Do you have good boundaries? How does that play out?

[RedSquigglyLine]

I’m currently in therapy which is helping me realise just how poor my boundaries are with people in general, but particularly with men. We’re exploring the reasons why (childhood trauma, modelling on my passive mother and abusive relationships).

My self esteem is improving and I now know that I don’t have to put other people’s feelings or opinions before my own and that I don’t owe anything to the men who flirt/chase me. I’m getting more used to the idea of asking myself what I think about people above what they think of me. But still, I’m struggling to know how to put this into practice. I would really appreciate advice on what enforcing boundaries actually looks like so I’ll give a couple of examples I’m struggling with…

Earlier this year I met a youngish man through a family member and just recently he’s started messaging me a lot and dropping hints that he likes me. I think he’s nice enough but he’s much too young for me and I feel it’s too complicated with him being Connected to my family. He’s just asked me if I want to go for a drink with him sometime and I’m not sure what to say as he’s made a big thing of us being ‘friends’ and he might not actually mean it as a date. So I don’t want to be presumptuous but equally don’t want to lead him on. What would be a boundaried way of dealing with this please?

The second concerns a FWB I’ve known a few years. We’re genuinely friends (I’m not in love with him), I trust him and the sex is great plus our level
of contact suits me. However, he was recently supposed to be visiting me but needed to pop to his friends house first resulting in him switching his phone off, then waking me in the early hours of the morning asking if he could still come over. I vented at him then blocked him and haven’t spoken to him since. I was feeling really proud of myself and like I was finally enforcing my boundaries. But when I told my counsellor, she got me thinking about whether our setup still suits me and suggested that I could still choose to keep seeing him if it’s what I want. Thing is, I really do want to keep seeing him because I get a lot from our relationship (even if it is casual) but I don’t want to be disrespected like that, particularly a man as this is the sort of behaviour I’ve routinely put up with over the years (by other men, this is first time he’s done anything like this in 6 years). His birthday is coming up and I’m not sure whether to get in contact with him. How would a person with strong boundaries handle this situation please?

Sorry this is so long but I’d be really grateful for any help and advice.

With the first one I’d be straight to the point-yep, happy to
Meet for a drink, nowt funny going to happen though I would say. And if he tried anything, there would be no next drink.
second one I would give a chance to and say ‘you disrespected me and crossed my boundary. My boundary is if you don’t come round when you say you’re going to, there won’t be a next time’ and if he does it again, make there be no next time.

And make it clear you’re goving second one a chance because you like him and your relationship rhat you have.

I’d love to read answers to this. My boundary with my own family is NC due to childhood abuse. DH’s father is extremely physically and emotionally abusive so we are NC with him too. Boundaries are tricky I’d love to hear some ideas.

I think the second one is both a friend ( so you can get a present/ card) and a sexual relationship ( don’t be expecting a bootie call). The two have separate boundaries.

First one just be honest. It doesn’t sound like you are bothered with him so just say no to a drink. Tell him thanks but you don’t think it’s a good idea because he’s family and very young .

Just be straightforward. With 1, 'I'd love to meet for a drink as friends yes, but not a romantic date, in case that's what you meant' With 2, 'I was upset when you did xyz, and won't stand for that on a repeat basis. When are you next free?' and if he does it again, tell him you warned him, and it's over.

Apart from heinous errors, give people one chance. If they cross a boundary, it might be because they didn't realise you'd mind, or a misunderstanding. Tell them, once, where your boundary is. If they cross it again, once it's clearly stated, that's plain disrespect, and you walk away. No drama. Just stop the relationship.

Thanks for the advice everyone. I really appreciate it.

Situation 1: I’m still avoiding messaging him back. I thought about asking if he means just as friends? I don’t like rejecting people as I know how much it stings so I’m procrastinating.

Situation 2: I messaged him this morning and he’s not responded. He does sometimes take a while to message back but not usually this long. Think I have my answer.

I’m sorry to hear that. You do sound like you have good boundaries though.

I am NC / LC with various family members.

How I approach boundaries is I ask myself, after spending time with someone, do I:

feel full of energy?
feel drained?

Thanks @Crushed23. That’s a good way to think of it. I’m going to pay closer attention to how I feel after spending time with people. I think the difficulty for me is that I have social anxiety so I focus heavily on my own behaviour following interactions and often feel neutral about people until I get to know them really well. What do you do once you’ve decided you feel sapped by people? I think I’m good at knowing when a boundary has been crossed but I then don’t know what to do with those feeling and will often just bury them and continue as before.

I finally messaged the guy asking if he meant as friends and he clarified that he did. Now feeling stupid for maybe misreading him. Feeling down about my FWB too. Cancelled my plans this evening as I’m feeling so down and rejected today.

I finally messaged the guy asking if he meant as friends and he clarified that he did. Now feeling stupid for maybe misreading him.

But you really don't need to feel stupid. Good communication (on both your parts!) to clarify ambiguity is a healthy thing. It's not stupid to misread someone. It's more stupid to be uncertain, but never communicate to find out. He is not going to think worse of you for it! If it was the other way round and you were clarifying you just wanted to be friends, would you think he was stupid?

As for having good boundaries... I think I have them, and it probably comes from being ultimately a bit selfish. I am not a fan of unnecessarily doing things I don't want to do in life and seek to minimise them. Boundaries flow quite naturally from that.