Ended my 5 year relationship

[CT96]

I met my partner in 2018. When I met him he was in debt and also had a gambling problem (I didn’t know about this). Looking back I feel like he did use me for my credit score, literally. I have took out a total of 10 loans for him. Despite this these loans were not enough to cover his debt. He declared bankruptcy. I had that many loans going out that we consolidated them into one which ends in June 2024.

fast forward to 2020, we moved in together. He didn’t gamble but I found out he did every single Christmas. He is absolutely terrible with money and never saves before Xmas and panics and feels the need to gamble. He has manipulated me so much with it over the years and he has gotten us into trouble with money- which we have recovered from. In 2021 I suffered a miscarriage at 13 weeks. This brought us really close and we decided to try for another baby. 5 months later I was pregnant & my daughter was born in April 22. since my daughter has turned one, I noticed his temper is awful. He has called our daughter horrible names such as a little rat, c*nt & spaz. He has also smashed my cooker up because our daughter was crying. 4 days before smashing my cooker, he broke mg decking rail outside-
due to his anger. This was when I ended things with him in my head. My feelings aren’t valid to him, he makes himself the victim constantly. He does nothing for me or our daughter. He hasn’t bought a single piece of clothing for her since I was pregnant, not even a pack of nappies. He has not contributed a penny to her Christmas presents either. He is happy for me to do absolutely everything. I am currently 22 weeks pregnant. Last 2 months he has been gambling on scratch cards and has maxed 2 credit cards out buying them. He doesn’t contribute towards childcare because he is a smoker he can’t afford it. I only work 15 hours per week, and I literally have no idea how I make ends meet, but I do.

4 nights ago he come clean and says he’s in debt again and can’t afford the repayments & can I help. I ended our relationship, saying he’s been thinking about killing himself. I really can’t fall down this rabbit hole again with him considering we have another child on the way in 4 months! I have chosen to look out for me and my babies. I have resented him for quite sometime now, and I thought I could live like this but I can’t. It’s dragging me down and I never have money because of him. I really think he needs to hit rock bottom and help himself. My mum & dad have given him £100s to help out and he’s done this AGAIN. He does not help himself so I give up.

the guilt of ending things is completely eating me up. Did I do the right thing? Would you have done the same?

he keeps saying he’s going to change but I really don’t think he will. I just wanted him to be a better man. How do I deal with this guilt?

OMG he’s abusive never mind the gambling problem the fact he calls your daughter such disgusting names should have ignited an anger in you like nothing else!!!

kick him out and leave him out don’t go back to him, do you know one day he could hurt your daughter the way he smashed up your items???!!

made my stomach flip reading your post, he’s a leach and a drain on you don’t go back to him.

did you say babies??? Are you pregnant as well as having your little one?

talk to woman’s aid and open up to your parents what he’s said and done.

you need to work on your self esteem tbh because the fact your considering if you’ve done the right thing after what he’s said to your daughter and his vile temper screams volumes.

You harden your heart to him. He's done nothing but fuck you over again and again. He's not going to change. You'll ruin your life if you stay with him and your kids' lives.

You need to keep reminding yourself your guilt is completely misplaced.

He's the one who is abusive, who gets himself into debt, who is a terrible partner.

He's an adult man who chose to behave like this. He's the author of his own misfortunes and enabling him doesn't help him or teach him anything, he just does the same shit again and again.

You'll be far better off without him dragging you down with him, and you & your dc deserve better.

You have nothing to feel guilty about.

He has plenty.

You have absolutely done the right thing. It's going to be hard but think of the relief of not having to worry about whether he is gambling or not, and not walking on eggshells (I'm assuming here having lived with someone with addiction problems for a few months and a personality disorder, and I just felt so uncomfortable in my own home).

Of course you did the right thing. He is never going to change, NEVER.

Protect your daughter and yourself from this man dragging you down. You will be debt free soon and can stay that way if you don't have him getting you to take out loans.

Well done on ending it. Don't let him move back in.

You absolutely did the right thing. He has treated you terribly. You are not responsible for him and his life - he is a grown adult, he can manage his own life. you are responsible for yourself and your kids and you'll be some much happier and better off without this idiot dragging you down.

This a 100 % 💐💐💐

I know it's easy for me to say, but I would have ended it the moment he called your daughter those vile names.

The only guilt you should feel is for the time you’ve wasted since the first decision to get a loan to help him financially and to be in a relationship with him. The other guilt you should consider is future guilt for your children- you owe them their future without him - get rid of him your life will be so much better - there’s nothing nice about him from what you’ve posted

You feel guilty??? are you bonkers. reread what you have written. he is a user. he is using you. he is nasty and abusive, a gambler, a shit father, a shit partner and he plays that trump card that he might kill himself.

Cut him right out of your life and concentrate on your children and yourself. you dont have to take his nonsense any longer you really really dont. No one would have stayed as long as you have.

You and the children are not his priority you havent been for years and sorry to say you never will be.

You are a strong woman. you have kept going despite him trying to derail you at every turn. you have kept a roof over your heads and not got into any debt yourself. everytime you are tempted to give him another chance, print this post off and reread it. No one literally no one would have put up with him for as long as you have. give yourself a chance at a good life you deserve it.

Don't feel guilty for leaving him. Feel relieved because he won't be draining and dragging you and your kids anymore.

It shows what a number he has done on you that you are feeling guilty. You would have to be insane to continue this relationship.

Believe me that’s what drew the line for me. I’ve just found it hard getting the words out x

Thank you so much everyone I am literally in tears reading all the responses. I really needed to hear all of those things.

i am already relieved he is gone. I’m nervous but I am strong & so independent. I cannot carry a 32 year old man any longer than I have.

Thank you all so much xx

Please do the freedom program. message me direct and i'll give you my link to it if you want.

You have 10000000% done the right thing here. Well done, congratulations and go you. You are a hero honestly.

@CT96 thats the thing you get so bonded by their trauma and bad behaviour of them being an addict you convince yourself that if you help them and make their lives easier they will change and things will get better but all it does is enable them to use you for everything you have and they think they can treat you however they like because they think you won’t leave them.

stay strong, just think to yourself would you want your little girl to ever be with someone like him. If you go back to him that’s the example you will be setting her, so leave him where he is.

I hope you weren’t the one to pay back the loans you took out for him, I have a feeling that’s the case.

You need legal advice to separate this man financial from your life.

This was shit from the start so the writing was always on the wall with it.
Despite his issues, you've gone on to have 2 children with him. Might help to look at why you did that? Was it the hope that fatherhood would change him? Despite him already showing you that he is awful to your first born, you have another on the way, so not even him calling your first some awful names was enough to stop you, not even smashing things in anger. Best thing you can do now is keep him at a distance from your next born.
Until you can unpick why you chose him as a father and partner and stuck by him, you are at risk of doing a repeat with someone else in the future. Don't become an attepted fixer and saviour of men, it never works, that is what outside agencies are for.

Kick him out, never let him back and don't have a third child with this liability.

@Opentooffers

i had a baby with him in hopes he would become a better man but he is just what his own dad is. Even though his dad was never around for him I thought he would be a good dad and sort his life out.

he called my daughter those names 5 weeks ago so I was already pregnant which was from honestly a drunken night.

I’ve had a history of miscarriage so termination wasn’t even an option for me as I know I can offer my kids the love & supprt they need throughout their life.

I was smitten by him in the early days, and in my early 20’s I was quite obviously naive. He is a narc, manipulative & persuasive which is why I’ve been with him longer than I should have. I will never be with a man like him, hell I don’t even want another man.