Dating someone with a child, when you dont have children yourself

[Charlie12023]

Hello, just asking really everyone's thoughts on this, as at my grand old age of 48, I may not have a choice in the matter when it comes to dating/children etc

So, I have been very career focused all my life really, very close to my dear old mum and dad who live nearby and have a lovely social life and friends too and love my job, own house and adorable dappy lab!! I have no children of my own.

I am a runner and joined a runner club a few years ago and truly love the people there and its a huge part of my life, where I run 3 - 5 times a week with them, events too etc, I would be lost without them!!

All in all life is good, the one thing I have noticed whilst single is pretty much all the men have kids, as it is what it is, some have still young ones, older ones grown up, or teenagers where its still co parenting etc going on.

So, the problem I am kind of encountering and not too sure on the lifestyle, as this may be where I am struggling, is the fact that I love my running, fitness, skiing, outdoors and weekends away, Im very active. The men who have kids per say, I feel when it comes to weekends, they are asking to see their kids too with them, which is fine and this can be either every other weekend or most, but I am finding myself feeling somewhat, not bored but wanting to try different things, with just the man, not his child too...I still keep my life with my running club etc but find when with the men and their kids I am feeling very different in myself, like a little lost and resentful, I am a strong character so I do find myself saying no to meeting up with their child too, instead I see my family and friends and Im not too sure if this is a good thing but I like to keep a good balance etc. So its not all related to them and their family.

The men in the past I have dated long term, over 15 years who had no children, they were kind of selfish, free spirited and focused on themselves a lot. However I loved their life styles hence we stayed together a while,

I am drawn to these lovely family men too, as they put their children up there and look after them which is lovely to see and give them a lot of love, one looked after his son on his own for 5 years whilst working and I am noticing whilst dating this son may come first, so my thoughts are, is this something I need to accept as long as he is kind/caring to me but I wont always be first etc, but I make sure I still maintain my life/friends/happiness outside of him, otherwise for me, I may find his life with his children is too much, or do I find someone who is more like myself and can just go away weekends without the commitments at home and wait out for someone caring with same lifestyle?

I feel family life is lovely, dont get me wrong and stable too which is very refreshing, but I am not too sure at 48 I am wanting to be home all the time, would I be resentful - due to the fact I am in a place where I want more freedom and fun and activities outdoors and to travel to try new things...has anyone else dated men with kids, dont have kids, Im just interested to see what your thoughts are, as I may have to think about dating a man with kids if he is kind to me as this is rare at times in itself lol! - feeling confused over here!!

I noticed everything is very much tied up with their kids too, house, schools, where to be based, sometimes I think would it have been easier if I did have kids...lol! (Im probably over thinking it all, I guess I just want to get it right)

Thank you for reading :)

As a daughter of divorced parents, all I can say is I'm grateful you're asking yourself this question.
I wish half of the women my father dated had asked themselves this question.
And I'm going to shift your focus a bit. You're asking now what's best for you. You know what? You get a choice. You get a say in how you lead your life and who surrounds you.
You know who doesn't get a choice? The kids. They are completely powerless.

They don't get a say in who their father dates and the impact this person can have on their lives and their relationship with their father.
And let me assure you that these women can impact the way a child grows up, their sense of self worth, their confidence, their trust in others, sense of safety in the world, for the rest of their lives.

If you're not willing to be a positive, contributing factor to the children whose lives you're going to be impacting on by dating their father... Then stay out of their lives.
If your main focus is going to be: "how many of my needs can be fulfilled despite this man also being a father" rather than "how can I make sure that me dating their father can be a positive contribution to this childs life rather than a reason for them to miss out on having a loving and present father", then don't even go there. It's that simple.
Don't date men with kids.

Hbosh nailed it.

If the guy has kids & they don't come 1st then he's a dickhead, if you want to be with a dickhead that's your choice.

Having gone through a similar thing, I made the decision to not even consider any one with younger children.

Older more independent teenagers a little easier, less impact for the children and the adults. Even still, where to live and weekends and holidays were restricted, and rightly so.

Now, I wouldn’t even consider teens if they are still at home, complicates everything for everyone.

And I had an attitude going in accepting that the children come first and I do not want to disrupt their relationship with their parent.

With your attitude, kids will read you from a mile off and you will not be popular and you’re begging for fraught times.

Please don’t become THAT step mother type figure, it’s so avoidable, you are better suited to those free spirits without children, your description of them would also fit you very well I suspect.

I accepted I want to come first, and I can. I just need to leave happy families alone so those children can flourish.

There are millions...perhaps billions of single men without any children on this planet.

Find one without any children.

You don't have to settle for one who does.

“I am noticing whilst dating this son may come first, so my thoughts are, is this something I need to accept as long as he is kind/caring to me but I wont always be first etc, but I make sure I still maintain my life/friends/happiness outside of him,”

Bloody hell yes. This in spades. Of COURSE you should maintain your own life. Everyone should. Parents of all genders need to maintain their own sense of “self” - a man/woman in their own right and not just husband/wife, father/mother. Personally I think its really unhealthy to enmesh your lives so much you are joined at the hip and co-dependent on each other and only each other.

“Im probably over thinking it all, I guess I just want to get it right”

Yes you are over-thinking it. And get what right? Life?

I know I couldn’t become a “family unit”. I chose not to have children so I don’t want to take on somebody else’s. I don’t mind if anyone I date has children but I will not be “step”-parenting them. I don’t mind their children knowing I exist in their dad’s life. I don’t mind their children meeting me “in passing”. I don’t/won’t do “family dates/holidays” and if that means I see less of the guy then so be it. If that causes the ultimate demise of the relationship then so be it. I’ll maybe wallow in a bit of self-pity for a while and re-assess what it is I actually want, then off I go again. Living my life until I meet someone new.

I generally have the “I don’t do kids” conversation fairly early on tbh because I get that it can be a deal-breaker, for me, or the guy. And so be it if it is.

Ironically, the man I’m currently “sort of seeing a bit” has, not only children, but grandchildren. On the one hand; his children are all grown up and don’t need parenting anymore; on the other, he’s on grandad duties now. Bizarrely, I met his son prior to us starting to sort of see each other a bit. It’s really thrown me a curve-ball. I like it that we only see each other 2 or 3 times a month. We have loads to talk about when we do meet. It might develop into something. It might not. I’m just enjoying “right now”.

Childfree by choice
would never date a man with kids

they must look after their kids and I don't want any part of that.

Well it's never a great sign to bring you DC's on a date, unless you are at least 6 months in. Really, they should not be involving you in their kids lives until they think you are a long term prospect.
So, you can either date a man who sees them EOW and you get the other weekends, or if 50/50 it's not unreasonable to use babysitters for nights out. You see them less than someone childless, but it sounds like that could work for you so you can keep up with your own things.
Otherwise, date a man with older DC's or childless, particularly if you want holidays away with someone.

I previously dated a man with 3 kids whi he had 50% of the time
I did join in and did family stuff but i never found a comfortable place to fit in and i never ever came first. He told me i wouldnt come first . Now i have a child kf my own i definately understand that comment, but i think i expected to be equal of sometimes come first.

Anyway my advice for your scenario would be dont date men with kids. Its hard when you do like the kids and want to fit in.

It's right for a man with children to put them first, and you're right in thinking that you shouldn't expect otherwise as long as he is kind and respectful towards you.

I think it's normal to feel a tiny bit resentful that he always has to think about them and can't be as free or spontaneous as a child free person. It sounds like you react by stepping back a bit and spending time with your friends/family/job/hobby, which is fine. If you ever find yourself wanting the man to choose between you and his kids in some way then it would be better to date someone without kids.

The only way I would date someone with kids is if we were both looking for something that kept our lives separate.

See each other, go on dates and nice weekends but no blending, definitely not moving in together or marriage and probably not meeting the kids at all.

Even then you're at the mercy of plans changing and you getting let down. Absolutely reasonable and right that the kids come first but it's not something I want to get involved with.

If I had a full life otherwise and wasn't looking for a long term commitment that would probably suit me ok but otherwise I'd keep looking.

I will never date a man with children. Not because I won't come first - being the centre of someone's world would suffocate me anyway. But because I have absolutely no interest in them whatsoever. My weekends are for nice food, wine and relaxation. Not football matches, dance classes and baking cakes. It would bore the living shit out of me. It wouldn't be fair on anyone.

lol and that is my issue, its being bored as like you, my weekends are precious as I work hard in the week so that weekend is about downtime for myself and my partner!!

OP, if the man is a nice one his kids will come always first. You need to accept this. Weekend are likely to revolve around them at least two weekends a month. Plus the rest of the time they spend together. In a 50/50 custody arrangement, that man will spending 15 days a month with them and the other 15 days thinking about them in some occasions. They get sick, they need something else etc.... etc.

Kids are a blessing but a huge responsibility.

If you like your lifestyle as it is, I think you won't be happy with someone that doesn't have the similar life style, goals etc as you.

There are men who don't have childs and don't want child's. Maybe that is a better choice for you.

There are men who have children and don't give a dime about them. Avoid them like you will avoid a Pest.

If you like your life I would say don’t date a man with kids.

You say you are attracted to men who do have kids because you like that they are family oriented. Except you don’t like that theirs will be focused on the family. You just like the concept. You want someone who shows caring qualities but without kids.

It’s like someone saying they really like the idea of dating someone sporty. They date you then don’t like that you go running 3-5 times a week plus events as eats up into too much of your time together. They like the idea of dating someone sporty, but not the reality of someone who is really into their sport.

If someone dated you, knowing how much you run and said they really liked that quality. Then they said they didn’t like how much you focused on it, how you work your week around etc the relationship would be over and you would be wondering why they dated you in the first place knowing your running was non negotiable.

Also I have kids. Well one adult kid and one teenager. I wouldn’t date someone with kids. I have no interest in working my life around someone’s else kids.

and if someone didn’t want to date me because I have kids, that’s really ok too. Genuinely ok. I can understand it.

It’s really ok to not date someone because they have kids. If it’s not for you, it’s not for you.

Not football matches, dance classes and baking cakes

I couldn't stand that either and I have 2 children. Thank god they showed no interest.

@Hbosh spot on! great post

Sorry but sounds like you need to keep away from men with kids because a decent man should put his children first at all times

I think family life isn't for you so it’s best to date a man with no children. The problem is that these men are often selfish, which is why they don’t have families.

I dated a few older men like this when I was younger for a bit of fun. It sounds like you already have a great life so it might be a case of accepting you’re unlikely to meet a life partner because, you actually don’t want one and like being a free spirit yourself!

You have completely different life styles as you have allready said, they can't adapt to your child free lifestyle so it's upto you to adapt to they're family lifestyle, this means making all of the compromises and sacrifices usually and if you don't then you will be considered selfish and horrible and if you go off an do fun adult things resentment will build up, it's alot better just staying single or only dating people with out children, unless you want to give up the things you enjoy in life like your running in order to do family days out/holidays and not to mention longer term living tin a house with someone else and they're children, all things your need to think about when dating someone with kids

It does change as kids get older. The older teen years are easier not to be emotionally tied in, it's mostly logistics - lifts, money, their already established commitments.
Younger kids take up more headroom - guiding them, entertainment, stimulation.
I've got older teens - 18 &16, can see my headspace getting bigger all the time. I'm feeling way past even the tween stage and have no desire to step 'backwards'