Is this emotional abuse or AIBU

[NC457]

Me (31F) and my partner (31M) have a 4 month old son, our first child. Since our son was born, a few weeks after, my partner became much quicker to anger, quite snappy, refusing to help in the nights etc, insulting me on occasion. I saw him writing some pretty horrible messages about me one night when he was drunk, calling me a weak person etc, and saying he wished he was single. I confronted him about his behaviour and how I felt I was walking on eggshells around him constantly, and things improved.

Today was a great day too, lots of fun had, no arguments, and then he got way too drunk (full bottle of spirit) and was quite grumpy with me on the walk home from our friends house. I asked him to sleep on the sofa - our baby just had surgery and is in a lot of pain with teething and when he wakes in the night he likes to come into the bed and cosleep - I don't think it is safe to cosleep with someone intoxicated in the bed too. He refused point blank (we have a 1 bed house) and so I said maybe it would be better if I slept at the flat I own (a 5 min drive away). He'd get a break and the baby would get a good night's sleep which he really needed. At first he said fine, and I made sure he knew that we would be back first thing and I would keep in touch. As I was packing up the bag he started swearing at me, calling me names, and threatening to phone the police and report me for drink driving if I left. I had one glass of wine at 7pm (3 hrs earlier) and was not over the limit. A friend of mine knew what was going on and told his best friend, who messaged and offered me a lift to save any drama. I accepted but my partner reacted incredibly badly to this and is now threatening to break up, saying we can't make it work, and calling me a liar, that I'm turning his friends against him and saying he only said he would call the police because I threatened that first. I did NOT threaten to call the police. I would never do that - he's insisting that I did and making me second guess everything. I feel miserable that this is happening just a few days after the baby had surgery. More of a rant I guess but I'm wondering if you think I'm being unreasonable, I'm being made to feel like all of this is my fault.

You are not being unreasonable. Sounds like he has a problem with alcohol and you are best off away from him until he sorts it out.

This. You are quite right to keep him away from your baby. Drinking that much and being around a baby is a safeguarding issue. Not to mention the emotional abuse he’s giving you. Stay away from him. 💐

You have your own flat. Stay there with your baby and don't go back to that abusive drunken pig.

He sounds unhinged. Why would you want to raise a child with someone who thinks the mother of his son is weak and who he’d rather not be in a relationship with?
Don’t waste time, cut your losses and move on happily with your child.

I feel for you as you must be under a lot of stress and emotional pain over this . I think your feelings are valid. You sound reasonable to me. However I can kind of see how this might have escalated as I understand that your partners perspective may be feeling undermined and upset at having friends involved, but he has already done far worse by saying nasty things about you behind your back on an earlier occasion you mentioned which is concerning . As you know is not possible to reason with someone who is drunk and/or someone who is gaslighting you. I think you need to try and have clear communication with your partner when he is sober and express your needs and the need for his support to prioritise his family unit especially as you have a baby who is recovering from surgery.

Victim blaming

The friend of his that knew what was going on, did you call them because you were scared or nervous? If so you know it's abuse.

Your child needs to be resting and recovering. Not being moved around late at night because their father is a walker and abusive.

Please move back to your flat with your baby, permanently. You have been through so much and your baby has been through so much. This is not the environment for the baby to be recovering or to be raised in.

Whatever you do, don't give up your flat.

Abuse often ramps up in pregnancy or once you have children together. Presumably because they think you're less able to leave.

Agree. Abuse often ramps up in pregnancy and it sounds as though he is escalating. If your baby has just had an operation and this is how he reacts you should get out now. Counselling may help but he has a problem. Don't let it damage you and your baby.