This is a long one, thank you for reading!
I have a gorgeous child who is 9 months old, they stay with me full time and see their dad regularly. Me and my ex partner fell pregnant after only a few months of seeing one another but have known each other since we were younger.
I’m 4 years older than him, at the beginning of my pregnancy I found flirty messages to girls on his phone and felt so betrayed! I felt an incredible amount of pressure in my pregnancy from his side of the family as they kept saying it better be a boy as they already had girls in the family. I originally had a great relationship with his family especially his sister.
Between the 6th & 8th month of pregnancy I found myself not feeling like me, intrusive thoughts etc I asked my partner for a night or two by myself in the 8th month to gather my thoughts, I asked him to come home and explained the suicidal thoughts I was having and he refused to come home stating if he did that’s me walking all over him. When my baby was 4 weeks old he left us because he had deleted messages to a girl he had previously slept with, I asked him if he could stop messaging these girls as it’s disrespectful and he told me he wanted to be able to message whoever he wanted as I would be controlling him if I didn’t allow him.
He left again when my baby was 16 weeks old this time because he said he was moaned at too much for things like not helping round the house, or supporting me. I shouted at him that he was a shit dad! He’s never done a night feed, and I would constantly find that I was his mother/maid. He did do his fair share of cooking, but would then leave the mess for me, he felt that because he worked, his role as a dad stopped when he got home. This caused a massive argument when he came home from work one evening and I asked him to watch our child for a couple of hours so I could nip out and get some bits, I was unable to leave the house on the days he worked as he didn’t want me to leave our dog by himself, he worked 4 on 4 off. This resulted in him comparing me to other mums he knew and saying that I was a rubbish mum.
The next time he left the baby was 20 weeks old and this was because he wanted to buy himself new clothes - he was on half pay, had already borrowed money from his dad and from myself. I told him that it was a luxury at this point and to wait on his full pay the next month, he hadn’t paid me any money for living in my home for the last year or paid anything towards his child, hadn’t so much as bought him a bib. This caused him to smash his phone off the floor, become quite aggressive and shout/call me names, this frightened me. He told me I was controlling him.
We moved in to a new home & it cost thousands of pounds to decorate it which he didn’t contribute a single penny to. I paid for a £1800 holiday for us to go on & felt like he didn’t appreciate it once bit.
I felt alone most evenings as all he done was sit in his phone with his AirPods in & listen to podcasts.
I have felt since the time he left at 20 weeks his sister and mother have constantly made me feel like an inadequate mum, even though they are lovely to my face & texted me often they would comment on what I feed my child, where he sleeps etc, and during an argument my ex told me that they think I’m a nutter, never happy etc. But I feel like I was constantly biting my tongue, letting my boundaries slip for the sake of my family, eg to avoid arguments I wouldn’t ask him to watch our child for me to get a break/sleep or for me to go out alone. His sisters children come from a one parent household and she uses this as an excuse as to why they are disrespectful/undisciplined, this had came up in conversation between me and my ex daily for around two weeks because of their behaviour.
In that same two weeks my mental health took a major dip, I told my ex that I felt horrendously low and that I actually hated myself, felt worthless etc. On top of that I wasn’t getting any sleep as my child was waking up 10/12 times a night.
My birthday night out came around and I did not want to go, that morning I even said to my ex I wasn’t feeling it. I knew inside something was going to go wrong. It resulted in me getting black out drunk - I rarely drink & I don’t remember anything passed 8pm, but apparently I pushed his sister a few times & insulted her parenting. When I came home my ex was furious which resulted in me hitting him, now because I don’t remember, him and his families story has changed it went from pushed his face away, to scratched, to slap, to punch. They are now using terms like assault and attack - which I suppose technically it is. I don’t remember if he even pushed me back. I have never been violent towards him in my life.
Anyway he left that night and it was all over. This was around two months ago, and we were getting on fine until I mentioned things like maintenance payments, support I needed from him etc. I found my MH severely taking a beating. I found myself becoming literally delusional, I made a fake Snapchat using his name (wtf) I didn’t have any intention of doing anything malicious on it I think it was just an excuse to get his attention and I deleted it within seconds but he knew because I synced my contacts so since then he has blocked me and we don’t speak at all. His family are compulsive liars - eg pretend they are in hospital when they are not. They are also insanely dramatic, but my ex is the apple of their eye.
So all of this - horrendous, inexcusable, vile behaviour from myself has broken up my family.
I have been diagnosed with pp depression, that they think started in my pregnancy. When I tried to express feelings I was having in my pregnancy, my ex & his family used it against me. There have been occasions in which I have said they can’t see our child because of their behaviour, eg - his sister called me up and said I was a fat cow, skank, I leave my child crying in a corner, incapable of looking after him on my own etc. And his mum has gone to a mutual friends door to tell them how bad a person I am. I feel I’m being tormented. I have never followed through with it, they do see my child.
Him & his family are saying im a manipulator, controlling & a narcissist, and I can’t help feeling like maybe I am? Have I been over sensitive to their comments?
Was I the problem all along? Am I all those things? Have I caused everything?