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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Any advice for a struggling relationship?

17 replies

Thewho21 · 08/12/2023 13:29

Bit of a background…
My Partner and I have been together 3 years, live together and engaged. Both have children from previous relationships with a large age gap. Both children have health problems and have additional needs which causes a lot of stress. I am heavily involved in the upbringing of his child and treat them as my own. We both work full time, I work from home but have work is mentally demanding and stressful.

The issues with the relationship that has been ongoing for the past year or so are all the household chores are left to me. I feel unappreciated. Finding it it so hard to communicate with him as when I express my feelings I’m shutdown as it always turns into an argument. There is little affection from either of us. No compliments. Selfishness in the bedroom. No gestures, no surprise flowers and just seems disinterested. I do everything for this man. Tea on the table every night for him finishing work, surprise gestures of things I know he likes. Surprise trips away etc but appears to have total lack of interest on his part, regularly falls asleep early on an evening and ends up sleeping on the sofa for the rest of the night including non work days on weekends. He seems to have the inability or unwillingness to recognise my needs or feelings. I have very ill recently and had to spend the day in bed. He came home work and made himself dinner. He not have the consideration to ask if I needed or wanted anything and when I confronted him about this he feels he had done. I thing wrong and said I was out of order for feeling this way.

We have argued many times about this and I have said that the relationship isn’t going anywhere but he always talks me into staying and then nothing changes.

What would you do?

OP posts:

Hbosh · 08/12/2023 14:04

Honestly @Thewho21 , it feels like this man is using you as a live-in-nanny and maid.
Could it be that his last partner (the mother of his child?) was tired of looking after a man-child and left him, and instead of learning to take care of himself and his kid, he just found his next victim?

He doesn't seem to have any respect for you as a person. You seem to only have any value when you're serving him, and when you have any tedious emotions, you're a burden.

Is this really the relationship you see yourself wasting any more precious time on?

Original poster

Thewho21 · 08/12/2023 14:22

Thank you for your reply @Hbosh it does seem this way. You’re right he doesn’t seem to have any respect for me as a person. He has currently moved out to give me some space but keeps asking if we can talk to make things work. I can’t see how it can work if he can’t recognise his behaviour even when I tell him so.

OP posts:

FloweryWowery · 08/12/2023 14:25

He wants it to work so you can continue skivvying for him, caring for his child and having sex with him. He has everything to lose and you have nothing.

Tinkerbyebye · 08/12/2023 14:33

dont have him back. He won’t change and is just missing you doing everything

Seaoftroubles · 08/12/2023 14:35

I would ask him to leave, he treats you with total disinterest and disrespect. Seriously OP why are you putting up with this kind of treatment and what exactly does he bring to the relationship?
You've only been together for 3 years, he must have changed a lot as l can't imagine you'd be attracted to someone so unpleasant. You dont mention any redeeming qualities and this must be miserable to live with. Please don't waste your life on such a cold, selfish, unkind man.

AMuser · 08/12/2023 14:40

This is THREE years in?? And you got engaged. You know you’d be way better off on your own. This won’t change. It will get worse you know that.

AMuser · 08/12/2023 14:42

Think about why he is always able to talk you back round? What is it that makes you think you are worth so little.

RadRad · 08/12/2023 14:59

Not sure what's in it for you OP, are you dependent on him in any way, financially I mean? It sounds like you will be better off without him to be honest, you have such different expectations- you expect romance and appreciation, he sounds like more of a basic kind of guy.

Isheabastard · 08/12/2023 15:06

I had this with my stbxh. I couldnt seem to get him to understand things from my point of view. A reasonable calm request from me would explode into rage from him. My epiphany was when I realised he did understand, but he didn’t want to change his behaviour to make things more fair.

If he could twist things to blame me instead, or shout and shut me down, why would he need to change his behaviour if he isn’t forced to.

While your partner is away and everything is fresh in your mind, write down all the ways he’s upset you, from being lazy to treating you as less than his equal.

Then write down all the improvements and anything you miss (if any), while he is out of the home. Keep this list and refer to it frequently, it may help you decide how to go forward.

He’s probably realised he’s pushed you too far, so only now is willing to talk ‘to work things out’. Maybe he even thinks his absence will make your heart grow fonder. This may be the first time in ages you have any power in the relationship if he thinks you will leave him for good.

If you do decide you will take him back?, then use the list as a basis for negotiation. Allocate chores for each, free time should be equal to both of you, and a review in a month/3 months to see if he is keeping up his side of the bargain. He needs to be sure of the consequences for backsliding.

Finally, don’t make decisions from guilt about him. Think about what you want and need. He hasn’t been concerned about you, so why should you worry about him?

Watchkeys · 08/12/2023 15:14

What makes you stay in this relationship?

Original poster

Thewho21 · 08/12/2023 15:21

To be honest I have no idea. The children are a big factor and I know that is no reason to stay in a relationship. This was his home I moved into to and we made it ours. All of my money has gone into this home so I would have to move myself and child in with parents as I’m not in a financial situation to get my own place. I think the upheaval of this when child is unwell is why I have not left before now.

OP posts:

Vonesk · 08/12/2023 15:24

I've been there.
His behaviour is ' TEACHING you to be SINGLE.
( AND you must)
Get Busy with your own life.
Get A Skill ( career)
Save some Money in a secret account for the future when ,if, you decide you're Done with this.
Learn how to do all the Masculine jobs you will need as a Single.
Try to meet new people who will give you a new aspect to life.
Dony make any rash decisions without getting all your ducks in a row.
Go for counselling if poss. ( For yourself)

Watchkeys · 08/12/2023 15:32

All of my money has gone into this home so I would have to move myself and child in with parents as I’m not in a financial situation to get my own place. I think the upheaval of this when child is unwell is why I have not left before now

You need to balance this with staying and being treated like a skivvy robot with no feelings.

Learn how to do all the Masculine jobs you will need as a Single

WTF is this? What is a 'masculine job'?! If OP doesn't know how to empty the bins and change a lightbulb by now, I'd marvel. If she needs to know how to wire a new electrical system, she'll have to google it like a man. 'Learning masculine jobs' isn't a project, it's life. Like 'learning feminine jobs'.

Original poster

Thewho21 · 08/12/2023 15:32

@Vonesk
I have a career, I have a BSc and masters degree and work full time. I am capable of being on my own as I was on my own for 15+ years prior to this relationship. I think the difficulty is leaving and starting over again.

OP posts:

Seaoftroubles · 08/12/2023 17:54

OP if it's solely his home and you can't afford anywhere for yourself then your choices are limited. But if your parents will accommodate you l would still choose this over staying with him. No one deserves to be treated like a servant who has no feelings. If he's like this after 3 years it will only get worse.

gannett · 08/12/2023 18:27

he always talks me into staying

This is the bit you need to change.

You're right, the relationship isn't working. I have no idea what he's saying to convince you to stay but he's not bringing that same effort or energy to the actual relationship... just the lies that somehow get you to stay.

Start the process of leaving him again and then do not let him talk you into staying. Whatever he says, do not buy it.

gannett · 08/12/2023 18:28

Also there's no shame in a relationship ending. Things run their course. Things end. It's natural and it's OK. Hopefully you still have fond memories of the very start. That bit's over now though. This relationship is struggling for a reason and it's more futile to try to continue to beat a dead horse.

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