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Original poster

How to approach my husband around his selfishness

21 replies

J0DI3 · 10/12/2023 02:59

Selfishness is a real problem in my marriage and I know I’ve allowed this problem to continue for far too long.

I am annoyed tonight because my husband volunteers with an emergency service and he has been on shift tonight and probably won’t be home until 3-4am when I’ve been home with the kids alone. I just feel there is no compromise there when it comes to his role within the family because I was up from 2-3am with DS who has been crying out for cuddles. Not my husband’s fault I know!

I already know he’ll be sleeping in tomorrow morning to catch up on the sleep he’s lost, whilst I’ll be up with the kids and will have to do everything all morning including walking our dog with two children under 2.5 and get things ready for Santa’s grotto tomorrow. I don’t get a break!

This is a common occurrence in our relationship as he completes a shift a week although not always this late of one and it really makes me feel unappreciated and like I’m his personal babysitter whilst he gets to go off and do his thing.

Any advice of how I can approach this in a way that isn’t going to cause conflict would be gratefully received.

OP posts:
Consideringachange2023 · 10/12/2023 03:06

Honestly it shouldn’t cause conflict because it’s a totally reasonable request that you get equal free time and you do equal parenting outside of his working hours.

The best way to approach this is not doing it when you’re angry, choosing a neutral time so it can be approached as a conversation rather than an argument off the back of you being tired or frustrated.

And try not to go in like “you’re always busy and I don’t get enough support etc” as I find selfish natured people can be quite defensive too. So it’s better to maybe say something like “I am really struggling at the moment, I don’t get any downtime and it feels too much. I need us to find a bit more balance so that I can get a break; what do you think we can reorganise for that to happen?”

Perhaps leaving the court open rather than just saying “it’s your fault you’re always busy and selfish” might work better.

If he is of selfish disposition you’re probably going to always have this issue though as he’ll be thinking of himself first, he needs to see you as a team, and the team only works if eveyone is happy and healthy.

Spencer0220 · 10/12/2023 03:11

Firstly, how long has your husband been volunteering? Have you raised anything before? Did he ask you if he could do this?

Whilst it is commendable that he would volunteer for a very important night shift, you also need to both recognise his role at home.

A compromise would be good. Maybe volunteer during the day? Or agree to look after the kids one morning a week solo, so that you can rest and recover

saffronsoup · 10/12/2023 03:34

Plan an evening out with your friends or to do your hobby.

I don’t think the answer is to tell him he can’t volunteer because you don’t go out. The answer is more for you to also have other activities in your life outside of work and kids.

mathanxiety · 10/12/2023 03:49

Announce to him that you've got an unpaid volunteer position at your local hospital wheeling patients around. The job will involve night shifts once a week. You want to know what his plans are for running the house and minding the kids while you're doing your volunteering and also while you catch up on sleep afterwards,

If he gets upset that you've taken on the role without considering the effect on his volunteering or sleep or time to himself, you should nod wisely and tell him that yes, taking your partner's good will and energy and willingness to hold the fort for granted day in, day out, week in , week out is indeed a problem.

Firefly2009 · 10/12/2023 05:35

What other things has he done to be selfish? You say it's a problem you've allowed for too long, so I take it there's more to this.

It shouldn't be an issue to discuss such things in a relationship. Just say how this is difficult for you and what you would like him to do, preferably. Is there a compromise. Also, what would you like to do away from the kids, for yourself. Make sure there is no double standard.

FloweryName · 10/12/2023 06:18

You seem to be focusing on your husband’s selfishness, but is that really because he is selfish in general or is that because you wrote your post at 3 in the morning in the middle of a busy weekend when you’re looking after your very small children mostly on your own?

Keeping up with a weekly hobby or a voluntary job after having children is not fundamentally selfish, but it does need to be balanced with the needs of everyone in the family.

What’s his reaction if you want to go out and do something for yourself? Did you go back to work or are you will the children all the time? The way you’re feeling might just be down to the normal stresses of caring for young children and it will naturally get better given time, or maybe you really do have a selfish husband making things harder than they need to be. It’s hard to tell.

contactus · 10/12/2023 07:12

are you doing a santa’s grotto?

how often does he do the night shift?

acpk55 · 10/12/2023 07:50

volunteering to help out the emergency services is the absolute opposite of being a selfish person.
what free time do you get ? . Is that the real issue ?

wite · 10/12/2023 08:11

acpk55 · 10/12/2023 07:50

volunteering to help out the emergency services is the absolute opposite of being a selfish person.
what free time do you get ? . Is that the real issue ?

That's what I thought

MsChatterbox · 10/12/2023 08:15

wite · 10/12/2023 08:11

That's what I thought

Show quote history

Thought I was going mad reading the comments!! I wouldn't even second guess my husband catching up on sleep after doing this. I think the issue is if he doesn't then step up once he's caught up to allow you to have a turn to have a break.

Unabletomitigate · 10/12/2023 08:43

Of course its selfish! His priorty should be his young family. But he wants to volunteer at the emergency services, so he does. He prioritises what he wants to do. That its volunteering and a good thing is irrelevant. He can pause it till the kids sleep thorugh, or reduce it.

Soontobe60 · 10/12/2023 08:49

He’s chosen to take on this role, you can choose to leave the kids with him whilst you walk the dog. What’s the santas grotto thing though?

NefertitHR · 03/03/2024 21:03

Unabletomitigate · 10/12/2023 08:43

Of course its selfish! His priorty should be his young family. But he wants to volunteer at the emergency services, so he does. He prioritises what he wants to do. That its volunteering and a good thing is irrelevant. He can pause it till the kids sleep thorugh, or reduce it.

Agreed. He's seeking external validation about being a wonderful person for volunteering and will turn it on the OP if she questions it.
He should be focusing his efforts on his young family.

Oldmummy69 · 04/03/2024 08:32

Why do you say you need to deal with it without conflict? This may not be possible. Conflict is very important and you shouldn’t avoid it. If you don’t have a row about it how will he know you really care about it? Women find conflict scary but men are used to it and even if he shouts back it won’t be terminal. You will need to be very direct and ask for what you want.

Original poster
J0DI3 · 04/03/2024 12:01

This post is no longer relevant… to those who believed I was wrong to be annoyed at the amount my husband was volunteering for the emergency services, well I was not wrong to be upset at his lack of attention to our family because he was having an affair with another volunteer. I’m now a single parent and getting divorced.

OP posts:
Limth · 04/03/2024 12:10

I'm so sorry, OP.

MsRosley · 04/03/2024 12:45

I hope those posters who scolded you have the decency to apologise. I'm very sorry to hear you're dealing with this, OP. I hope you have support.

FrenchandSaunders · 04/03/2024 14:20

oh what a sad update. Piece of shit, you're better off without him. Just hope he steps up having the kids and giving you a break now.

rockstarshoes · 04/03/2024 17:28

I'm so sorry! That's so sad 💐

Is he stepping up now & taking the kids for a couple of days or as I suspect is it all still falling to you?

mathanxiety · 04/03/2024 18:27

That's both a sad and hopeful update.

Wishing you well in your next chapter. You may find yourself feeling a lot better about your life when it's just you managing it without having your energy and attention sucked away by a man who is making you unhappy.

Doubledenim305 · 09/03/2026 18:49

J0DI3 · 04/03/2024 12:01

This post is no longer relevant… to those who believed I was wrong to be annoyed at the amount my husband was volunteering for the emergency services, well I was not wrong to be upset at his lack of attention to our family because he was having an affair with another volunteer. I’m now a single parent and getting divorced.

I'm so sorry for the pain he has inflicted on you.

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