Concerned about DH's attitude and gender bias

[TheJstandsforJoy]

I never thought I'd say this but I felt disgusted with DH today. Nothing he has done but his attitude.

One of his best friends was over and we were casually chatting. At some stage his friend brought up a topic/ woman whose name didn't ring any bells, and they were laughing and joking. I didn't pay too much attention at first because these 2 have been friends for over 20 years and there are plenty of in-jokes at times and half of the time I have no idea what they are talking about. I did pay attention when I hear DH's friend say "Looking back this really wasn't OK" which DH shrugged off. I did ask for context then and DH just said that both of them had this "very attractive" (female) maths tutor who was a bit weird.

DH clearly didn't want to elaborate which made me suspicious. His friend was more forthcoming and DH did also elaborated then and I am quite digusted. Both of them described very inappropriate behaviour from this woman, which I would even describe as predatory. I am by no means judging DH and his friend here, but her. DH did upset me though when said that he didn't consider it bad or inappropriate and I asked him if he'd feel the same if someone acted like this with one of our DCs. He said he would not be ok with this if someone did the same to our DD, but he didn't think our DS would mind because he didn't. I got livid at his double standard then, because clearly both DCs deserve the same level of protection as each other. He got angry too, and told me to stay out of his business (?) and decided that he'd go out with his friend. To be fair his friend was uncomfortable with the whole situation and he had been the one who said that it hadn't been right in the first place.

Right now I am wondering if DH just reacted badly in the heat of the moment or if he really has very poor judgement and a double standard when it comes to our DCs. He isn't home yet and I'm bracing myself for a fight or sulking when he comes home.

Just one thought is that if he agrees that it was inappropriate then he also has to acknowledge that he was wrong coloured/ taken advantage of/ abused in some way. That’s not very easy - it might be that it’s more comfortable for him to stay in denial about that. I’d be a bit careful with him I think.

Wrong coloured = exploited.

If the female math tutor was inappropriate with your DH, he probably some time ago formulated a version of the story which protects his self-esteem. He clearly does not want to see himself as "prey" and the tutor as "predator." That wouldmake him see himself as weak, a victim. Hence his lashing out when you challenged his version of events.

It would also explain the "my business" bit. His business, or rather his trauma, and way of coping indeed.

I would honestly let this go. There is no reason to project his lived experience to a theoretical situation with your DCS which may never occur.

Ok thank you, I appreciate this

So you interrupted a conversation between DH and his friend, insisted on putting your own interpretation on the events that happened to them and have nothing to do with you and then made the whole scenario about you and your children.

Jesus, what some people put up with in relationships. If that wasn't bad enough, you want to know if HE has a problem. I think you have a very serious problem - a total lack of respect. Your behaviour is awful.

With all due respect. I didn't interrupt the conversation and it was DH's friend who brought up that it had been inappropriate when he said that it hadn't been ok.