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Original poster

Would you be upset if you found out your partner thought of ending it?

10 replies

youuuin · 08/12/2023 17:05

I have been with my boyfriend for almost 3yrs, living together as of September but before we were living apart but saw each other fairly regularly.
Long story short I have just found out (not from him) that just under a year ago he was thinking of moving abroad this year, and was telling friends that he wanted to go but 'needed to figure some things out first', i.e. me. He was saying that he wanted to go but also wanted to stay with me too (I wouldn't be able to go with him - work and studies), but was deciding in his head what to do.
Haven't addressed it with him yet as I want some neutral opinions, but am I overreacting to feel upset about this? Part of me thinks I should leave it because he did say he wanted to stay with me, and evidently he chose me, our relationship is great etc. But the other part is terrified - he never told me he was thinking of moving abroad, and as far as I was concerned at the time he was 100% happy with me and had no thoughts of ending the relationship. I suppose I'm just a bit scared seeing firsthand that things can seem perfect but secretly he could be having other feelings. Would you be upset if this was you, or am I overthinking it? TIA.

OP posts:
girljulian · 08/12/2023 17:08

You're overreacting. He didn't tell you because of course it would have upset you and he hadn't decided yet.

TedMullins · 08/12/2023 17:11

Overreacting. At no point did he suggest he was unhappy with you or the relationship. He’s allowed to also want to move abroad - it sounds like he felt conflicted but ultimately chose to stay here with you. His other life goals/desires don’t mean he’s unhappy with you

GrumpyPanda · 08/12/2023 17:12

I'd be disappointed he didn't trust me at the time to work through it together. But your title is massively BU. It wasn't about "ending it", we are all of us allowed goals and desires in life even if they are independent of a relationship. And LTRs are also an option, I've had several.

You should both have a good long talk though about each of your plans and how much they're compatible.

Catandsquirrel · 08/12/2023 17:15

Did an opportunity present itself such as a promotion overseas or was he just looking for ways to move abroad off his own back?

I'd want to put this to bed with him either way but the answer here would make a difference as to how I might feel.

MMmomDD · 08/12/2023 17:17

OP - do you tend to be insecure in a relationship? I am saying that because of the way you phrased it - ‘he was thinking of ending it’ - which is the conclusion you immediately jumped to….
While in reality it wasn’t that.
He was making a decision about his life - weighing moving countries VS not wanting to leave you. A very different perspective to yours.

I presume you both are still fairly young and your lives aren’t yet fixed. So choices of careers and locations are totally normal.

Don’t make a big deal out of it. Don't make him feel bad or apologise.
Tell him someone told you about him consodering moving - and just talk about it.

Original poster
youuuin · 08/12/2023 17:19

GrumpyPanda · 08/12/2023 17:12

I'd be disappointed he didn't trust me at the time to work through it together. But your title is massively BU. It wasn't about "ending it", we are all of us allowed goals and desires in life even if they are independent of a relationship. And LTRs are also an option, I've had several.

You should both have a good long talk though about each of your plans and how much they're compatible.

Edited

Thank you for the honest response, I think that's a good idea. Should have mentioned we were already LDR at the time but only across the country, so I know it can work but he was saying it was us or the move, no middle ground.

I think you're right, I've made sacrifices in my personal life for career/independent goals - definitely just the shock of seeing that he didn't discuss it with me when we're both usually very open with each other, rather than the fact he was thinking of moving! Thank you though, feel much better about it now🙏

OP posts:
Original poster
youuuin · 08/12/2023 17:32

MMmomDD · 08/12/2023 17:17

OP - do you tend to be insecure in a relationship? I am saying that because of the way you phrased it - ‘he was thinking of ending it’ - which is the conclusion you immediately jumped to….
While in reality it wasn’t that.
He was making a decision about his life - weighing moving countries VS not wanting to leave you. A very different perspective to yours.

I presume you both are still fairly young and your lives aren’t yet fixed. So choices of careers and locations are totally normal.

Don’t make a big deal out of it. Don't make him feel bad or apologise.
Tell him someone told you about him consodering moving - and just talk about it.

I think from seeing the responses I've realised my title was a tad dramatic - he had said to a friend that if he decided to go, he would break up with me, but he was still deciding. And that wasn't why I was upset, it was more shock because he didn't talk to me about it or even tell me he was thinking about moving. But from reading some responses I completely understand why he didn't!
I wasn't planning on making him feel bad about it either way - I won't bring it up but I'll talk to him about the future etc and make sure we're both happy, talk about future plans/ideas etc as it would be good to be on the same page.

OP posts:
KentLife01 · 08/12/2023 17:34

I see both sides. I think I'd be disappointed that he discussed a potentially life changing event with other people and not me. But ultimately he made his choice and that was not to go. It's possible he didn't want to put you both in a situation where emotion came into it or have you asking him to stay and then later feel resentment towards you because of it. It had to be a choice he made.

gannett · 08/12/2023 17:38

It was essentially a choice between you and a life abroad. If I was making that choice I would want to discuss with friends before my partner - bringing it up with you puts you on the spot and I don't think it'd be fair to you or him. It's absolutely something I'd want to work through independently if possible.

It sounds like that's exactly what he did, and he chose you.

NosamUK · 08/12/2023 17:44

youuuin · 08/12/2023 17:05

I have been with my boyfriend for almost 3yrs, living together as of September but before we were living apart but saw each other fairly regularly.
Long story short I have just found out (not from him) that just under a year ago he was thinking of moving abroad this year, and was telling friends that he wanted to go but 'needed to figure some things out first', i.e. me. He was saying that he wanted to go but also wanted to stay with me too (I wouldn't be able to go with him - work and studies), but was deciding in his head what to do.
Haven't addressed it with him yet as I want some neutral opinions, but am I overreacting to feel upset about this? Part of me thinks I should leave it because he did say he wanted to stay with me, and evidently he chose me, our relationship is great etc. But the other part is terrified - he never told me he was thinking of moving abroad, and as far as I was concerned at the time he was 100% happy with me and had no thoughts of ending the relationship. I suppose I'm just a bit scared seeing firsthand that things can seem perfect but secretly he could be having other feelings. Would you be upset if this was you, or am I overthinking it? TIA.

Some shit friend that is, friends are meant to keep secrets.

eventually, if it happens, I am sure he will communicate with you, this is just how it goes, we open up to friends first for a 2nd opinion.

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