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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

New boyfriend

14 replies

Maxine1965Girl · 08/12/2023 18:42

I have been dating a guy for 3 months. He's not interested in sex - just once we tried and it was fine apart from he had ED a bit which I put down to him having been single for 6 years. Since then he has not tried anything although I have indicated that I want to. Mostly I have to ask him for a hug/kiss etc which he seems to enjoy but he is perfectly happy seeing me just once or twice a week. He is also quite secretive about what he does during the day, saying that it is too early on in our relationship for him to tell me all his business. So far I haven't been to his house (although I know he definitely lives alone and no other woman goes there as my friend is his neighbour) as he is doing the house up and it's a mess he says. He keeps saying an emotional connection is more important than sex but that he is starting to get interested again (not seen much sign myself of that) and that he really really likes me. If I bring up my concerns about not seeing him much he says I am pushing too much/being too intense and to just take it easy and have fun getting to know each other. I have met his family by the way and they are great with me. He is nice to me (but can be a bit scathing on occassions about feelings/emotions) Am I over reacting, should I just let things go along. I do really like him and he is a kind, considerate caring person. but perhaps just too used to being on his own now.

OP posts:

Bobtheamazinggingerdog · 08/12/2023 18:45

What ARE you doing with this waste of time?

Celia24 · 08/12/2023 19:12

OP, surely you know this is a dead end?

I've been seeing someone a month and know his schedule pretty well because he's transparent. I've been through being kept in the dark before and let me tell you, it's a breath of fresh air.

That with the ED....it's too early for so many red flags. You'll meet someone else.

samestyle · 08/12/2023 19:33

He's contradicting himself, he doesn't want you to know his business yet he's saying an emotional connection is more important than physical, I expect he's quite embarrassed about his ED that he can't offer you much. Emotionally he can't offer much either as he's not willing to be that close to you. I think the secretiveness about not telling you about his day would be a deal breaker, how can you possibly form a connection with someone so stand offish.

GreyCarpet · 09/12/2023 09:27

Only wanting to see someone once or twice a week after only months is fine and normal I'd say. Presumably you have other things ro do the other nights anyway?

But his being secretive about how he spends his time and not being open is incongruent with wanting to build an emotional connection.

I agree, he sounds like a waste of space.

After three months, I generally would think of him as 'someone I'm seeing'. It makes it easier then to walk away if it's not working for you rather than feeling like you're 'dumping your boyfriend'.

It is unlikely to get any better because he isn't laying the groundwork for it to get better and actively rebuffs you when you try

Aquamarine1029 · 09/12/2023 09:30

Fucking hell, op, if you genuinely don't see this for the dead end it is, nothing we can say will help.

Walk away, right now. You've wasted enough time already.

SpringleDingle · 09/12/2023 09:31

It’s supposed to be easy, exciting, fun in the first few months. If it’s hard, frustrating and confusing then it’s not for you. Dump and move on. You can’t find Mr Right whilst dating Mr Wrong!

Aquamarine1029 · 09/12/2023 09:43

He is nice to me (but can be a bit scathing on occassions about feelings/emotions)

He is nice to me, BUT...

What do you even mean by what you wrote, because it sounds like a massive red flag. Nevermind all of the other red flags in your op.

Dotcheck · 09/12/2023 09:45

This dude’s a strange ‘un

Chuck him back

SamW98 · 09/12/2023 09:47

Seeing each other a couple of times a week - absolutely fine.

Everything else- nah he’s a waste of time. Throw this one back

billy1966 · 09/12/2023 13:43

He sounds awful.

What are you doing wasting your time with him?

Move on.

Opentooffers · 09/12/2023 15:25

Yes, once or twice a week is fine after only a few months. He's never invited you to his house, so I'd guess that domestic duties haven't featured in his day to day, probably embarrassed about that.
However,other day to day, there's no excuse not to chat about it. In fact, it makes me wonder what you do converse about? Surely a lot of talk between couples is about what either have been up to?

Mummymummy89 · 09/12/2023 15:30

The sex thing is enough of a deal breaker. If his drive is this low now when it's all exciting getting to know you etc, it won't be any better years down the line.

Personally I couldn't deal with feeling like I had to persuade a man to have sex with me. (Nor vice versa)

Mummymummy89 · 09/12/2023 15:31

he says I am pushing too much/being too intense

Also, this is quite rude and hurtful of him, as a response to you saying you'd like to see him more.

StrawberryWater · 09/12/2023 19:43

He sounds very strange.

Move on.

Also re the sex thing. It sounds like he's perfectly fine with being companions and having very little or no sex and isn't interested in changing things. Why subject yourself to that? If you can see yourself having a sexless relationship then go for it, but if physical intimacy is important you need to leave now. It honestly sounds like he's hoping you get suckered into an emotional relationship and don't feel able to leave and will just accept his ED / irregular sex. That's manipulative.

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