Breaking up, but not just yet, with kids

[checkthechickens]

My partner has just told me that they think they want to split up, after 16 years and with a 4 and 9 year old together. I'm struggling to sleep, manage my thoughts about what it all means, and I've had a tight knot in my chest and stomach ever since they told me a few days ago that wont go away. I think essentially that they've fallen out of love with me, feeling that we haven't put enough effort into the relationship since we had kids, and they've given up hope of that getting better.

I understand, but I am also in shock and utterly heartbroken. We're still treating each other pretty much as usual, and have of agreed to 'enjoy' the things we have planned in December (their suggestion), so that the kids, and everyone else (families etc) can enjoy Christmas, and to see how we both feel in a few weeks time, after doing all the nice things we had planned together. They suggested their mind is 90% made up, but Im fairly sure that might have just been to make me feel better. Clearly I'm going to struggle to enjoy anything much under the circumstances. I feel in a sort of limbo as we haven't officially broken up but I feel a bit like I'm just on death row waiting for my execution date. My immediate reaction though, is that I have to take any glimmer of a chance to keep my family together.

How long should I expect to feel horrendous? And what can I do to help myself? I have little support and feel quite alone. The nature of my work means that I have a very quiet few months ahead of me which I had been really looking forward to, where I had planned to really focus on myself and our relationship, and now it feels like a giant void filled with me and my sadness in front of me. Any advice, about how to manage myself, and the next few weeks, would be appreciated. So would any positive stories and advice from people who have been through this with young children and come out the other side of it with both parties, and the kids, thriving as a result.

Thank you for listening

I might suggest some kind of counseling to look at splitting up as well as you can.
It is really unfair of your DP to behave like this.
Leaving you hanging on and suggesting that you pretend everything is okay for weeks.
You need to think about what is going to work for you short and longer term.

This is very hard OP. Once Christmas is out of the way I would be tempted to tell them to move out if that's how they feel. It's very unfair to have this hanging over you.

Thanks for your reply. I think when they said lets see how the month goes, they were thinking of the kids and not ruining christmas for them. I feel the same, but don't know how I can do it. Possibly also that they might consider one last chance, but as I said, I think that's wishful thinking.

No wonder you are upset and in shock - you have been blindsided. Your P has been able to think about all this at his leisure, perhaps for quite some time and come to a decision without trying to talk it all out with you or give your RL an opportunity to get better or work through things together in counselling. He has unilaterally come to this decision and forced it upon you, even the Christmas arrangements and putting on a brave face for the DC!Make sit all so much easier for him.
Do what you need to do - if you want him to go now - then tell him to! The DC will have other and better Christmases to come. They may not know what is going on exactly but there will be a tension/atmosphere in the air. He may not be thinking of the DC - perhaps he can't leave until January when he has another cozy nest to go to. Do you think once he leaves that a "new" girlfriend will come out of the woodwork? Will you be able to manage financially? What a swine!

Thanks for your replies. My partner is f41 and I am m45. Its interesting to hear that people feel she is being unfair although I dont think she is. We have spoken about it before and it's been a problem for a long time, but I thought it was getting better and we were working hard on things. She feels differently and I can see why. I dont think it would even be possible to kick her out before Christmas, or appropriate. We had counselling many years ago about a different issue and got stronger from it, but she hates that sort of thing and doesnt want to do it again. I'm mostly looking for some advice to manage myself, and help in feeling positive about the future.

It’s hard to advise as this is all so vague.
Hang on. Think about practicalities of splitting up - to keep your mind occupied.
Who will love where; how life would look financially. If you are’t married vs married - there is a big difference on how it all works.

Generally - if you are the F in F&M marriage - what he told you is a half truth. Men almost never leave just because they are unhappy, before lining up a replacement.
In this case - holding on to a hope is pointless and he is just managing you by saying 90% sure…..
I’d try to start getting angry at him and go from there.

If you are both women - then it’s possible what she said is true and there is no one else.
In that case - it’s still crappy that instead of trying to see what can be done to save/turn it around she decided to just go.

In general - i think getting angry at them is your first step. They seem to have gone for the nuclear option without much indication they were this unhappy? Without trying to get something fixed before reaching point of no return?
Unless it’s just an affair and he found a new and shinier you get model - get angry at that then!

Thanks MMmomDD, think maybe I posted while you were typing so you didnt see my previous message. Sorry if it was a bit vague, its my first time posting so let me know if theres anything else you need to know.

I don’t know how your going to pretend everything is ok just over Christmas for the kids
Knowing what she has told you. Most M or F would find this really hard not to snap and say
” just go now” your not hanging that over my head for weeks.
you will be driving yourself insane with all the internal questions
we’re getting on ok, perhaps she’s changed her mind
were communicating better, things look good
we had a really good day, looks like she’s changing her mind
etc etc
it will drive you insane , a month is a long time to live with
is she staying or going

get some self esteem, think about you
A month later when she goes, you will be so annoyed and angry with yourself for doing it all the way she wants it. Don’t let her walk all over you
The statement “ Christmas for the kids & family”
Thats for her to not feel bad
There’s , No good time .
Kids are resilient, they won’t be the only kids without both parents these days

I can't figure out the rationale for splitting up, sounds like you've fallen into a friendship zone 🤷‍♀️, it takes 2 people to make a relationship work, has she just given up? sounds like whatever it is as been a long term issue with no resolution.

If you have purely figured out you are both just better off as friends then I would be tempted to wait till after Christmas. But I would start getting everything sorted financially for the new year. If you feel it is too much for you, look at living arrangements. I wouldn't start another relationship or go on dating websites etc until you are living separately.

Things to help self esteem - keep busy, spend time with friends & family, keep looking after yourself both physically and diet. If you can confide in a friend or family member who can listen when things are feeling tough. Remember that you will meet someone else who will appreciate you.

Thanks, yeah I think that's essentially her message, that she's feels we're basically just friends now, and she doesn't feel as though she wants to work on it any more as she feels we've talked about it plenty. Ive given everything I had but was too focussed making sure the family had a comfortable life and home, and on our long term goals, and didn't pay enough attention to the extra she needed from me in the here and now, I think.

How do people sort out short term living arrangements at short notice? Noone can get a flat or house around here and I still have to be close enough to do the school run so I have no friends or family I can stay with nearby.

Thanks so much for the advice.

Not sure where you would find a short term living arrangement but maybe sit down with your partner as ask her how she envisions the separation to go who's going to live where and how things will work with the children etc. obviously you need to have your own thoughts on it too and try to make it work for all.

I think keeping things normal for the kids at Christmas is the kindest thing to do.

She is giving you a shock so you do something about it! Book a holiday or weekend away and make a huge effort to be romantic and really give her your full attention.

Think you should give is one more try and then you have no regrets.

It could be the making of you!? 🤞💕😘x

Bit strange to say it before Xmas and expect the other to pretend everything is fine till after. Having said that, I have been in similar circumstances, but there was a long period of disconnect and not talking to each other before then and, when it came to a head one November day, it was pretty mutual.
You know problems have been there for a good while, but as long as you work harder, provide more, all will be well as that's all a mother needs isn't it?
You now know that is not the case and that looking after DC's is a shared responsibility, so if most of the work is left to one person, that person is always going to be resentful. Full emersion and involvement in family life is what women need, anything else causes distance.
For her to have said this now, she's already checked out, so she's really not going to respond to romantic gestures, and it could make her recoil.
Take the time to consider the financial practicalities - is the house joint owned?
You are not married, so keep your own assets rather than sharing them, whatever that entails.
Apart from that, concentrate on being present for your DC's, do your fair share around the home.

@checkthechickens
I am divorced with two kids. Everybody moved on and adjusted.
In a way - separation when kids are smaller is easier. As long as you manage to keep civil, and arrange a good routine; and kids don’t see conflict and arguing - they will get used to their new norm and will be OK.

As to practical how - I’d say you need to stop trying to arrange and sort everything. You seem to be in this role of keeping the family/house going - and I think your partner does not even realise (and does not appreciate) how much it is.

You do NOT need to sort out living arrangements, or move out just because she wants to separate. As its her idea to separate - she can make arrangements herself and figure it out on her own.
You need to start thinking practically and a little selfishly too.

Are you married? Is she working? Do you own or rent? Do you make more than her? How is childcare split now? Will you be able to have kids 50% of time. Etc

Plenty (most really) of people live together while going through divorce. Most can’t afford to get another place immediately, and need to sort out all kinds of arrangements.
At least you are amicable.
(We lived together through contentious divorce for over a year and we kept it away from kids - to protect them. Was really hard, but right decision)