Daughters dad and my partner

[Summerberry22]

So I have a 1 year old daughter with my partner and I have a 3yr old daughter with somebody else and that somebody else hasn’t bothered with my daughter for a long long time for 2 years maybe and have been saying he’s been wanting to see her since April but hasn’t been communicating well . He’s now messaged again saying he’s got Christmas presents for her and needs to make an effort to be in her life and is serious about meeting her next week . However whenever I do agree to him meeting his daughter my partner is never actually really happy with it . My partner goes off with me a lot of the times when I do agree with this and I don’t really know what to do , he’s said to me in the past that I’m so chilled out with it as he doesn’t really care about my daughter as he would have seen her ages ago etc and then it’s I still have feelings for him when I do not so don’t really know what to do right now

Your current partner should not be interfering with your daughter and her fathers relationship. So long as you are happy to facilitate him seeing her, your partner needs to stay out of it. His jealousy issues should not prevent your daughter from having a relationship with her father. Now whether her father makes the effort and maintains a relationship with your daughter is a separate issue altogether.

Has your current partner form for controlling, jealous or shaming behaviour?

Tbf your ex is a waste of oxygen who probably doesn't deserve to be in your daughters life as it seems he'll vanish as easy as he appears. And when she's older it'll really hurt her if he does that.

But the pressing issue is arguably your current partner tbh.

All I have been in is toxic relationships really to be honest and growing up hasn’t been the best but I have been told by a family member he does seem a bit controlling in some ways before and does seem jealous of quite a lot . Yeah I dont want my daughter being hurt growing up really as my current partner has been there for her since she was 8months old without her father being there but because him saying he needs to start being involved in her life don’t know if its a good thing or so I just asked him what day . My partner doesn’t want our youngest daughter around him so I’ve said to him I don’t know what to do as you’ll be at work next Thursday and I’ll have her with me so don’t know what to do and he’s just went quiet on me

I think he's within his rights to say he doesn't want this man around his daughter.
Just tell your ex that day doesn't work for you. He doesn't get to dictate things when he hasn't seen her for years.

Have you considered being single might be preferable to having controlling men in your life? Jealousy is not really OK in a partner. And in men it's straight up dangerous.

Re. your daughters father: Children need consistency, he can't just drop in and out of her life as he wants. If he is going to commit to seeing her then it should be on a regular basis. Consistently once a month is better than sporadic times whenever he feels like it. She will feel let down as she gets older and also he will be modelling terrible behaviour to her (fathers / men are unreliable). It sounds as if you will have to tell him what you expect here for your daughters sake. Protect her interests above all.

Re your current partner, Useruser1212 is right. He shouldn't be interfering with your daughters relationship with her father and creating a headache for you. As a partner he should recognise the difficult position you are in and be supportive to you and your daughter.

I am sorry you are experiencing these relationship problems, is there someone you know in a healthy stable relationship so that good standards can be modelled to you? It sounds as if you are unclear on what you should expect in a normal partnership and need to set some clear boundaries and rules to the men in your life.

Contact centre is usually advised with an inconsistent father with a history of domestic abuse and the mother having to prove she can safe guard. The current partner is reasonable under this circumstance. Both of the dc's emotional and physical safety should come before any of the adults needs.