Supporting sister through separation

[Discospacecherry]

I've supported my sister through a separation over the past 2 years. He moved out a few weeks ago so it's been a long process. He has been abusive (controlling, emotionally and financially).

They have 2 children in nursery and primary school who I adore. I don't have my own and me and my partner spend a lot of time with them all. I'm close to my sister like a best friend.

What I'm struggling with is because their children are obviously her priority she's doing stuff I think allows him to continue to control her and be abusive. Such as Christmas activities as the kids won't do them with just him(says a lot!) but then he's unpleasant / abusive. Or the demand on her time / involment is due to control or emotional blackmail.

I understand she is doing it so they see their dad and if she didn't he'd act like she was preventing contact. But it's so hard for me to see her facilitate this waste man still.

The support I've offered has definitely had an impact on my own mental health and I think felt a bit like things would be better when he moved out for her and us all. But it's just another set of shit. I don't want to judge her approach and it's not for me to decide what she does. But it's so hard to see this.

Any thoughts, advice or experiences of this type of thing? How do you negotiate seperation with somone who's been abusive? How do I support her while not agreeing with her approach and protect my own mental health?

I think you need to step back a bit. You sound really supportive but hes got a right to see his kids and thats up to your sister and him to sort

She's probably doing it for many reasons. Some that have motivated me since my abusive ex moved out. To protect my kids from their fathers behaviour. To minimise the damage done to them Because I don't want mu kids to miss out and I know he won't do these things otherwise. Because there's still that script in my head that I am to blame for everything and it's my responsibility to fix things.
Because I am scared. The fear created by abuse doesn't disappear when they move out. From experience I'd say it's unlikely she would have been able to do any healing while they were living under the same roof. My stbxh is angry I haven't done what I was told to do, which are actually not things I can do or things I can make happen, like we're on a waiting list for mediation. I know he's being unreasonable and I know I've done everything I can to expedite things, but because he's gotten angry that I haven't done what I was told to I'm feeling sick with anxiety and really shaky and trying not to break down and panic.

Having said that if things are too much for you, then you should take a step back. You can't pour from an empty cup and your mental health matters too. It's ok to step back or take a break from that role.