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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Fear of commitment

20 replies

HTL123 · 08/12/2023 18:06

My partner is in a cycle of self pity, to the point where he’s sabotaging a long term relationship. He says he’s a loser, can’t give me the time I need and that I deserve better. I feel he has a fear of commitment, and because he's stressed about other issues, and the fact we’ve been together so long and I want more commitment, he’s pushing me away. I don’t want the relationship to end, and don’t believe he does either, but it’s easier for him to let me go than tackle his issues. What can I do?

OP posts:

pikkumyy77 · 08/12/2023 18:10

Take him at his word. Whatever you want to call it only he can fix it.

gotmychristmasmiracle · 08/12/2023 20:23

Yes believe him when he says you can do better! My ex told me that before he ran off with another women

DatingDinosaur · 08/12/2023 22:32

In advance - I'm sorry to say this and it's probably not what you want to hear. My experience has been that any man who starts pushing you away and making noises about being a loser or in a bad place or stressed and you deserve better, is someone who wants out of the relationship but is too much of a coward to call that shot. He doesn't want to look like the bad guy.

So yes, take his words at face value, especially if his actions are backing them up.

DeeCeeCherry · 08/12/2023 22:42

He doesn't fear the comfort of you and sex thoigh, does he? When men talk its wise to hear what they're actually saying, rather than trying to analyse and put your own spin on it. He's a grown man not a youth, he knows the score. It'll be painful to leave but far more painful to stay. When he meets the one he truly wants for life, his "fear" will magically vanish. He will leave you. He's actively telling you that you aren't 'the one'. Don't be a placeholder.

Burntouted · 08/12/2023 23:56

Believe him.
You can't "fiix" him nor the relationship
End things.

Pinkbonbon · 08/12/2023 23:59

He wants out. He's just to cowardly to end it. He's got comfortable in thus relationship but he doesn't think you're 'the one'.

As pp said, don't be a placeholder.

Aquamarine1029 · 09/12/2023 00:00

He's oh so afraid to commit but he's more than happy to shag you and reap whatever other benefits you provide, all on his terms, amirite?

Come on now. Wake up and want more for yourself than this bullshit.

Blankspace4 · 09/12/2023 00:02

I am in a very similar position so reading with interest / despair.

Mydogisscratching · 09/12/2023 00:04

He wants to dump you but won't. Men rarely do. Unless they've found another woman. come and be single with us! It's great

Blankspace4 · 09/12/2023 00:04

How long have you been together OP and has he been to the doctor about his (alleged) mental health issues?

im afraid it does sound like he’s pushing you away and treating you badly, manipulating you in to getting so fed up you end it, without the guilt on his conscience of ending it. Its like holding a mirror up to my own relationship tbh

FinallyHere · 09/12/2023 00:13

DatingDinosaur · 08/12/2023 22:32

So yes, take his words at face value, especially if his actions are backing them up.

Yeah. This.

Sorry but honestly, just run.

Lookingoutside · 09/12/2023 00:26

Listen to his words. He’s trying to end the relationship. Cut your losses OP ❤️

RantyAnty · 09/12/2023 00:38

His problems are his own to fix all by himself.

I wouldn't stick around in this toxic mess being used.

workandwork · 09/12/2023 01:58

I have nice dated a guy like this. He basically wanted to shag lots of women and have his own pool of women to pick from. It did actually work because none of us believed him when he told us that he was afraid of commitment because of his crippling self-esteem.
Honestly it was a few years ago and I still can't work out how he got us all to fall in-line like that!

Panaa · 09/12/2023 03:18

I don't buy the 'fear of commitment' thing if someone has got to the point where they're in a long term relationship!

And I say that as an actual commitment phobe.

Tbh it just sounds like you're going down that way of thinking where you think a man is pushing you away because he's scared of his feelings and loves you so much, but if that ever does happen that doesn't tend to happen in long term relationships, people don't try to push away the ones they love, they try to hold onto them at all costs.

Blankspace4 · 09/12/2023 22:28

How to react when you feel someone is pushing you away?

My honest instinct is to emotionally rant but I want to be classy and potentially leave the door open.

Livelifelaughter · 10/12/2023 02:49

Funnily enough when Men say you deserve better etc they don't go and live in a cave or spend years trying to be better they go and find another woman who also deserves better...
Commitment phobes really are the ones who want something casual but don't want to say that. Years ago I went out with a guy who said after a few months, I think you want something serious and I want something casual, he hadn't really integrated me into his life. I thought he was a twat but it's now I appreciate his honesty. After him I have met a few more men who have said they that wanted something serious, wanted a committed relationship and then ended things when the relationship would have naturally developed...

flowerchild2000 · 10/12/2023 02:54

Most men do work on their issues. They just find someone willing to put up with them. He won't change, don't hurt yourself trying to get him to.

GarlicMaybeNot · 10/12/2023 03:30

Agree with PPs. Have you thought about how disrespectful it is to think you know someone else's feelings better than they do? It's even bad to do that to children, let alone grown adults.

Firefly2009 · 10/12/2023 05:54

The best response to this is to leave him. If he doesn't run after you, don't look back.

Logically, what are your options?

Persuade him to get help for his issues (unlikely to work because that's his decision)
Put up with the situation
Leave

It's a no brainer logically. You just need the emotional resilience to go through with it. Right?

That is unless there is more to this story, as you haven't said much. What is he stressed about? What brought on his declaration of being a loser?

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