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Original poster

Dating

31 replies

HelloMrBond · 08/12/2023 19:53

Ok, I’m reaching out to gather some wise words of wisdom from the mumsnet collective. Last year my wife of 17 years decided to end our marriage, she needed to find whatever she wanted to find… I found it difficult to accept, but accept it I did and have since been getting myself into a good place. I recently decided to dip my toe into the world of dating and have been dating a woman for a couple of months now. On the face of it we’re both quite different but have a few mutual interests and can talk for hours, so have a good connection. Whilst I’m not sure if this woman is going to be my new forever partner, I fully intend to keep dating and see where it may / may not go. My question for you all is; what is the modern thoughts on paying for things? We’ve been on many dates and I always pay. I don’t mind particularly (ok, so maybe a bit!) she has a great job, own home etc, I can afford it (only talking a few hundred) but now I’m second guessing myself, am I being naive? Falling for a woman who might (?) be just with me for fun… I don’t know, a bit confused about it all really, I’m just so new to all this that I don’t know what to think / what’s the norm?

OP posts:
GentlemanJay · 08/12/2023 19:59

I had a FWBs once. She seemed to be comfortable letting me pay for things. I gently told her that this had to change. To be fair after that she paid her way.

SamW98 · 08/12/2023 20:16

Personally, I always prefer to pay for alternate rounds in a pub/bar or offer to split the bill for dinner. If a man says no he’ll pay that’s lovely but I would never expect it and I’ll always be ready to pay my share.

Or if he pays for a date, I’ll say it’s my turn next. Think it’s pretty grabby for a woman to expect a man to pay all the time.

Does she even offer?

Nothankyou22 · 08/12/2023 20:18

I think it should at least be offered and if you pay once then she pays next time or for other things you do

GrumpyOldCrone · 08/12/2023 20:27

I would feel very uncomfortable letting my date pay for everything. When I was dating I always offered to split the bill or take turns.

I would also feel uncomfortable if my date expected me to pay for everything, or always expected to pay. Essentially I want a partner who has a similar attitude to money as me (among other things). And for me that means a reasonably fair split.

Whiskerson · 08/12/2023 20:37

Do you offer to pay? If so, she might just be flattered and pleased to accept what she sees as old-fashioned chivalry.

Personally (rightly or wrongly), I'd take this as an indication that a man was dating me seriously and wanting to care for me, and I wouldn't accept it if I knew I wasn't seriously interested in him. It would feel unfair. But I'd be happy to accept it from a man I was serious about. Not because of the actual money, but because of the gesture.

I've known men who are fixated on the idea that women will be after their money, and in my experience it is always tied into a pretty misogynistic view of women and dating. Only this woman can tell you whether she is serious about you or not, but one thing that would send me running for the hills now is a man who's always suspicious that I'm giving up great chunks of my precious time for some petty material gain. She's a human being with feelings and presumably an income of her own. Be wary of insulting her.

samestyle · 08/12/2023 20:57

Say something like, if she books and gets the tickets, you'll get the takeaway etc If she's grabby, she'll hate the idea and you'll know to stop, or she's a bit naive from being used to a relationship where the man has always looked after her and paid for her, a gentle nudge to what's the norm then she wouldn't mind paying her way.
If your always the one to suggest dates, perhaps let her do some organising which might encourage her.

EmmaEmerald · 08/12/2023 21:00

Does she offer to pay?
if not, that's a serious red flag IMHO.

Catandsquirrel · 08/12/2023 21:14

People vary what they default to quite a bit. A lot of cultural factors etc but it is more than acceptable to expect to share the cost of dating.

I'd try and give her the benefit of the doubt especially if you've been offering and write off whatever has gone before: she may just be used to this or unsure whether to insist.

However it's definitely fine to smile and say 'shall we split this one/ you get the tickets and I get the drinks?'

Don't do this at a bells and whistles restaurant for this first time though. I know she should be expecting to pay her way etc but if you catch her out before payday and she's accepted thinking it's how you like to roll then it could make things awkward.

B1rd · 08/12/2023 21:19

I'd always offer to pay half. If a man insists on paying on the first date, I would, if I liked him enough, offer to pay for the second date.

C1N1C · 08/12/2023 21:21

If she does the purse grab, you're fine. If she doesn't, then as they say on MN, bin.

Elfnsafetyhat · 08/12/2023 21:28

I have a very low opinion of any person who is happy to accept the other party paying for dates 100% of the time. To me it would scream grabby gold digging freeloader with no morals.

Original poster
HelloMrBond · 08/12/2023 21:45

Many thanks for all of your insights. I’m only 40 but a bit old fashioned I think. I’d feel a bit awkward asking her to split things. If she offered then I’d let her but until she offers I’ll probably carry on paying! Daft I know… perhaps I’ll suggest that she surprises me with a date idea, that way she has to plan something which might also mean she is obliged to pay.

I’m just a bit lost with the whole dating thing. Haven’t done it for 20 years and 20 years ago I was a child and dating was a bit different…. I’ll suss it out eventually

OP posts:
SamW98 · 08/12/2023 21:48

So you've been seeing her a few months and she’s never offered a contribution? No way is that right - she’s a grabby freeloading ponce imo.

I understand if she offers and you refuse - that’s different. But to not even offer - not acceptable

Im older than you and I would never expect a man to pay all the time - not even back when I last dated in the early 90’s

EmmaEmerald · 08/12/2023 21:49

HelloMrBond · 08/12/2023 21:45

Many thanks for all of your insights. I’m only 40 but a bit old fashioned I think. I’d feel a bit awkward asking her to split things. If she offered then I’d let her but until she offers I’ll probably carry on paying! Daft I know… perhaps I’ll suggest that she surprises me with a date idea, that way she has to plan something which might also mean she is obliged to pay.

I’m just a bit lost with the whole dating thing. Haven’t done it for 20 years and 20 years ago I was a child and dating was a bit different…. I’ll suss it out eventually

It's 2023! People who won't offer an equal split are well dodge IMHO.

I'm 47 btw and I've never expected a man to pay for me, not even 20 years ago.

Allthewallsarewhite · 08/12/2023 21:52

Yes I agree, if the guy offers to pay and I'm serious about dating him I will let him treat me for the first 2/3 dates max but after that it's definitely my turn and then after that it will be taking turns more or less. It's not like I'm keeping the exact score but it's just whatever feels comfortable and as long as it's kind of fair. I would feel it's not fair to let him pay all the time especially if it's been months.
It's very gentlemen like and I always highly appreciate it if he wants to treat me or spoil me and take the full bill now and then. But I also like to treat him in return to a nice meal or day out at my cost to show him my appreciation for him too.
So personally I'd say it's a bit off that she has never even offered over the course of months. That does seem a little bit entitled.

ThisHouseWillBeTheDeathOfMe · 08/12/2023 21:55

EmmaEmerald · 08/12/2023 21:49

It's 2023! People who won't offer an equal split are well dodge IMHO.

I'm 47 btw and I've never expected a man to pay for me, not even 20 years ago.

Edited
Show quote history

I think this unfair.

It all depends on your views on life. My best friend is a 50/50 all the way kind of girl, and her last partner was of the same view, so they worked. DH and I are both traditionalists and he has always paid. I know lots of people in the 50/50 camp, and I know lots in the traditionalist camp. Each will argue their way is right. There are pros and cons to each.

I think you just need to ask yourself, what are you happy with @HelloMrBond because anyone else's personal preference doesn't really matter.

EmmaEmerald · 08/12/2023 22:08

OP "perhaps I’ll suggest that she surprises me with a date idea, that way she has to plan something which might also mean she is obliged to pay."

don't try this. She might think you're offering a blank cheque and choose something hugely pricey.

Catandsquirrel · 08/12/2023 22:18

HelloMrBond · 08/12/2023 21:45

Many thanks for all of your insights. I’m only 40 but a bit old fashioned I think. I’d feel a bit awkward asking her to split things. If she offered then I’d let her but until she offers I’ll probably carry on paying! Daft I know… perhaps I’ll suggest that she surprises me with a date idea, that way she has to plan something which might also mean she is obliged to pay.

I’m just a bit lost with the whole dating thing. Haven’t done it for 20 years and 20 years ago I was a child and dating was a bit different…. I’ll suss it out eventually

Please don't do that, you're setting her and you up to fail. It isn't clear that you aren't offering to pay and the last thing you want is resentment building up over a small difference in expectations,

I know it's hard once you've established a pattern but think of a courteous, breezy and 'you' way to ask for what you want directly here. If you like her then small steps such as 'shall you get lunch and I'll get the drinks afterwards afterwards?' are fine. This won't be alien to her.

gannett · 08/12/2023 22:19

Made it a point of splitting, especially the first few dates, as I wanted to set out an expectation of equality from the start. I also wanted to weed out any men who thought paying for my dinner would mean I owed them anything, and I certainly wanted to weed out "traditionalists" as we would be fundamentally incompatible.

The whole "it's a sign that a man really likes you" line never rang true for me. If he's only been on 4 dates with me he doesn't really know me. At best we're happy to get to know each other and have clicked somewhat but if he's in love with me by then, that's a red flag.

Once in a relationship (ie once you know you actually like each other) of course it's very nice to treat and be treated. But people should pay their way in casual dating.

fetchacloth · 08/12/2023 22:36

OP, I would expect to pay my way every time or pay on alternate dates.
Long gone are the times when men are expected to pay for everything on a date thankfully. We live in modern times after all. 😊
Next time you go out with your date maybe you could offer to pay for the meal but gently suggest she buys a drink or two afterwards. If she baulks at that I think you'll know where you stand.

Rania78 · 12/12/2023 16:36

It’s ok to pay for the man to pay on the first/second date but then I would offer to pay and then 50/50. Even If the man has more money than me it’s a matter of courtesy and at the end of the day I don’t want him for his money.

SpringleDingle · 12/12/2023 16:41

For me it would be a big red flag. She just sits back and let's you pay for everything? Possibly that might be ok for a date or two (although I prefer to pay my way from the offset) but after that it is just sponging off you. If you don't like to nickle and dime then next you pay you need to say "I'll get this one if you get the next, ok?" and then hold her to it on the next date and don't pay. If she does anything (and I mean anything) other than say "of course, absolutely" and then pay her way every other from there automatically then you have picked up a leech and you need to dispose of her immediately.

Nepmarthiturn · 12/12/2023 16:49

It's good manners for a man to pay for a first date but after that I'd expect everything to be shared, so taking turns to pay. Not some horrific tallying up of splitting each bill based on who ordered what or whatever because that's in the realms of Scrooge and nothing is more of a turnoff that someone who is tight with money like that: pettiness about small sums of money is generally indicative of a lack of generosity and small-mindedness as a general character trait. Each taking it in turns to pick up the bills for dating is normal.

I'd be concerned if someone of either sex appeared to expect the other person to pay for them all the time on dates because this would ring alarm bells that they wouldn't expect to pay their way and cover their own costs in a relationship if things progressed which is also a very unattractive quality in anybody!

SamW98 · 12/12/2023 16:55

So OP are you saying that after dating for a couple of months she’s not once even offered towards paying? There’s no excuse for that imo.

Yes it’s nice to be treated but there’s a line where it’s taking advantage. If she’s not even offering to hug a few drinks, I’d say it’s a huge red flag.

notprincehamlet · 12/12/2023 18:09

There's only one correct approach to paying the bill and this is it

Mrs. Doyle I'll pay

We all know this scenario very well

https://youtu.be/KLcLAidXxeA?si=LDTecRC1q3k8fV2Y

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