I need advice about how to approach this?

[Topaz1966]

A quick history is that we have been married for nearly 25 years and I have always known he is shit with money.
We have one child who is in early adulthood and autistic with learning difficulties. My husband previously worked as an actor/speaker/public events type jobs and is self employed. Obviously with lockdown all his work disappeared and it became a better option for me to go back to work (I had been home supporting our son). DH is now the carer.

He gets carers allowance and I pay all the bills from my salary and from a contribution from my son's UC. Son is not yet ready for world of work.

Husband still gets the odd bit of work which he can do, he has no bills except to buy a bit of food shopping now and then, when he has no work I buy all the food.

I am physically and mentally exhausted but we have a roof over our heads and all bills get paid.

The issue is that husband likes to chuck the odd "pity party" on FB which drives me insane. He could find part time work and then I would not have to work full time, however he doesn't want to. He likes sitting making quizzes up, making videos for said quizzes and quite frankly hardly moves except to cook a meal and wash up. Our son has needs which are not being met, he's just been assessed by social care as having 12hrs of care needs a week and it needs someone to pull this together which husband seemingly is incapable of. I want to reduce my hours to support DS but husband is saying we cannot afford this.

So yesterday I decided that no matter what I needed to reduce my hours, I am 58, my legs are seizing up as my job is sedentary and I just need to give DS more time.

Pulled up FB at lunchtime to see husband had done one of his regular pity party posts. He's thinking about jacking the acting etc in because he's so poor all the time. Cue 50+ posts from people saying "don't", "you're amazing" etc etc. I posted saying he could get a part time job and that this time of year is always a dry time. He deleted it as he said "it didn't help".
However, last night I discovered he had started a GoFund me page which I am appalled about, He hasn't told me this, I just saw it on FB and by this morning it was up to £330 and I am beyond humiliated. We don't need it, just because his bank account is low is no reason to be a victim. I just feel it reflects on me too.

I don't give him much money a month as I am already paying everything. Quite honestly he makes me feel so angry. If it wasn't for DS I would kick him out but because of DS who is very attached to his Dad I can't.

I need to talk to him about it but what do I say? Any advice?

Will it really matter what you say to him?
Has talking to him made a difference in the past?
Talking only works when the other one has a willingness to listen.
It doesn't sound like he does.

Actions speak louder than words, my dear.
You have a son with special needs. I understand how hard it will be for him to adapt to the chance of his parents separating. But by staying with him, you're basically saying: "it's okay for you to be a useless man, unemployed, not contributing to your family and not even managing to do the most basic household and childcare tasks while you sit on your ass all day doing nothing. And I will continue to put up with your nonsense and pay for everything myself."

Maybe it's time to send another message. But talking isn't going to be what gets through to him.

Do you even like him anymore?

He sounds like a self important, draining, insufferable man child.

I was going to say as pp said 'actions speak louder than words'. I was going to say, tell him if he doesn't start contributing to the household, you want him to leave it.

But actually, I wouldn't bother with all that. Because it sounds like he's a stranger to you living in your home. I don't see the point in telling him to fight to salvage something that isn't worth salvaging.

Also, it's not like he stops being your child's dad if you divorce. They'll still see eachother.

Thank you, probably not doing anything this side of Xmas but will be dealing with it after this.