Sexual abuse

[lovenotwar149]

Ok, this is hard but I am going to ask anyway, here goes.....

So I have had a turbulent year to say the least emotionally. A necessary part of my journey for sure!
I went non contact with my father last Sept '22. Soon after with my mother too. My 2 siblings have 'sided' for want of a better word with our parents so no contact with them now , or minimal (odd WhatsApp msg with younger sis).
Brief background- my parents had a violent marriage, both show very narcissistic behaviours. I have been putting in boundaries with my parents for as long as I can remember , and they got very much firmer after 2012 when my father was particularly verbally abusive towards me.
Since being no contact I have experienced a lot of flashbacks. I was a highly anxious child, covered in eczema, suffered nightmares as a child, thought I was stupid. Had a nervous breakdown when I was 22 and tried to kill myself when I was 25. I am doing well now btw, VERY well. Have had 3 bouts of therapy over the yrs and have turned things around BIGTIME.
In this last yr since breaking off all contact with my parents ,I have reflected on so many things from the past i.e. why I behaved certain ways make sense now. My journey now is sooo insightful. I have so much compassion for my parents, although it is given from a distance. I have noticed this last yr that I can get quite angry after having sex with my husband. Its not anything he does and it isn't about the sex. During this no contact stage with my parents I received back in July of this year a harsh letter from my dad, it was VERY guilt tripping. "How I can do this to them, how disappointed he is in me, how I have neglected them in their old age etc" I had a very strong reaction to this letter. I went to the police station with it and it has been logged. My hubby thought it was an overreaction on my part and so did a close friend of mine. But I am left wondering why I felt the need for police protection from my dad. I have realised how terrified I am of him, or rather his violent behaviour. I have also had flashbacks of certain inappropriate sexual behaviours he showed infront of me.
When I was about 13/14yrs old he used to come into my bed in the morning (me and him were the early risers in the house) and get into my bed to have a chat with a complete sense of entitlement. He never touched me. I recall really not liking it and pushing myself as far away from him in the bed as was possible. I then started locking my bedroom door and he didn't come in anymore.
Other inappropriate sexual behaviours are him fondling my mum infront of me when I was a teen and once I recall them both having sex on the floor when me and my younger sis were in the double bed in the same room. (we all 4 shared a room that night as we were visiting another family.) I hated it and I froze.
My younger sis has had a string of dysfunctional men and showed sexualised behaviour from very young.
In my life there are a number of occasions where I have shown a complete overreaction to a man. Once the doorbell rang at 2.30am and I was convinced the man was coming in to attack me. Other examples like this have occurred where I am left feeling convinced the man wants to either attack me or rape me. I am now objectively able to reflect on this behaviour and am wondering WHY did I feel this way about a man??
When my first son was born I asked my hubby if he was a paedophile.
I am starting to wonder if myself and my younger sis were sexually abused by him when we were young? What do ppl think?

It is possible that you suffered sexual abuse but I am no expert. I went through an abusive relationship when I was 16 and when I got out of it I was a wreck and didn't trust any men, especially when I was alone with them. I even felt this way towards my dad even though he'd displayed no signs of ever abusing me. I went to counselling and thankfully those feelings passed and I am in a much better place. My counsellor at the time, suggested regression which apparently is similar to being hypnotised and taken back. He wanted me to do this as he thought I may have been sexually abused as a child by a family member. I didn't do it. I couldn't face it and have no memory of such things ever happening, although I don't recall a lot about my early childhood. I don't regret not doing it but if you wanted to, there are options out there that you can discuss with a professional. Where you would stand legally on that type of disclosure if it came to be, I really couldn't say. I think regression would be a very personal choice even if it is still called that, and what you would do with the information should you discover something and how emotionally you could deal with it. I was 16 at the time and now I'm my 40's.

I'm in a similar position OP, I remember some sexualised behaviour and fear there may be more I don't remember/have blanked out but I'm really not sure. It's obviously possible in both our cases but I also think it's possible our reactions (I am also suspicious/mistrustful of men in general) come purely from other forms of abuse which have taught us that some men just can't be trusted in any way whatsoever.

I don't feel I'm explaining this well but when a significant male figure in your life (particularly as a child) betrays your trust in any way at all it leaves scars and makes it difficult to believe any man is capable of being decent and true. So then you wonder exactly what they are capable of and the worst possibilities run through your mind, like the question you asked your husband when your son was born.

Of course it's possible, for both of us, that the sexual element went further than we let ourselves remember but when there's other abuse going on alongside anything sexual I think that's probably enough to warrant/explain our mistrust of men in general. When you can't trust the man closest to you growing up not to be violent/abusive how can you ever trust any man, in any context?

but when a significant male figure in your life (particularly as a child) betrays your trust in any way at all it leaves scars and makes it difficult to believe any man is capable of being decent and true. So then you wonder exactly what they are capable of and the worst possibilities run through your mind, like the question you asked your husband when your son was born.

Yes I think u hit it on the nail here. I realised my core beliefs very recently about men are...

1. They are rapists
2. 2.They are attackers
3. they are paedophiles
4. they are misers

I know this is grossly unhealthy but the miracle is I know WHY I have had these core beliefs and I am sooo grateful I am now AWARE of this so I can now look at situations with men more objectively. I am not scared of men like I used to be. I do still have unhealthy thoughts about men but when these thoughts come up for me these days I watch them and change them accordingly.

I feel a little fearful that more flashbacks will appear for me , but I TRUST the process/universe that if they do appear , they will be sent to me when the universe decides I can handle it!

Thank you for your reply.

@lovenotwar149

You've said you've had 3 lots of therapy and they really helped you. I think maybe it's time you headed back for a 'tune up' to deal with this particular issue. Facing and exploring possible sexual abuse, especially from a parent, is something that IMHO needs to be picked apart and explored with the help of a good therapist. With their help you'll be able to sort the wheat from the chaff and when that's done you'll be assisted with putting those issues 'in their proper place' in your mind.

Good luck to you. You sound like you've got a good head on your shoulders and are a strong person. You'll get through this.

You could take a look at the resources on the NAPAC website, see if any of those are helpful.

There are lots of possibilities that could explain your anxiety. Looking for explanations, in order to address your anxiety, is healthy (to a point).
You've said both your husband and friend felt you'd overreacted to your Dad's letter. It sounds as though you have a very good/trusting relationship with your husband, and he will be far more familiar with the dynamic/everything that has gone on with your family - so it will be worthwhile to ask your husband what he thinks about your theory.

Are you more aware of sexual abuse as in has it happened to someone close to you? I know I wasn't sexually abused but I am very aware of it cause it happened to my cousin off her father and I do find myself thinking very similar to these points you made

• They are rapists
• 2.They are attackers
• they are paedophiles
• they are misers

I am so sorry to hear this, but I'm so glad you're doing well.
I am having similar issues and fleeting flashbacks regarding the same kind of thing... But this was by my mothers mother.
I was also highly sexualised as a very young child and cannot get my head round the things I did up to the age of 7/8. Bitch grandmother, as I now refer to her, was inappropriate with me constantly, she was also a total narcissist. Little things have been raising questions, such as I was never left on my own with her as a small child, yet I was with my other grandparents... As I got older, 11/12/13 yrs of age, I used to go round to hers for a cooked breakfast on a Sunday morning. I thought it was bonding, now thinking about the things that occurred, I'm thinking it wasn't... I really don't know who to approach about all this. Don't get me wrong, it's not ruling or impinging on my life, but when I have these little flash backs, I feel horrified, ashamed and embarrassed... She caused a lot of trouble when I was preparing to get married in 1995 and it was then that I went NC with her... I'd had enough of her shit and the bullying that I'd had from her all my life... There's a lot more to all this, but that's the gist of it... I hope we can both get peace somehow hon, sending you much love ❤❤❤

I think you need to be careful as it's quite easy to create false memories - there's a study about implanting a memory of a hot air balloon ride as a child - people were shown a picture and told it was from their childhoods, and 50% of them created a false memory/narrative from it.

However, the behaviours you talk about with your parents - him getting into bed with you and them having sex in the same room - it's really line-crossing stuff.

I feel a little fearful that more flashbacks will appear for me , but I TRUST the process/universe that if they do appear , they will be sent to me when the universe decides I can handle it!

That's pretty much where I am too, part of me wants to pick at the scab and see what's under there but the process/universe (know exactly what you mean by that!) has served me well so far so, like you, I'm trusting that it will all come to light if/when I'm ready, if indeed there's even anything there to come to light. In the meantime I try not to beat myself up if I give in to my instinctual distrust sometimes and think the worst of someone who doesn't necessarily deserve it, I'm learning to be kinder to myself and really believe that none of it is my fault, which it isn't

I am so glad I have been brave enough to post this and I am so grateful for your responses. It does feel better to know one is not alone. Much love people :)

Hi just looking for some answers as I have always felt so confused about this. I have no memories at all from before I was about 13. The very few memories I do have are vague and only in parts. I remember that I used to rub my stuffed animals faces on my groin which started when I was about 3, in year 1 I took a boy to the toilet during class and asked to touch him down there and he also touched me down there. My dad used to get me to straddle his belly (literally just above his groin) when we were both naked - I don’t know why we were naked but we were and he would pretend to be a motorbike and I’d be wriggling around all over the place as he pretended to go round corners, I remember being 6-9 years old when this happened and . He also felt no need to wear clothes or pants around me a lot of the time and I can’t remember when he started to cover up but I remember exactly what his penis looks like. I can’t remember when but I started to feel really sexually uncomfortable around him in my pubescent years and it’s remained like that (I’m now 25) since. I remember when I was a bit older maybe 13 14 it started he used to slap me on the bum and smile creepily at me and it would make me cringe and feel so sick inside, I’ve also caught him checking me out many times and to this day I cover up as much as I can around him and completely stay at a distance from him. Also when I was 14 and had my first boyfriend and we were talking about sex on Facebook, my mum and dad found out and were both furious and they locked themselves in the bathroom with my phone while they went through all my messages. It got so bad, the uncomfortable feelIng, that I would run away from home every day and was then put in care. I now have all the symptoms of a person that’s been through sexual abuse; eupd, eating disorder, drug abuse, self harm, always seem to be attracted to much older men although my dad repulses me, and I have barely any memories of my childhood. I am also currently under section in a mental health hospital for attempted suicide. The difficult part is that my dad has asperges and so some of his behaviours could be completely innocent but why do I feel so sexually uncomfortable around him? Like if I could sprint in the opposite direction I could? I’m absolutely fine with all other men in my life- uncles, grandpas, etc. Also my mum is narcissistic and hates me and my dad and she sleeps in her own bed, I’m pretty sure they haven’t had sex in years.. she’s horrible to both of us. And why can I not remember any of my childhood? I avoid going on holidays with them as I have to wear a bikini and even when it’s boiling hot I’m always covered up and he always makes a point of walking behind me… again this could be due to his Asperger’s. Just looking for answers as this is always at the back of my mind but sometimes it gets too much and I have a breakdown.

Oh dear oh dear oh dear! I feel for you. Somuch of what you write about is ABSOLUTELY not ok from your dad.

again this could be due to his Asperger’s.

Trying to understand why he may have behaved the way he did ...I get that, it can lead to compassion. But man its DOES NOT excuse it AT ALL!
Awful behaviour on his part awful.

Pls look after yourself and get the help YOU need! Look after YOU!!

much love xx

@B19742

What you went through as a child and growing up sounds God awful ,
there's no excuse for your father being like that towards you even if he has the label Asperger's attached to it.

and having an Narastistic mother in the equation too,
It's definitely disturbing boundary transgressions behaviour
totally unacceptable...

Sorry you experienced this kind of thing and your sisters too.

Thank you for your answers it makes me feel a lot better to hear that it’s not just all in my head like I thought as I’ve never spoke to anyone about it before. I’m on a waiting list for therapy and will definitely try and get help with it, thank you!

@lovenotwar149
Repressed memories are absolutely real.

However, you should be careful not to construct a new sense of truth around the possible existance of repressed memories which may or may not have involved sexual abuse as a child.
The truth is, you don't know. And the brain is very susceptible to suggestion. Meaning if you imagine the same thing over and over again, your brain will start to percieve this as a memory, rather than an image you've constructed yourself.
I believe you're at risk of doing this right now.

If it happened, the memories will come to you when you're ready. But don't start believing something until then.

At this point, I'm more likely to attribute all of your 'symptoms' to you having an insecure attachment style, specifically towards men. Your childhood as it is, was traumatic enough to grow up believing you're never safe when men are around.

Hbosh ·

Thank you. What you have said makes a lot of sense. I have noted it! Thanks again!