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Relationships

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Original poster

Bf staying out til 1am/2am

24 replies

Meaning74 · 10/12/2023 01:21

Bf plays a sport every fortnight and maybe once a month will go out with people after and stay out until 1/2am. We don’t have kids but are in our 30s. Starting to find it a bit annoying. I end up worrying about him. Am I being controlling?

OP posts:

ACynicalDad · 10/12/2023 01:23

Yes

shivawn · 10/12/2023 01:24

Hmm going out with a sports team once a month sounds very reasonable, especially with no kids at home. Is there a reason you're worried?

DancingintheSpoonlight · 10/12/2023 01:24

I dunno if it’s controlling but also you’re allowed to feel how you feel.

My DP is currently out but the expectations were discussed early of “I probably won’t be back until the arse crack of morning” with “okay babe- have fun and be safe. Let me know you’re ok”

ChristmasTreeStar · 10/12/2023 01:25

what is it that makes you worry about him?

Original poster

Meaning74 · 10/12/2023 01:26

That’s fair! Guess I’m just a bit sad it eats into the weekend. But all ok

OP posts:

thedamnseason · 10/12/2023 01:37

Once a month is fine. Do you never go out with your friends?

TedMullins · 10/12/2023 02:07

YABU, he’s allowed a life outside the relationship

Roundtable83 · 10/12/2023 02:21

Unless he has displayed behaviour in the past that warrants you ‘worrying about him’ then yes, you are being controlling. He’s an adult, presumably of sound mind and capable of making sensible decisions, so what’s to worry about?

MonsteraMama · 10/12/2023 02:26

I've been with my husband for 17 years and will still go on a night out that ends in the wee hours every once in a while.

A social life outside your relationship is a good thing. If you had a newborn at home I'd agree now is not the time, but with no kids and only in your 30's I really don't see the issue with the odd night out.

What exactly are you worried about?

Weekenders · 10/12/2023 14:23

A handy rule of thumb is to flip the situation and imagine what the response would be on here.

Completely unreasonable, but the fact you feel that way suggests you'd benefit from more interests/social life yourself. I'd have a look at that.

SuitYouSir · 10/12/2023 14:24

His habits sounds fine and healthy. Once a month and it’s not even that late to stay out! You’re both still young.

Use that evening to do things that you enjoy.

SamW98 · 10/12/2023 14:31

YABU - separate lives and interests are essential to me. Do you go out with your friends?

MissBuffyAnneSummers · 10/12/2023 14:32

Yes controlling. An adult doesn't need a curfew.

ChristmasLights23 · 10/12/2023 14:34

I think a night out once a month is perfectly normal.

Prettyinred · 10/12/2023 14:56

This is crazy. I love when my husband goes out so I have the weekend to myself.
he plays football every Saturday and sometimes Sunday which is good for him and his mental health
I also encourage him to go out with his friends and enjoy himself as it’s important for men to socialise for their health.
I feel sorry for your boyfriend

Pinkbonbon · 10/12/2023 15:11

Well it's not controlling unless you're telling him he can't go.

But these feelings aren't ideal.

I mean it sounds like he's with you 5 days out of 8 weekend wise per month. Which seems fair. He has a right to hobbies and friends.

Do you live together?

You say you worry about him...do you mean you worry about him being unfaithful?

Bobbotgegrinch · 10/12/2023 15:55

Pinkbonbon · 10/12/2023 15:11

Well it's not controlling unless you're telling him he can't go.

But these feelings aren't ideal.

I mean it sounds like he's with you 5 days out of 8 weekend wise per month. Which seems fair. He has a right to hobbies and friends.

Do you live together?

You say you worry about him...do you mean you worry about him being unfaithful?

She doesn't need to be actively saying the words. It's still controlling if she gets the hump all day next day just because DP dared to stay out till 1. I.e. behaviour designed to punish him

(Not that I'm saying OP is doing this, this is purely a hypothetical)

jelly79 · 10/12/2023 15:55

It's perfectly healthy that you have time to enjoy friends separately! I love being home alone

I'd understand the frustration of he was fit for nothing afterwards all the time though

OhComeOnFFS · 10/12/2023 15:56

It's perfectly fine for you not to want this in a partner. Don't settle for someone who you're not completely happy with, OP.

Jinglingallthewaytochristmas · 10/12/2023 15:57

Why the worry? Unless he’s in danger of his carriage turning back into a pumpkin

SecondUsername4me · 10/12/2023 15:59

I'd be really pissed off if dh judged me for a monthly late night out with friends, and we have kids.

Do you not do stuff with your own friends? It isn't his fault if its just your anxiety making you feel like this.

TheSkyWasMadeOfAmethyst · 10/12/2023 16:04

Gosh, DH and I are 40's (he's nearly 50) and we have primary aged DC and both have the odd late night out either together or separately. He rolled in at 2am this morning. If it was every weekend, or he didn't let me know it could be a late one and was uncontactable, that would be a problem. But enjoying a drink, a laugh and maybe a dance with friends is completely normal for many people!

category12 · 10/12/2023 16:10

1/2am not an unreasonable time to come home after a night out. If he wasn't coming home all night or way after pubs & clubs have shut, then it'd be a bit of a worry what he was up to, but this sort of time is perfectly normal.

If he's too hung over/tired to do much the day after, that's a bit crap - but it's once a month. Instead of letting it spoil your weekend, arrange to do something with a friend or family, or do a class or hobby, while he's sleeping it off.

What are you doing on his nights out? Maybe you'd feel less fretful and resentful about it if you were also going out or doing something fun.

ComtesseDeSpair · 10/12/2023 16:10

He’s presumably been doing this for most of his adult life, and knows how to get himself home. Unless he also has a regular habit of falling asleep on public benches or losing his keys and wallet, being worried about him is an issue for you to resolve with yourself, not for him to change his behaviour for.

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