Am I doing the right thing? Help.

[OneDay1234]

Me and my partner mutually decided to end our relationship 3 or so weeks ago. We have 2 kids 3yo & 7months. We told our families a few days after the decision, and then we told friends and it seemed like we had both reached the end of the road. However, in the past week and a half my soon to be ex partner changed his mind and is categorically against the split now, he’s scared (as am I) and he wants to stay together and try and make it work as a family. I have been 100% clear with him and told him I’m done now, but tonight I’ve gotten a big knot in my stomach. I’m feeling overwhelmingly anxious and wondering if I’m making the right choice.

We argued all the time and sometimes it was in front of the kids, which I absolutely hated and begged him to stop speaking to me like rubbish in front of them, but it just kept happening over and over again. He has terrible mood swings that affect everyone in the home (could be undiagnosed depression), he doesn’t enjoy going out for walks or for lunch anymore with the kids because he says it’s hard work (which it is but omg just get on with it), and we often would go days at a time without speaking to each other because of an argument, like most weeks there would be one or two days we wouldn’t speak apart from necessary stuff involving the kids.
We’ve split up once before but we didn’t tell anyone so I think both of us knew back then that we hadn’t reached the end yet. I love him dearly but I’m never intimate with him because I just don’t feel that way anymore. There’s too much water under the bridge. But the thought of my 3yo learning that her dad isn’t coming home after work in the evenings anymore is sending me into a spiral tonight.

I guess my question is, am I doing the right thing? Should I be a grown up and realise that people need to put up with behaviour they don’t like from their spouses for the sake of the family? I get the feeling my parents want me to try and make it work, but my friends say he’s not treated me well and think I’m doing the right thing. So I’m turning to the MN gang for advice. Has anyone been in a similar situation? Has anyone with kids had a non-abusive partner who they love but they just don’t think the relationship is healthy anymore? Am I splitting up my family for the right reasons?

Yes, you are doing the right thing. Stand firm for yourself and your children.

I just want to add that he has shown me he wants to be with me forever, we have 2 IVF babies that we saved up to pay for because he has a daughter from a previous relationship so we didn’t qualify for NHS funding, he engaged last year after 8 years of being together, we bought a house together etc. It’s just I found myself wondering sometimes if this is it.. am I always going to be with a man who I never know what mood he’ll be in and whether our day will be a whole day of arguing. Who, for lack of a better phrase, sucks the fun out of most days out because it’s obvious he just doesn’t wanna be there. I see relationships around me and I see people who have their issues, but they make each other laugh & show each other empathy, who talk about politics and tv shows and just are friends first. We don’t have that. But we do have 2 beautiful children and a good routine at home, and I don’t know if I’m doing the right thing by ending it.

Thank you @Allegra567 🩵

He sounds depressed to me. And possibly overwhelmed with parenting and everything else. My partner was a bit like this but after seeing the GP and going on medication about 3 years ago, he massively improved. I think friends and strangers are often very quick to say move on, but it's easier said than done and everyone has good and bad points. Obviously if there is abuse or constantly bringing you down emotionally then I'd say leave.

Thank you @Kayla84 I appreciate you sharing your experience. My mum thinks he’s depressed too. I really don’t know what to do. Thanks again for replying x

I suffer with depression and anxiety. They don’t cause me to row with my husband in front of the kids.
Your kids learn how relationships should be from watching their parents. Don’t teach them this is normal.

Having suffered from depression.
Once it was diagnosed and I went on medication ... both I and my life changed.

Equally when my wife went through the menopause she totally changed. Once she was on HRT I got my wife back in 2 weeks,
I couldn't believe how much hormones changed her.

Just thought you needed to know.

@Wolfiefan this is exactly the reason I’ve made steps to separate in the first place, I’m terrified of my kids growing up thinking it’s okay for someone to speak to their partner like that. Thank you for your response x

Thanks for your reply @Eyepic it’s good to have a perspective of someone who has suffered with depression and been in a similar situation, I appreciate it x

Splitting is never easy on the person or the children but do you want your children to grow up in a toxic environment?
if he is depressed he needs to seek help otherwise things won’t change but he has to seek that support and you both need to find ways to communicate calmly instead of rowing in front of the kids.
my parents rowed all the time, my mum had depression and schizophrenia it affected us all so much because they tried to stay together for the kids and we were so happy when they finally separated when I was 7 but it caused life long issues, me and my younger brother had counselling & anger management but my older brother didn’t wanna speak to anyone, he then became addicted to drugs at 15 which lasted 17 years, he said he always felt like he had tp try and break up arguments and when we were dropped off at school he’d be in the back of the car and they’d start again.

What was life like pre-kids?

This isn't a decision to be taken lightly, I'm sure as per Mumsnet usual, there will be people telling you to divorce him yesterday.

Could this be depression and a symptom of small kids? It's a massive life shift where everything changes and yes it's hard.

I think serious conversations need to be had about his behaviour and if he is willing to fix it for the sake of your relationship and keeping your family unit together. Perhaps a trip to the doctor to see about potential depression? For me, that would be step one. With that sorted, everything else could improve.

Only you know the answer to this, trust your gut but remember anything that's worth having does not come easily.

Good luck x

You have done the right thing. He is a terrible example to your children.

Hey! Sorry to read this.

My ex husband was all of what you said and after our divorce went onto meds but it didn’t last and he stopped taking them. I now have a happy and calm (mostly lol) home and have no regrets in divorcing. I’d really given tons of effort and had patience but some people don’t change. In fact I think the more “understanding” as I was the more he pushed.

Its easy from the outside to say split and it’s certainly not an easy option but you have so many years ahead with some testing times that you don’t need to have worries about him being secure and demonstrating to your children what family life shouldn’t be. You need happiness and so do your children. Incidentally my ex has largely become a better dad since being part time so we are all benefiting. Good luck!

You have gone through IVF twice so I guess that it's safe to assume that he hasn't always acted this way, especially as your new baby is only a few months old. I would suggest that you get him to see a doctor regarding the depression. Maybe there's a chance for you both if he seeks help? If course he doesn't have the right to speak to you without respect but I'm guessing that you are having second thoughts otherwise you wouldn't have posted. Maybe counselling would help?