I have a fever and DH has gone out on a jolly after riling up the kids

[KCSIE]

He's been away for almost 3 weeks with work (and been able to tag on visiting friends in the locale at the same time), he's come back, and now is straight out on a jolly. Kids are 3yo and 7m. When he got back from his trip he left a massive pile of washing outside our laundry cupboard. I ignored it. He moved it inside the laundry cupboard. I ignored it. Even my 3yo knows to put their clothes in the laundry basket at the end of the day. He asked why I hadn't done his washing. I told him because the washing basket was empty. Arse.

I'm so tired and run down I can't even think straight and left my bag on the bus earlier. I'm running a fever and ache to the core. He riled up the 3yo and made all sorts of promises about outings that I would take them on today (whilst ill, in the sodding rain). Then he went on his jolly. Did I mention I am unwell?

He's in the spare room tonight. No help with baby night wakings is better than expecting help with baby night wakings and receiving none.

I know there is a lot of underlying resentment. I'm not going to drip feed the rest of my 'he's a knob' woes. There's too many! I probably should LTB.

Just need to vent. Send hot chocolate and hot water bottles.

Do you work or are you FT at home with the kids? It sounds like he’s viewing you as in charge of all domestic & parenting duties.

(He sounds like a knob)

Part time as I didn't want to loose my career. Could have afforded not to work and be a SAHM but chose not to to keep some independence. I do feel like I carry the entire mental load. That in itself is exhausting.

I'm going to have a hot chocolate and an early night I think. Thanks for being gentle with me.

I think you should definitely use this incident to have a Come To Jesus moment about mental load, fair share of domestic load and being a committed parent and partner. I hope he’s not actually a knob, and listens.

Feel better soon

Get that early night OP. Take a step back from your emotions for a while until you feel better physically.

Meanwhile look after yourself and your children - he can do his own shit.

When you are well then it's time to think and act.

Fuck that shit

get better and get the fuck out
leave him with the kids for 48 hours
and have some selfish time

are you working and earning ? Or able to ?

If he's likely to be hungover I'd rile the kids up tomorrow with "isn't it amazing daddy's back, he can play with you all day, I bet he's really missed you" and then tell him you are really ill and go back to bed.
Tosser. He's got too used to living in a hotel.

Hope you feel better in the morning. What was life like the 3 weeks he was away?

You’ve been together eighteen years but 16 of those years were without children. Now in quick succession you have had two children 2 and 7 months. It seems like he didn’t do the same amount of maturing you did in those 26 years and he does nit seem committed to his new job as a father and the husband to the mother of his children. He isn’t interested in playing a supportive role. Even if he thought he wanted children and chose to have them with you he basically seems to have regressed to a resentful teenager whose girlfriend got accidentally pregnant.

That’s an awfully spiteful thing to say to an ill stranger with two little kids. He sounds like a pig with the laundry but we have no idea how they communicate their needs or feel about each other.

Have you talked to him about this before? His lack of support, lack of sympathy, lack of effort and dire attempts at being a father/partner?

Why is it spiteful? Im just restating the facts? What does this have to do with “communication “? Does an adult human not know how to take care of a sick partner?

Keep telling yourself that. I’m astounded Mumsnet allows so many vicious nasty projections about how other marriages should break up yesterday when small children are involved. It’s easy to see that she needs to communicate her feelings more, or he wouldn’t have gone out, if his family is loving. And she needs to know why he feels he can take advantage. No one respects a doormat. Be careful what you say so confidently when you have very little information and only divisiveness to add. I’m sure OP would rather save her marriage than not.

Hm…I take your point but OP is not some kind of puppet who can’t make up her mind how to evaluate poster’s comments. Why do you assume she is going to be stampeded into a divorce? I don’t.

In addition it has been my experience that people usually do what they want to do. OP’s DH is responsible for his choices and their impact on his partner. She has been with this man for years! This is not a new relationship and he is not young and inexperienced. If OP doesn’t like his behavior then its on her to change the situation—his behavior works for him but not for her. I don’t, personally, think its an issue of communication since they have been together a long time, he’s not a child, and parenting responsibilities are not some arcane secret.