Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Trauma bond? Bit of a weird one

19 replies

whoknows1 · 08/12/2023 23:04

I have recently, nearly 3 months ago split up with someone I was with for 3 years.
I'm trying to heal and make sense of things.
He is a very clever man..taught me loads.
He was always so uptight, critical, nothing really was good enough or if it was it wasn't recognised or spoken by him.
He was emotionally cold,
He was negative about everything and anyone.
Very political, I agreed with his pov but he got so angry about the world and life, even people who were doing well. If they didn't work for it he was bitter.

Thought a few times maybe neurodiverse?
Here's the weird one...
When he was drunk, he was amazing.
So chilled out. So loving. He made me feel so safe, safe and loved like i
Never have before. Any criticism went away, and his empathy was top notch.
He was the perfect man after a drink.
But a twice weekly drink wasn't day to day life.
I felt like when he was drinking we had the most amazing times even if it was just a few times a week, I felt loved, listened to and cherished.
Then sober he was a completely different person.
I feel the highs and lows have maybe
caused some kind of trauma bond.
I love him but sober he was an awful negative person..he made me feel like i didn't matter in them times.
He really hurt my self esteem when he was critical but when he was drunk he made me feel adored and perfect.
I'm asking about a trauma bond as I don't feel he was abusive. I'm struggling to move on as I'm thinking about the good times. But it was good sometimes, but then it wasn't.

OP posts:
jellymaker · 08/12/2023 23:18

He is a narcissist. When sober, he is in full narcissistic mode. When drunk, his mask slips. Run for the hills. This does not make for a good life partner.

determinedtomakethiswork · 08/12/2023 23:21

I am so glad you have split up from this man. He sounds like he really tried to mess with your head.

Can you look into getting some therapy? I think it might take a little while to get over the man, but the less you have to do with him the better. I think you should block him everywhere and get rid of anything that reminds you of him.

Panaa · 08/12/2023 23:29

I'm asking about a trauma bond as I don't feel he was abusive

Yep sounds like a trauma bond from the hot and cold behaviour.
It doesn't matter if he was abusive or not, the effects/impacts are still the same.

Original poster
whoknows1 · 08/12/2023 23:30

You really think narcissist?
I've been with a narcissist before and it was nothing like this.
I've not blocked him, yet

OP posts:
Dotty87 · 08/12/2023 23:51

He's definitely letting his mask slip while sober, the pure fact that he's two different people depending on what he's had to drink would be enough to make me block him. You've already got rid, block him and move forward.

DatingDinosaur · 09/12/2023 02:07

Remember the "real him" is the sober one. The one who is uptight, critical, emotionally cold and negative.

If you want to stay with the "fake him" just buy him beer. Lots of beer. And make sure he drinks it whenever you see him.

Alternatively, recognise that you want to stay with the guy you wish he was. The nice, drunk guy. You're getting a glimpse of the type of guy you'd really like to have in your life. Sober Guy is not him and your self-preservation recognises that and is steering you away from him.

The trauma bond thing is because your emotions haven't recognised that he is, in effect, 2 different people.

workandwork · 09/12/2023 02:18

Whatever the reason, he's horrible to you 90% of the time and you are hooked on the fantasy that the 10% will progressively grow. It won't. Unless you start him on a vodka IV which probably wouldn't work out well long term either.

To be honest it's all in your own post so up to you want you wanna spend your life on.

wendyelliott · 09/12/2023 03:11

The worse they treat you the worse the trauma bond. Stay strong.

Panaa · 09/12/2023 03:13

It doesn't matter if he is a narcissist or not. You do know that he's toxic though.
You definitely need to block because toxic people nearly always come back.
You're 3 months down the line now so you don't want to go right back to the start again!

ElAmerico · 09/12/2023 03:29

I dont think narcissist i think the first few drinks you chill out but if you drink beyond a certain point you get a more horrid side of a person, most of us initially more warm, chatty and confident after the first 1 or 3 drinks but then its chaos. Its also not trauma bond ??? He was a difficult rude miserable negative grumpy old git.

Rocksonabeach · 09/12/2023 03:45

Panaa · 09/12/2023 03:13

It doesn't matter if he is a narcissist or not. You do know that he's toxic though.
You definitely need to block because toxic people nearly always come back.
You're 3 months down the line now so you don't want to go right back to the start again!

This.

read your original post - he’s not a nice person

other people are lovely - find one

DeeCeeCherry · 09/12/2023 04:02

He was always so uptight, critical, nothing really was good enough or if it was it wasn't recognised or spoken by him.
He was emotionally cold,
He was negative about everything and anyone.

What is lovable about all that? This situation doesn't need labels such as trauma bond or narcissist, labels don't change anything. The bottom line is if a man like this captured your heart then you need to raise your self-esteem and do some personal care/development.

He had to get drunk to bring himself to be nice to you fgs. Yet you speak as if its some kind of wonderful times win. It isn't - its dreadful. Block him and do the Freedom Programme if you are minded to value your self-worth.

daisychain01 · 09/12/2023 04:17

Do yourself a favour. You need to get support to help you understand why you keep getting involved with highly unsuitable men. You've already been with a narcissist before and you still want to be involved with this loser.

BelindaOkra · 09/12/2023 04:21

Narcissists are superficial and charming so no, not a narcissist. I think it’s much simpler, alcohol relaxes you. For whatever reason without alcohol life is difficult to be in his head - he’s angry, bitter - it may be anxiety causing that, or some deep seated anger of whatever - it doesn’t really matter. You don’t want to be with someone who needs alcohol to be a pleasant person.

It’s normal to feel sad when a relationship breaks up & to miss the good bits (& there were good bits - it’s just unfortunate he had to be pissed for them). I wouldn’t call that a trauma bond. If you feel a bit traumatised by having a relationship with someone who could be two different people that’s not surprising. As always therapy may be helpful if you want to talk about it - especially if you keep ending up in relationships where you aren’t treated that well.

BelindaOkra · 09/12/2023 04:23

Or yes freedom programme - would be a good idea. You stayed with someone who was usually horrible to you for a long time. That’s the question to ask yourself - why - rather than worrying about him.

Panaa · 09/12/2023 04:28

It’s normal to feel sad when a relationship breaks up & to miss the good bits (& there were good bits - it’s just unfortunate he had to be pissed for them). I wouldn’t call that a trauma bond.

The trauma bond isn't just about being sad and missing him, it would have been what kept her in the relationship, the constant cycle of being awful to her followed by positive reinforcement.

Original poster
whoknows1 · 09/12/2023 07:59

Yeah I felt a bit addicted to him when he was loving and emotionally warm.
I'm definitely not going back, and I'm working on my self development and self esteem. I'll get there eventually, just trying to work out why it hurts so much I guess.

OP posts:
HagoftheNorth · 09/12/2023 08:14

Actually I wonder whether he’s the traumatised one - mask of how he’s learned he should/it’s safe to behave when he’s sober, you see the real man only when he’s drunk. He probably needs therapy!

Nevertheless OP, not a good partner, another one here saying run fast

mindutopia · 09/12/2023 09:49

I don’t think this is a trauma bond. I think it sounds like you are probably attracted to the ups and downs and instability and the chase of getting him to be loving and attentive when he’s usually a dick head. That sounds like low self worth and co-dependency to me. Something you came into the relationship with, otherwise you wouldn’t have been attracted to him to begin with.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page