Does everyone find dating someone new crazy making?

[Singlemumdating]

So, been on 6 dates with someone, started sleeping together on date 4. We are both quite shy, although not in the bedroom, the sex is like being a late teen again!
After the first 3 dates he started texting a lot more but don't get the good morning and good night texts (I used to get these without fail from my last boyfriend and found it kind of comforting? But on the flip side it became a bit of a chore for us both so I'm not sure I really want it.)
I struggle with not hearing from him as often as I would like. If he's out doing something (last night he said he was at a friends house) he doesn't check in at all, even though I had replied to an earlier message from him with a question...he didn't message back til the morning....but he had messaged several times that day.
I'm reading into it all the time, doing my own head in! Now I'm wondering if I'm the only person he's seeing. I wasn't bothered until we started sleeping together.
Am I the only one that gets like this once sex is involved?
What can I do to stay cool?

“Am I the only one that gets like this once sex is involved?”

It’s less to do with sex and more to do with you starting to like him. From that stance, it’s normal to want to hear from someone and get a little fizz when you do and feel a bit deflated when you don’t. What you’ve described sounds quite needy though – although I think you realise this isn’t healthy and that’s why you’ve posted on here.

“What can I do to stay cool?”

Stop overthinking reasons why he hasn’t when it’s obvious why (he was out with friends). Constant messaging isn’t sustainable. Do hobbies. Meet your own friends. Work on your phone addiction. Live your own life so you’re not sitting around waiting for him to reply to messages. Figure out why you need the constant attention and why you get anxious if you don’t get it.

I agree with what @DatingDinosaur says if you start to like him more then you get like this more I find.

With my current boyfriend basically from the start we haven’t done the texting first thing and last thing table tennis texting and to be honest, it’s refreshing, it feels more real. We do text, ring each other but it’s not the intense level I’ve had in previous relationships which as most people know dies down after a while. I mean we’re not intense anyway (could be a good or bad thing) but at least I’m not reading things into his texts and panicking if he’s not texted me! Overthinking and constant attention kills relationships I find!

Also I’m from the generation (80s) where we didn’t have mobile phones so if someone didn’t ring the house phone or call round in person then you had that panic of course, and yes some of us sat by the phone/front door, but it wasn’t a constant check your phone thing!

Personally i think it’s normal if he’s doing stuff with mates not to text you. I’d rather someone with their own life who wasn’t dependent on a gf.

And possibly the fact the relationship is now sexual makes it feel more real and intimate and subconsciously you’re panicking a bit.

Take.a breath, enjoy the time you have together and don’t second guess what he’s doing and why he’s not messaged.

I'm from the generation before mobiles when calls were expensive, I don't understand frequently texting! Once a day call is fine

Thanks guys, I know everything you're saying is right. I dont want to be like this. I think I have always been quite needy in relationships, I try my best to hide it.
If I like someone I think about them a lot throughout the day, when I'm not with them. I just end up thinking if he's not messaging he must not be thinking of me, which is ridiculous I know.
One of the reasons I like this guy is that he's not glued to his phone and when we are together we have eachothers undivided attention.
I do have a life of my own, kids, family and a couple of friends, but when I am first dating someone I get like this. I was the same with my ex husband until we settled with kids and I felt like he was there to stay. Sounds like abandonment issues but I dont know where that came from, nothing in my childhood.

“I try my best to hide it.”

Instead of trying to hide it, could you try your best to not be like it instead?

“If I like someone I think about them a lot throughout the day”

That’s normal.

I think after a few more dates you can start to express your needs and preferences like saying I like getting little texts from you even if it's just a quick one it makes me smile
When you check in with me, if you don't reply for a day I feel a little worried that something's up. Just drop
That into conversation casually and sweetly - if he's a nice guy he'll text you more as he'll want you to be happy.

It's not crazy to not enjoy being ignored for a day - that's impolite in this day and age and I would expect him to want to reassure you he wasn't ghosting

😆 I obviously try not to be like it first but when that fails I hide it.
I try my best to reason with myself. He does text more since we have become more intimate, we send multiple texts every day back and forth, just not when he is out and about. Where as I think if he text me and there was a question in the text, and I was out and about, I would try to find a spare minute to reply....he will not reply until next day if he's out with friends.

I think he's in the right though not to text when he's out with his friends, when you're only 6 weeks in especially. He's respecting his time with them and that's good, and he has a healthy level of attachment for this length of relationship. Just breathe!

I wouldn't worry so much if he carries on messaging the next day, like he is. The only thing that jumps out is you are worried if he's seeing others, if you're sleeping together then haven't you had the chat about being exclusive? If you have then you have to try and trust him, if not then you need to find out when his intentions are.

We haven't had that chat 🙈 probably should. I hate the thought he could be sleeping with someone else as well as me. He has never given me any reason to think so, I'm just cautious, as we haven't known eachother long.
Since I invited him round and we slept together, the following dates have been the same, because we are both really enjoying it....but it's making me paranoid that's all it is, sex.

OP, I think I understand where you're coming from. I think if someone is texting you a few times in the day, while I wouldn't expect him to send a message when he's actually with his friends I sort of would think a "good night" type message isn't too much to ask for.
I don't think it's about being cool, you're 6 weeks in and there's an intensity to that. I would see how things go, but the start of relationships are exciting but also a head fuck.

I would find this really controlling

Yes, I do. I really struggle with the uncertainty of early stages of relationships. I'm ND and I really like clarity and straightforwardness, and that often comes across to men as pushy or desperate, when really I'm just trying to establish what the situation is.

I think it's even more stressful since it became acceptable for things not to be exclusive until you had "the talk" - so now you're either stuck in a weird limbo not knowing what's happening, or you look really pushy by asking if you're a couple. I found a lot of men seem to go really weird and get an ego when you ask if you're exclusive, when I wouldn't even be too bothered if they said no. It's the not knowing where I stand that kills me!

I do think it's just different texting styles and we need to meet in the middle, which I think we already have. I dont want to ask for more and it to become a chore for either of us.
@Livelifelaughter that's all it would take, a little goodnight text, I would feel fine. But I think that's more on me than him, it's my insecurities wanting that.
I need to just ride it out until I feel more emotionally safe with him.

Sounds like the next date ought to include going out for drinks or a film or something, before the shagging.

Shag fests are great but obviously if you're feeling like this, it's not making you feel you're building the relationship quite right.

So actually go on a date next time. Build some anticipation for bedtime.

Don’t beat yourself up for your needing certain things. I think after six dates and some shagging it’s time for some relationship admin, that awkward and boring what are we doing and where is this going type conversation.

I’m one to talk (I have come a cropper over flirting more than once) but I don’t think it’s needy to need clarity. Once you know where you both stand, if you can develop an appropriate degree of trust, then you can crack on.

@whimsicalmoon that's the thing, it's early on and I'm not even sure how I feel about him yet but I'm so focused on the unknown status of our relationship. Doesn't feel right to even call it a relationship at this early stage 🙈 but we are sleeping together, that's pretty intimate! I think because it progressed quite fast from a kiss on one date to sex on the next date, it feels rushed to me.