he didn’t find liking girls selfies appropriate for example. I agreed and said I’d be upset if he liked an obvious provocative shot. I said a female friend stood i n front of a pyramid? Of course fine. A girl half
dressed pouting? No. Not my jam. I was upset to see he’d liked some girls’ video of her in a leather crop top, cleavage and clearly attractive, singing on a guitar. Her insta page was full of shots of her in what I’d call as soft nude - couldnt post those shots if you were a professional or you’d be pulled into the office type of thing. ( btw he is big into music and even studied it) He said he swore blind he liked it as it’s his fave song, he knew her when she was 15 as she did a recording in a studio he worked in and didn’t even notice the top or intention, saw the song, liked and moved on. I showed him her page and he was shocked and said he didn’t realise it became like that as he follows hundreds of people, doesn’t see people pop up often ( I know what he means) and never clicked on her profile and so unfollowed. I explained that why discuss liking provocative flirty stuff as being bad then do it? He said he really didn’t mean it to look that way. We moved on. Few months on and he was showing me his insta likes as he was trying to find a video he’d liked or something. I see a video of a blonde girl on a guitar with her tongue out. I said who’s that? ( insecure I know) and he was very open like oh it was just a video that came up of a guitar video. I then saw he’d liked more vids of her. He clicked on it to show me and girls , you’d know what I mean but this girl was stunning blonde giggling on her guitar doing a guitar rift and being abit flirty to the cam. It was a bit cheeky so to speak. Nothing crazy but flirty. He said he’d then thought oh wow that’s talent to do that guitar trick and clicked on her page and liked two vids of her solo singing on her guitar. Please feel free to call me insecure. I’m not on here to cater sympathy- I want honesty and trust me I know I’m insecure but it didn’t sit right with me. I said why are you trolling through some random girls Instagram liking videos of her? He said ( which is true) he’s always on music pages and 99% are men but he was just curious of this artist. To me it just didn’t sit right that she was just a normal girl with a small following, not some big star. I said I felt he’d liked it and gone on her page for reasons other that music. He swore blind that wasn’t the case. I said look, I don’t want to be controlling but would you be anxious if I’d gone through some random man’s Instagram liking videos of pulling weights? ( I like the gym) and he said be understands. Anyway we moved on and I said just be mindful. Maybe I’ve been controlling saying that? I get some people don’t care about likes, some people share stuff of Celebs saying ‘ if only 🩷!’ I think once again it’s the saying ‘ I don’t like stuff of girls’ then doing it?
4- Female friend
In one of DH’s old jobs, he had a colleague- she moved 6 (or 7?)Years ago and not seen her since. Not madly close at the time but chummy at work. She’s now in a relationship
and living in Ireland. Anyway, he mentioned this mate and I said aw how nice you stay in touch. Not bothered she’s female. Just to add, all of DH’s mates are male apart from one female who he went to uni with who he’s stayed in touch with and friends with still. Lovely girl, met her few times, married with kids etc. she came to the wedding. No sexual past with her etc simply mates and no issue for me ( just reiterating this as I know some people find these friendships a little worrying which I’m not judging). anyway, back to past colleague. When we hit the tough summer of 22 because of the money and porn, he started messaging her a bit for advice and he said she was very supportive and defensive of me, telling him lies are damaging and from a females side etc. porn is upsetting. I have zero idea of the actual convos, I’d never asked. Never once gone through his phone in our relationship. It died down a little when we became more stable ( within a few weeks) and the interaction with her halted to a more normal level. He said he didn’t want to talk to family as he wanted to keep our issues private for as long as poss and his male mates were abit useless and I was pleased he had this female friend who was helping him become more considerate and help him through his worries etc. he always said their relationship was always platonic in both sides etc.
This is the part that threw me massively. 3 months after the period he was chatting to her lots about me for support, we were at his mums. She was brought up in convo because my DH used to work in same workplace as MIL so she knew her too. She said ‘ oh she was just totally in love you with wasn’t she- if you’d have felt the same, she’d had married you!’ I was like????? What? DH brushed it off and stayed quiet. I kept calm and quiet but when alone
with MIL I asked her what she meant and it turns out that this friend was really into my DH, besotted with him and she was that flirty that someone
My MiL worked with thought they were an item!? I spoke to DH and he said it’s rubbish, that my MIL thinks any woman who even looks his way fancied him, said they never ever flirted, never met up, never sent kisses or anything. He said he promises he never got the feeling she liked him and that he 1000% had and has zero likeness in that way for her. I sound horrible here and please understand as a reader where I’m coming from here but she’s not stereotypically attractive- very overweight and a little unusual looking but I’m no flaming goddess and so what i guess? You can still become attracted to someone who isn’t size 10 and glowing. Personality goes a long way so it helped that I knew she’s not stunning but also wasn’t a huge importance to me. I was pretty angry to be honest. Angry hed kept this from me because he knew what his mum and a couple of other people thought and I felt lied to. I said that he should’ve explained this. At least been open of her fondness for him. He’s the type of person who said he never ever picked up on if a girl liked him and it took months for him to realise his ex , who was a friend, was actually trying to massively come onto him. Same with us, he said he always liked me but didn’t think I felt the same and honestly I was so flirty with him ( on the phone obv not work as that’s not professional) and I literally had to spell it out. I said I was tired of deceit and that I didn’t want him to carry on with these little agony aunt conversations anymore. I said I didn’t want him discussing me and us because I no longer felt comfortable about her. Maybe that was wrong of me? But I was just tired of lies and he was very understanding and promised I didn’t have to worry as he’d no longer spill everything out to her or discuss us. That he rarely talks to her anyway. Fast forward 5 months later and I was having a really bad month, we’d just moved and my mum was causing me so much stress- I have a stressful intense job and I felt like I was drowning and I admittedly started to have a wobble and a bad week feeling crap about previous events. The guitar girl thing had just happened and I jjst felt shoddy. He slept on the sofa as we were bickering a little. The next morning I came down and I’d seen when I woke he’d been on WhatsApp till midnight. Strange. I knew straight away he’d been messaging her. I said to him straight ‘ you’ve been messaging blank haven’t you’ and his heart sunk in his face and he said yes but please let me explain. I went mad I admit. I said I was sick of the going back on his word and demanded to see what he’s messaging to a girl from his job who he hasn’t seen in 6 years who ‘ loved him’. He showed me. Boy was she vile about me. Saying maybe he shouldn’t marry me- just trying to basically play the cool girl and I’m the crazy fiancé . It was discreet in some ways but also not. That snidy way that only girls notice. She said my MiL deserved to know ‘ what I’m like’( my MIL knows eveything and was angry at the money and porn and did him a good talking to of how to treat a partner with honesty). So she was talking a load of rubbish and no helpful advice at all. I told him how dare he make out this girl was defending my corner and supporting him emotionally
when in fact she was giving advice about someone she doesn’t know (me) and someone she hardly knows now ( he last knew her at age 23 and now a 30 year old man). He begged and cried. Said he swore he didn’t realise how awful she was being. He didn’t agree to anything nasty and that’s the only thing that saved him. He just spilled out how scared he was of losing me etc and you could tell he wanted advice but wasn’t really getting it. He showed me the past convo and she did message him coincidentally that evening and said to him basically hey it’s been a while. They’d not spoken for months. I didn’t ask to see past convos from the very past because I felt it was breaching too much privacy. I did voice how I didn’t truly believe what the convos involved and he swore she’d never acted that way before and I said you either sort this or leave. He ended up messaging her saying her messages were harsh and that he felt they were out of line. She replied with the whole ‘ you are my dear friend who I’m only trying to help’ garbage and he didn’t reply. That’s the last time they spoke he says. I said how upset I was and I said to be honest, I can’t carry on if he’s friends with her so he blocked her and that’s that. He said he’s never happy to lose a friend but said she’s not important or a big part in his life and he’d never see her again anyway and not bothered. He apologised profusely and said he was desperate for advice hence speaking to her. What really stung is she acted like some little secret to him and said ‘ can she even admit to herself that she’s ok with our friendship?’ Fishing it felt like. He then outed me and said- no she isn’t to be honest because what mum said about her. I was so angry he humiliated me by telling her my insecurities and that I asked to leave deep conversations about me at bay. I just felt really let down. How many boundaries was he going to cross? He said he’s learnt from it and knows a boundary is a boundary and despite him being desperate, it wasn’t an excuse. We moved on.
5- Laziness
I won’t go too deeply into this as I’m sure you’re exhausted if you’ve gotten this far but he has always been crap around the house on and off. I’d voice it and he’d apologise and be Cinderella then it’d slip again. My excuse to myself was I worked a little less longer days ( still Monday to Friday though) and still 7 hours a day. He was more 8 hours and bigger commute. I felt he never did his fair share. When I tried to commit suicide he was phenomenal. I was in such a dark place and he really stepped up. He did me proud and I have so much guilt of how hard emotionally it must’ve been. He took a week off work and took control
Of house admin and school run. He was my rock whilst I recovered. And has been since. He said to me ‘ this has really woke me up to how much it takes to run a house and look after a child more- I promise I’ll be better’ He was a bit then wasn’t. HOWEVER, he has improved massively over time. But I refuse to reward a grown man for just simply pulling his weight. Id always show appreciation though. I’m tidier than he is and maybe my standards are higher. Anyway, he slipped back to
Zero in the last month. Zero house work BUT out of the house 6-6. ( this won’t normally be this long- it’s temp for training) so I said of course I’m home and should be taking control. Tea ready, house done. Less of a problem. But I’m not on holiday. I’m on a mental Recovery. 5 weeks ago I was so depressed after the AS that I wasn’t getting out of bed. Now his problem though maybe? Maybe I need to man up? Now I’ve really
Pushed myself because who else will help me but me? I need to do this for my daughter and spouse. So I got a treadmill, joined the gym and always ensuring I’m dressed, eating good food, taking my meds and working on my MH. What I’m worried about is if I turn back into 85% housework fairy when I go back to work. I’m so scared of getting sick again. I voiced this and he listened and has been over compensating last few days bless him. I then find myself
Saying ‘ you don’t have to
Put a wash on, hang one and put one away all by yourself let me help too’ as I feel guilty that it’s his day off but then of course that’s mixed messages. I just want him to be consistent and it be natural. I guess he was given zero tasks for way too long as an adult with his parents -that it’s not natural.
My MH can be tricky but so can his and I do feel like I’ve really carried him through and supported him in many ways , especially back in his old job and maybe I’m a little resentful that right now I need that extra help and to remind him again for it now the dust has settled, is disheartening.
To be honest, I did a lot of thinking on the run up to the wedding. We were due to marry in 5 months and I knew I either forgot the past, broke down the issues and reminded myself of his reasons/ explanations ( excuses?) and move on OR leave.
I stayed, clearly. I spoke to people- some has mixed opinions. Some said they were forgivable, some said it’s an accumulation of lies. My sister said the girl from work thing was really hurtful.
He’s not in a great place since my suicide attempt, understandably. Nothing massive but he has guilt and a lot of it. He says he feels responsible for my MH decline due to letting me down in the past. I’ve said very clearly to him that it was MY choice and NOTHING to do with him. To make out the above issues cause a SA is manipulative in my eyes - it was my MH issues and childhood issues and yes I guess a stressful year- all in one.
I guess I’m at a weird place right now. Im slowly on the mend mentally
but I’m having a bit of an epiphany. Can I trust my husband? Will he always lie/ break boundaries/ go back on morals? He was on his knees last month begging me. I voiced my concerns and got teary and said, what is a marriage without trust? Because, I don’t trust him. I feel I don’t fully believe him. I’ve always been insecure and I 100% hold my hands up. Worried he’d leave, worried I’m not good enough etc. BUT until summer of 22 where it felt like 9 months of lies and boundary breaking took place- I was really tackling this and trust was fab. He’d gone away for a weekend with the lads for example. I wasn’t worried whereas my previous anxious self would’ve been. I was facing my issues and I thought, right , he’s not a liar so you can trust him. Your parents letting you down and your exes are in the past, HE hasn’t let you down. Until he did.
My DH really is such a sweet man. He gushes over me, adores my daughter and he’s constantly trying to prove that those months taught him a lot and he swears he will never ever let me down again. He said he’d do anything- counselling anything to help regain the trust I’ve lost due to the accumulation.
Im just not fully sure whether I’m being stupid!? Am I? Be honest! Are these things nothing? Is it my MH doing this? Or are they big but forgivable? Small but forgivable? I’m so confused . Not forgiveable?
I read stuff on here and I’m like, is he someone capable of an affair??
I love him. I really do. Day to day we get on so so well. We rarely bicker, we have a good sex life, we are affectionate, he’s caring and listens. He asks how I am. I ask how he is. We check in. We laugh, we love the same things.
There’s so much good, but right now I feel myself withdrawing. We aren’t the bickering type but I’m finding myself just feeling annoyed a lot, irritated and less affectionate. This can’t carry on the way it is. It’s not fair on him that every few weeks or months, I remember it all and I don’t trust him. It’s always there hidden away but I just feel so I fully know him?
I want him to be happy. I want us to be happy.
I’ve asked to be 100% honest and does he feel controlled? He said not at all. He said I encourage him to
See mates, respect his privacy etc. he says yes I question things more now but he said he did that to himself. But I don’t want to be a nag. I want to trust. I mean, it’s not like he’s cheated! Do I need to slap myself???
I really don’t want to lose my little family. I’ve had such a hard life. I’ve finally married a man who worships me but id also be saying to someone on here myself - is disrespecting your views and lying , worshipping you?
I’m so scared or starting again alone. I honestly feel that if I can’t trust him, I’ll never trust anybody. He’s the most caring man I’ve met and if he’s messed up, then to me, anyone can. I don’t want to be alone.
He knows how I feel at the moment. He’s gutted. He’s so scared. He keeps saying he’s useless. I’ve assured he’s not. I’ve assured I can’t drag up the past and it’s the trust part I’m finding hard. That he’s a good man. I don’t want to
Punish him but I’m stuck here. He’s devastated - he’s being strong but I can tell he’s terrified.
I scared myself the other day by actually getting on a calculator and finding out what I’m entitled to if I live alone etc.
Please help me, wise women of MN. What would you do? Is this marriage dying or am I just recovering mentally and thinking in a cloudy way? Am I being an idiot to lose this man?
I know nobody is perfect. Im
100% far from it. I know that no marriage is perfect.
Help. All advice welcome. Sorry and thank you if you get this far x