I don’t believe my boyfriend loves me due to trauma

[pipsqueak7]

Not diagnosed but I suspect I have CPTSD from a childhood of constantly being put down and me withholding my personality for the longest time.

I have a lovely boyfriend. He’s supportive, caring, kind and he says he loves me all the time. We’re over a year in now, and I get upset because the messages have become so much less flirty and affectionate. He used to text me spontaneous things saying how much he’s thinking of me, how much I make him happy, how lucky he is etc. Now it feels more scripted and routinely if that makes sense? Like “love you very much” and “see you soon, miss you x” not as spontaneous or rambly or affectionate.
DP becomes upset when I tell him this, saying that he sees me every day now and if I want those messages back, we’d have to go back to not seeing each other every day and he doesn’t want to do that. He shows his love in other way such as cuddles and support and says “relationships evolve”.

in my head, I don’t believe someone as lovely as him actually adores me that much. I’ve been through a lot in the last year, I’ve had some panic attacks and breakdowns and I genuinely don’t believe someone could still love me after seeing all that. Like he’s only here for convenience or because he feels bad or I’m trapping him. He insists this isn’t true and he loves me more than ever. There’s always a part of me that doesn’t believe it.

He plays sport on the weekend and often, he texts me throughout to update me on what’s going on. This weekend, he didn’t much. He said he was engrossed in the game, sitting with his team mates and he would update me when he came home. I became really upset, saying he cares about me less because he used to text me during games, and it must be true that he’s only with me for convenience and doesn’t automatically want to talk to me like he used to.
I know how irrational this is and I felt so bad afterwards. But it’s like my body reacts to things like this and just confirms that I’m unloveable.

I am so lucky that he’s still here with me showing me love every day and I really don’t want to ruin it. He says I think I’m so much worse than I actually am, that most of the time we have amazing days and that it’s ok for me to sometimes be sad and we can work through it together.

What can I do to save this? I don’t want to keep ruining his days and I want to believe and trust him. He’s lovely. I’m on the waiting list for CBT at the moment.

Honestly, I would recommend therapy. Having experienced similar childhood trauma, like yourself, therapy will help you understand that the way you view yourself is not true and not your fault. I remember reading somewhere that CBT isn’t the most effective way to treat CPTSD (unfortunately I have this too), EDMR is supposed to be amazing though and it’s something I plan on doing now that my therapy has finished up, for now. Your boyfriend sounds like a really nice guy, and you do too, you deserve him and you deserve to be happy.

Thank you so much, that’s so sweet. What does EDMR consist of and how did you get on with therapy if you don’t mind me asking? @junebugalice xx

I’ll mention as well that this has really flared up in the last few months. And when I met DP I was in a really good place, really confident and fun. I’m worried he’s just waiting for me to be like that again

Sorry, it’s EMDR 🙈 it’s to do with eye movement and people find it very helpful when dealing with trauma as you don’t have to talk about the events if you don’t want to. That’s my understanding of it anyway! It’s something that I think would help me now at my stage of recovery.

it sounds like your anxiety is trying to get you to deal with these issues by coming up now. For years, I believed I was a happy person, a person who could be anxious but in general a happy person. Then the panic attacks started, I hadn’t had one in about 10 years. I knew for the sake of my kids I had to get this sorted, I always knew I would benefit from therapy and I did. It was the best thing I ever did for myself, very hard work and emotionally draining but so worth it x

That must be so stressful for you!
Definately worth getting it seen too.

Just incase, have you looked into borderline personality disorder? It would also explain the extreme feeling of 'he's going to abandon me' just because he's not meeting the standard of when you first got together if lovey-dovieness.

Cptsd is possible too but...maybe it would also present itself in other ways too.

Bpd is a result of childhood trauma and centres round the fear of not being lovable/abandonment.

Might be with raising both with a gp first and taking it from there.

Both are treatable.

I know you've mentioned being on a list for CBT, but honestly - you need support or you will push him away. Wanting him to msg like he did at the start is very needy and speaks to deeper issues.

Is there an EAP at your work? Could you investigate what therapy might be affordable for you?

He sounds nice and you do too, but you need help to move forward. Like previous poster has said, you deserve to be happy - and loved. Invest if you can.

@pipsqueak7 I'm going to say something in the next paragraph that's going to sound really mean. That's not what I'm intending, I'm not trying to insult you, or make you feel bad. I'm just making a statement of fact. OK, here goes:

A relationship with you sounds like hard work.

Go back and read your OP with that in mind. I'm guessing you'd probably agree.

Now, given that a relationship with you is hard work, what on earth makes you think its convenient, or easy for your boyfriend. There's nothing convenient about having to deal with a girlfriend who got upset because he didn't text during football.

In which case he must be sticking around because he loves you, because he cares for you.

You're not well at the moment, and you've already taken the most important steps in fixing that. You have an awareness that you're ill, that you're looking at the world in an unhealthy way, and you've got yourself on a waiting list for therapy in order to help with that. Unfortunately you're now in a bit of a holding pattern until that happens. But until you get there, the firmest proof that you have that your boyfriend is telling you the truth, that he really does care about you, is that he's still there. He's putting in the hard work because he thinks it's worth it.

"He plays sport on the weekend and often, he texts me throughout to update me on what’s going on. This weekend, he didn’t much. He said he was engrossed in the game, sitting with his team mates and he would update me when he came home."

Sorry to be straight here but most of us , regular men anyway, would see this as a red flag and it will do nothing but push us away. If you want to be updated that much, go to the games yourself