Bad marriage, unhappy and living a lie. Help me to get through this.

[TinselHollyAndCandyCanes]

Angry shouty husband. I just don't want to be around it anymore.

It gets me down. 3 children. 2 are now adults. I dream of being on my own, but logistics (lack of money, housing- we have a large mortgage, kids, dog) make it seem impossible to leave.

I work term time on a low wage.

Help me to get through the next few weeks. We have a family get together this eve and he's so charming to others and it just feels like I'm so alone as no-one would probably believe me. My kids know he shouts a lot though.

I just need help to get through these next few weeks whilst we're in the house a lot together. I'm dreading it.

I like to go on walks so might try to do that as much as poss. Thanks all

Anyone please? Thank you

Short term .
Different rooms ie he watches tv so you go to kitchen or bedroom or leave the house for walks. Go to a supermarket and spend an extra half hour in car park reading a book or listening to the radio. Take longer baths. Start sorting out your wardrobe or cupboard just to be away.

Long term.
Start planning, either to stay or to leave. What do you want, then look to see how to achieve it.

But if you can't stand being near an aggressive loud man why do you assume your children are happy to be there too? Acceptance and happiness are not the same thing.

Thank you. Yes, I think it's getting to my youngest now too.

I guess I blame myself if I choose to split the family apart

It's been going on for years now. I've suggested counselling and he has just made excuses so no, he doesn't want to change

You're not splitting the family apart, he is. Being angry and shouty to your family is abusive, you need to understand this. You only have this one life and you deserve to be happy in it. Your youngest child would probably also be happier away from the shouting. Start planning and try to buoy yourself up through the difficult weeks ahead by working out how you can leave this unhappy marriage. Talk to someone who will understand and perhaps help. Try and make your wish a reality. From experience I promise you that the sense of relief when you finally make it out of an unhappy and abusive marriage is second to none.

I feel your pain. I'm going through something similar. You need to do some maths and research about how you would be financially should you pull the plug. This is where I come unstuck but your situation may be different.

You have given your best as a mother, now you need to live your life and be true to yourself or you will regret it in the future.

The winter is a tricky time to go through this. Make the most of the cold, crisp days and go out for walks to clear your head. Try to socialise at some point. Try not to drink too much, though it's tempting in December.

I wish you all the best and just remember you aren't alone

You are indeed not splitting this family apart, he has done this by his abuses of you and in turn your children.

Abuse is not a relationship problem. Abuse is about power and control and he wants absolute over you all. Counselling with abusive men is never recommended. This type of man would be completely unwilling to engage with the therapist and you are not emotionally safe enough to have any joint sessions with him.

You have a choice re this man, they do not. I would urge you to both contact Womens Aid when he is out and also seek legal advice re separation and divorce. Knowledge is power; seek knowledge and firm up plans to leave. Abuse like this thrives on secrecy, time to bust this secret wide open now. You have made a small but important step to get out by writing on here; would urge you also to keep making steps to get out and away from him.

Hey there,
if you are this unhappy, he probably is too. Maybe you should try and sit him down and talk it through.

Don't blame yourself. Your dc would probably be relieved, as they know the real him all too well. You wouldn't be splitting the family apart, there is no 'family' in the real sense of the word and that is his fault.

@TinselHollyAndCandyCanes

You need to divorce. No one should live their life in misery. You deserve to be happy and at peace.

As far as finances, see a solicitor. They're best placed to tell you what a divorce might mean for you financially. And also, you may need to accept that freedom may come with a 'down shift' in your standard of living. I don't mean you'll end up in a cardboard box in a crime-ridden slum, just that you may end up in a smaller house or a flat, that bedrooms and/or bathrooms may need to be shared. And you may have to move to a different neighbourhood. But freedom is so worth it. Living in peace and calm is so worth it.

Get your ducks in a row @TinselHollyAndCandyCanes (ie: do your financial research in how you'd manage if/when you separate and divorce this man. Even if you decide on a longer timeframe, at least you'd then know your options.

Look at:

• Your job. Can you increase your hours/income? Take a second job, depending on the age of your youngest child?
• are you eligible for any benefits you're not claiming? Universal credit? Child benefit? Check www.entitled to.co.uk
• what is the market value of your house? Get a rough estimate by checking prices for similar properties in your local area and/or speak to local estate agents (by phone if you don't want to physically visit their offices)
• do you have savings and can you add to them?
• do you have your own bank account?
• speak to Women's Aid, Citizens Advice or have an initial appointment with a solicitor
• Focus on what you want the future to be for yourself and youngest child

Good luck OP 🌹

Thank you all. Some things to consider.