What do i do?

[xylene]

Been with someone 5 years. Got a 2 year old daughter. He works away alot. I have next to no support.
Its been really tough. Our relationship has suffered.
I have tried to talk to him so many times, time is limited due to him working away, time without the child around, and trying to spend some time together.
I really dont know what else to do to get us back on track.
He wont communicate with me properly and avoids saying anything when i try to talk to him.

Theres obviously a lot more i could write... i want to stay as a family of course . He never says what he wants for the future.

He tells me he says i boss him around. I don't. I have asked him to help more with chores and DIY.
He says he shouldn't have to ask permission to do stuff . Umm we have a child so whilst asking permission isnt right discussing what each other wants to do and coming to an agreement is correct.
He says he lives out of bags - i don't see how i can help that as he travels for a job .. i suggested je gets two sets of thjngs so he doesn't have to keep packing stuff.

Can anyone suggest how to move things forward?

What do you want for the future?

It sounds as though communication has broken down, and he seems to be taking an accusatory stance with the 'asking permission' and 'bossing around' remarks.

If he's not happy living out of a suitcase, it's up to him to look for a different job - that's not your fault. You've offered a good, practical suggestion - when I was travelling a lot I kept everything permanently packed (duplicate items) so it was only a case of taking clothes out to wash and replacing with fresh clothes.

You need to be blunt with the need to talk and if he won't engage, things aren't going to get any better.

I want us to get back to where they were pre child, however I am not stupid and realise this is impossible as things change but i can compromise.
I want us to iron out our differences and stay together as a family. I have told him this and All i get from h is if i didn't want to be here i wouldn't.

He's never been a communicator and we never had issues before, probably because we had our own independent lives and didnt need to discuss things.

My life has changed drastically having a child and I have given up a lot, including reducing hours, changing my job, lower pay etc. My figure has changed, my sleep is rubbish and i place my child first.

Being a parent is tough. Being a parent 90% on your own is tough.

If he wants to leave its ok, well its not but i will stand by his decision. Difficult not to read into a situation when hes not said much.

When you have a family you find a job that allows you to spend time with them. Otherwise you aren't doing it right.

He sounds completely unfeeling and uninterested in being either a partner or a parent.

Maybe cynical of me but I'd also be inclined to wonder if he's juggling another family somewhere else and telling them he works away a lot too.

Either way...he's committed to something else. And it's not you or your child.

I don't think you should let him be the one making all the choices op. He doesn't want to shape up....so you should probably ship him out.

Before you can change a relationship you need to see what either wants from it, then you can see the areas for compromise.

You want both of you sharing the chores, child rearing, cooking, finances. An equal partnership. A loving family unit.

He wants a single life with a maid doing the boring house stuff. To stop you from asking him to give up his single life he accuses you of nagging, bossiness, of being controlling. This is to shut you up.

Based on the above there is no compromise, not even with counselling. That only leaves you with accepting this is your crap life for the next twenty years or leaving. He won't change because he doesn't care enough. Sorry.

Just been through this myself with two young dc. Honestly after years and years of him being away most of the year and promising to stop, it turned out he was essentially living two lives. One as a single man away sleeping with numerous women and the life he had those few months a year with us playing the family man. We are no longer together and he hardly sees his kids but constantly talks about missing them. Hasn’t encouraged him to change anything and get a new job though.

Will his skill set allow him to change jobs easily? Will he be able to maintain an income that covers the mortgage? Is what you are asking practical in the short-term or will he need to retrain?

I had a bf pre-kids who wanted me to change jobs when I had a global role, because he wanted me to be in the UK more, but global roles pay very well and it would have been hard for me to cover all the bills etc if I had taken a step back. Doing a job like that is sometimes a fixed-term means to an end.

You & your partner have a child now but he clearly regards the child-rearing, care-giving role to be yours. If he won't change that, then really all you can do is make decisions that are best for you and your child.

I have considered maybe he has a second family.
But i think it is more living as a single man and a guest appearance at family life.
He doesnt have a global job that pulls in a massive salary, infact on a fukk time wage my salary is more than his , but apparently he is unable to do flexible hours and would need to change roles (like i did for part time). He could in my opinion change jobs and earn a similar amount and be at home all the time. I just think he doesnt want to as he would loose his flexibility.

All your thoughts and comments are helpful and things to think about - positive and negative and i thank you all in advance for your replies.

I need this and thank you all

Can you relocate nearer family? Sisters or mother.

You're pretty much a single parent already.

I wouldn't have any more children by him while things are like this: make sure your contraception is foolproof.

Good idea for relocation but i cant due to housing setup and finances and work etc.
i have told my mum today a bit of whats going on and shes going to tell me sister.

Yeh i don't want any more children. Already told him this. Surprisingly he does . I cant begin to imagine having two to look after in this scenario! But good advice.

Well of course he does - it would keep you busy, less time to think, and more stuck in the relationship.

And as you do all the parenting and run the household, he only needs to do the fun bits of dadding.

No downsides for him.