DH told me something last night that made me realise how lucky we are and that I should stop feeling antsy about my marriage.

[OrmIrian]

He had a drink with some mates on Wed evening after the gym. One of them is same age as me (43) but his birthday had been earlier that week. He told DH that it was the first time he had had no cards from women (apart from his mum). He's played the field to spectacular effect over the years and had only one significant relationship. Now his field-playing days appear to be over and there is no-one in his life. And what seemed to upset him more, no children. All of DH's other friends are with someone and have children. It's finally struck him that he's on his own. Of course there's still time but unless he meets someone much younger presumably children are unlikely.

It made me feel very fortunate.

And smug?

no cards from women? what does that mean?

i don't get this post at all. am i being thick?

Ah but he must have had quite a good time getting to 43 without any baggage?

Your post makes sense to me. It makes me think about all those poor women who want kids but get caught up with men like this who won't commit. Then they have to read articles about "women thinking they can have a career and delay having kids till they're 40" when in fact it is mainly feckless infuriating men who don't have a biological clock to worry about.

I don't think realising how lucky you are is at all smug.

Why were you feeling antsy though?

I thought it was quite simple.

I was commenting on the fact that a man approaching middle age has realised that he has an empty life. No kids, no partner. And he's sad about it. No big deal . In my current state of mind it was quite salutary.

He's not exactly one foot in the grave at 43 though is he? He could still have all that surely?

He did indeed charlie. In fact I suspect DH might have been more than a little envious

I am feeling antsy because I think I am having my own mid-life crisis snowleopard. Wondering if I might not be better without the baggage. Baggage being DH not the DCs of course. I'll get over it.

He did indeed charlie. In fact I suspect DH might have been more than a little envious

I am feeling antsy because I think I am having my own mid-life crisis snowleopard. Wondering if I might not be better without the baggage. Baggage being DH not the DCs of course. I'll get over it.

I know more than one man very like that, but in their case they haven't yet had the unpleasant realisation. One of them I'm sure still has not realised he is not 19. He talks blithely about how he would like his life to be when he's 50 and all that he will have achieved. He looked v. alarmed once when DP pointed out exactly how soon 50 would be.

Have you seen Juno? He's like the husband out of that.

No. Haven't seen it snowleopard.

tsarchasm - he probably could. But all of his peers are already at that point.

Orm, do you think the friend's realisation might have made your DH himself think/reassess too? Might make him appreciate you more (though admittedly I don't know the details of why he might be excess baggage).

I doubt it. DH doesn't do self-examination Actually all my issues are about me, DH hasn't really changed. Just something I need to work through.

Am still trying to grasp how expressing sympathy for someone's situation is being smug

Isn't mn a wonderful and diverse place.

One of my dearest friends has just got married at the age of 43. I have never seen a couple so absurdly happy as he and his bride were on their wedding day. He took his time about settling down, but it was worth waiting for 'the one'. Some of us are lucky to find our soulmate earlier, but even in your forties, the thunderbolt can still strike!

I'd agree OrmIrian. I know someone a little like this and it is sad, if they suddenly realise they want something they haven't got.

Having said that, without even thinking about it I could put any reasonable 43-year-old man who may want a LTR in touch with 5 fabulous single women who have loads going for them and who would all like a family, without even thinking very hard. So I wouldn't feel THAT sympathetic.

Very funny interview with Irvine Welsh recently. He was talking with friends about how he fancied older women. And realised that when he thought about older women, he pictured someone aged about 36. He's just turned 50

I guess it made you realise you have all the things that people assume really matter. I have mates who are late 20's, approaching 30 (girls) and they don't have long term boyfriends, still live at home with their Mum & Dad, have loads of spare cash, go out whenever they want & go travelling etc. I've always been jealous of them, but they confess they are jealous of me, having a 'proper' realtionship, my own house, a baby, a 'proper' job. One is even jealous I get to do my own food shopping - WTF! I'm jealous her Mum does her handwashing! I thought what a joke! no way! But I've recently found out at least one of them is really quite taking it to heart about what I have and she doesn't. Of course I love my DD & DP & appreciate my life, but doesn't stop me wondering about how life could have been had I made different decisions. Everyone wants what they don't have! Even if it doesn't make sense!

i think ormirian is spot on - if only more single men would read this site they would learn something!!

i think the point is that many women think about settling down before they are 43 because they know that choices will start to reduce - and many men just dont think like that (not all, but i can think of 3 off the top of my head).

i dont think ormirian was being smug - just observing and passing on someones newfound wisdom

sorry but slight LOl at the thought of ageing single men perusing Mumsnet of an evening. Hello lads - check out the feeding threads - suddenly, heading for that nightclub and perving over the lasses doesn't seem so bad, does it?

DH was 45 when we met and 49 when we had dd.

Seen your posts on similar subject before Ormirian.

I think if you feel that your relationship is better than being alone at 43 that's very heartening news. If being with someone is just so wrong that you'd rather be alone, that's when the relationship is really in trouble!

In spite of the story of the smitten lovers at 43, I think that relatinships require a lot of compromise and not that much starry-eyed loving, especially when kds are involved. (Just my twopennworth...)

And I also think that it's much more likely that one would find a similar kind of relationship, or be alone, than find 'the one' - let alone 'the one' who would be great with your kids...

"I think that relatinships require a lot of compromise and not that much starry-eyed loving, especially when kds are involved."

Ain't that the truth

I know a couple, newly married, the female half of whom is 43 and her DH is 53. And yes they are deeply in love. But I know that there is no way (if they didn't already have a football team between them) they would be willing to start having babies. I know that doors don't slam shut at 43 but from my own experience and the way I feel, it would be really daunting to start building a relationship and a family from scratch. But that's just me.

And may I just say a big thankyou to all of you who understand my odd but totally un-smug musings in the spirit they were intended

Yep. compromise and a mature realisation that you just cannot have it all.