How to handle Christmas

[Eleano]

Dear Mumsnet,

Me and my DH are hosting Christmas this year and we are going to have a few people who are flying over also stay over for a few nights - my DF, my DB and his GF and my DU.

My DB and his GF are very domineering personalities and my DB has always been eager to show off. At Christmas time last year he did that by ruling over my Christmas menu (since I was hosting I designed it and bought all the ingredients) and ordered extra things that him and his GF cooked on the day and ended up filling the guests so they didn't have room for turkey later.

They basically took over our kitchen. They managed to kick my DH out by telling him he's not needed 'go and have fun' and he gladly obliged not reading my queues to stay and help and they tried to kick me out to by saying they'd take over but I stayed to continue cooking my dishes.

This year I'm mentally preparing myself for the same problems. Me and my DH have agreed that we'll give them an alternative day to cook their menu e.g Boxing Day and we'll ask them to stay out of the kitchen on Christmas Day. However, I'm nervous because:

1. I don't know if they will listen. They will probably smile it off and pretend not to hear and hover around waiting for an opportunity to get into the kitchen and interfere

2. My DH avoids conflict at all costs as he grew up in a really strict family where his DF could hurl insults at everyone and get away with it (still does it today) so I worry my DH won't stand his ground and will end up getting pulled in another direction by my DB to give his GF an opportunity to get into the kitchen. My DB and his GF will do things like this deliberately as they love mind games, power games and gaslighting and bond over making people look stupid or incapable (in this case of hosting).

We lost our DM a few years ago and my DF has become emotionally unavailable and disconnected from us since then so my DB is almost all I've got left of my family and since I'm expecting my first DC it's especially important to me that I keep the relationship going which he wants to as well (albeit with the mind games included).

Any ideas on how to enjoy Christmas with my DB and GF?

Let them do Xmas meal?

They are welcome to cook the Christmas meal when they host at their house. If I'm hosting I'd like me and my DH to cook as we enjoy it and it would be strange imo if we handed it over to guests.

Let them do the meal. Sit back and enjoy. Or don't invite them.

I think you're not being realistic with your wishes.
You say your DB has a dominant personality, but could it be that you have a blind spot to your own lack of flexibility?
You seem to want everything done your way, and any input from others seems to be met with resistance.
Your house, your menu, your cooking, your rules. Even your husband has to follow your cues when he's being given the opportunity to sit down and relax.

I wonder how that feels for your brother, who has also lost his mother and has an emotionally unavailable father and maybe just wants to contribute something to christmas dinner?

Have you tried discussing the plans for the meal beforehand, but without starting off imposing your own ideas (my house, I cook) and just being open to everyone elses wishes as well?

Surely you can just speak to Brother and his GF before hand to set expectations?
Either ask him to help by making some specific dishes for Xmas day, or tell him you would rather have the kitchen to yourself for Xmas day itself but tell him he can cook another day.

Honestly - if someone was fighting to help me in the kitchen on Christmas day I wouldn't dream of saying no.

Can't you both work together if you both like cooking?