Help me prepare to leave alcoholic partner

[Dawndayda]

My partner is an alcoholic. He always drank but it has taken on a different level now where it's become apparent that he can't not drink. He drinks every night, I can count on one hand the number of nights in the last year that he hasn't had a drink. Up until recently it hasn't massively affected his personality, he's not an aggressive or abusive drunk, but recently he has started having mood swings, being more irritable during the day when he's not drinking and I know it's connected.

I have literally pleaded with him and tried to talk to him in every way to get him to stop, sometimes he has said he would but it never lasts. We have two very young children together and if I thought he would genuinely try, I would support him so we can keep our family together, but he's not trying and I can't have them grow up in this. I can't have them seeing this as normal. We have a 6 month old and on the first night we brought her home from the hospital he drank a bottle of champagne a neighbour gave us, then his usual beers, and was out cold all night. I was up holding a screaming newborn in one arm and a crying toddler in another, with blood running down my legs because I had bled through my pad and wasn't able to change it. I just stood, crying, bouncing them trying to somehow calm them while he lay there passed out. I hoped when I told him the next morning it might somehow jolt him into realising what his drinking is doing, it didn't. There are many other instances like this but this one will always stick in my head.

It's not your average situation though as we also have my partner's children from a previous relationship, my stepkids, full time. If I leave, their world will unravel and I will be separating my own children from their siblings and leaving them with their alcoholic father. I feel genuinely awful about it (im pretty positive they will end up living with my partner's mum if I leave) and have considered saying I would take them too but I don't think I could cope with them plus my own children on my own, plus it would only give him more freedom to drink himself to death. I feel like if he is ever to stand any chance of getting better I need to leave, and leave without giving him any of the get outs that enable him to keep going. He's not ever going to do it while I'm here making sure everything is okay and being the cushion to the effects of his drinking.

My plan is to leave after Christmas. I want to make it as happy and settled as possible for the children and then will leave sometime in the new year. My family are aware and very supportive. I know it seems daft though but I don't really know where to start... I was thinking of beginning to prep our house to be put on the market (he couldn't afford to buy me out and I don't want to stay here- my family and friends are all 3 hours away so I will be moving back there) but beyond that I don't really know... we don't have shared finances and aren't married. I would be happy for him to see the kids but no overnights obviously (he doesn't drink in the daytime, just the evenings, obviously if this changed then so would contact conditions). Does anyone have any advice?

This is for the best for you and your children. I can't imagine what you have been going through.

How long has he been drinking every night?

You need to report him to social services. If you separate he might well want your child to stay with him overnight at some point and the court can order this if you refuse without what they constitute a good reason, allegations of alcohol abuse and you've left him with his kids but not good enough or safe for you and your baby is a huge betrayal to the step kids and won't make you look good in court. Keep evidence of his drunkness, videos, texts, receipts, photos.

When you don't live together you won't know if he isn't getting pissed with the children and if he is working he might well push for overnight. Alcoholism tends to progress and get worse, with spikes in use whenever there is a stressful event, reporting him to social services might make him take it more seriously and arrange a plan for the children and support for their dad.

It started during lockdown, we didn't have my stepkids living with us then and didn't have our own children. Everyone I knew was drinking far more than usual then so it didn't seem the end of the world. When he went back to work he stopped initially so I thought it was just lockdown drinking which many people I knew had done, and I fell pregnant then shortly after that we got my stepsons. It gradually creeped up since we've had them. It hasn't been easy, through no fault of theirs, and I think that he was using alcohol as a crutch and it's led to an addiction. My second pregnancy was unplanned and I think it definitely got worse after that (or maybe I was just seeing it more) as he went back to an old job which makes better money but is a very dysfunctional environment, basically everyone he works with has some form of addiction whether gambling, alcohol, drugs. I've asked him to leave and find another job but he says we can't afford it financially when in reality I think he likes that he doesn't feel guilty about his drinking there because they are all just as bad, if not worse.

I've considered this but apart from the fact that there is no evidence (he doesn't get so drunk that I could video anything or that it's obvious in messages, he's a functioning alcoholic right now so it wouldn't be obvious to many people that don't know him) I work closely with the social work team through my own job and know that they would not have concerns about him drinking at the level he does around my step-children based on their age (due to reports I've had to make myself about children I work with and meetings aimed been privy to). We live in a small area with a small social work team so I know most of them professionally, they would log my concerns and that would be it. I know that my step-children aren't in any immediate danger from him, they are older and like I say, he is functioning, but it's not a healthy environment. My worry for them would be more that when I leave, he will unravel and that's when it will go beyond functioning. I don't want them to see that or be around for that and so I would hope that his mum would step in. I have seriously thought about if I could take them with me, apart from anything so I can keep them and my children together as siblings, but I would need ro move 3 hours away to be with my support network, which would be taking them from their friends and family.

Right now, with how young my children are, I know that he wouldn't try to have them overnight so I have time with that.

I doubt very much he would continue to see his children very often due to his employment and the fact he seeing them would also interfere with his drinking time. Also you’re planning to move back to your hometown which is three hours away from him so how would your kids see him?.

I would seek legal advice asap regarding all aspects of separating from him.

Could your stepchildren return to their mother?.

He may well be functioning for now but the wheels will come off at some stage if they are not already. What you’re in is not a healthy environment for you, let alone these children. And if it is at all possible to go before Christmas I would do so, Christmas is but two days after all and I would also think you’ve all seen more than enough already.

If he unravels further when you leave that is not your problem. His own mother is probably glad that he is off her hands because you’re currently with him. She likely enabled him too but enabling only gives a false sense of control. Read about codependency in relationships and see how much of this has related to your own behaviour in this relationship.

This is something we would need to work out, I would be happy to take the children to meet him halfway at weekends. I don't want to stop them having a relationship, I just don't want them affected by his drinking. I know from seeing how he has dealt with his ex and my stepchildren that despite being an alcoholic, when it comes to the kids he is very reasonable and I do hope that we can manage to sort something out around seeing them amicably.

I wouldn't count on being able to move back 3 hours away - he could get a prohibited steps order to stop you. It's a helluva way for the children to travel to see him and vice versa.

You can’t win with an alcoholic.
you didn’t cause this
you can’t control this
you can’t cure this.

Alcohol intolerance changes and causes huge problems, my ex-h could flip into anger and rage, he put my life at risk a couple of times.
How you get away with small children I don’t know. You can contact AlAnon for support and Womens Aid. I would say leave as soon as you can as it can get worse and worse.

Leave before Christmas. Before the end of the week would be even better. That way, he won't destroy another one for your children.

And give yourself a shake about his two. He'll drink himself into a stupor when he's alone with them, so they'll either need to go to another relative or into care for their own safety and wellbeing - don't ever think that they should be used to 'keep him sober' because they won't, not anymore than your newborn, toddler and your postnatal bleeding did. They cannot be sacrificed in pursuit of an impossible goal. So you'll need to contact Social Services to let them know.

They would genuinely be worse off with their own mum than with him, even with the drinking, hence why I have thought about whether they could come with me.

I understand what you're saying about Christmas but I know his patterns and I know we will be okay and it will be better for the children this way. If I do it before Christmas I think it would traumatise my stepchildren and change their memories and feelings around Christmas forever. I know they are going to be devastated when I leave because we have a strong relationship and I will be leaving with their siblings. I want us to have a nice Christmas as a family, I know we can do that as the wheels haven't come off yet but I know I need to leave because they will.

And yes, I've looked into co-dependency and I know I am definitely co-dependent. When I realised this I started going to therapy and that is what has helped me get to this stage to know that I need to leave.

I would prepare for him not being amicable when it comes to you leaving or he paying maintenance for his children. He is not going to be at all reliable as a parent going forward to his children because his primary relationship is with drink.

He and his drinking are all part of the same package, one does not exist without the other. These children and you are already affected by his drinking, trying to protect them from his alcoholism whilst you are all under the same roof is impossible. Alcoholism is not called the family disease without good reason, all family members are affected.

I know that he won't do this. He knows that if (and now when) I leave I will be going back there.

I think you must have misunderstood something I've written because in no way do I think they will keep him sober or that they should be sacrificed. My hope would be to come to an arrangement with their grandmother, my point was just that I am well aware through many many experiences in my professional line of work that the social work team here would not deem him a danger or be overly concerned, but that doesn't mean that it's not a concern, just that their threshold is disgustingly high.

I'm not worried about him paying maintenance as he paid far more than he needed to to his ex before he was given custody but even if he doesn't, I am in a stable line of work and could support us okay. We won't be rich but we'll get by. I do expect that there will be certain aspects that aren't amicable, I've been divorced before, although with no children, so I know how it can turn so whilst I want to hope for the best in terms of our relationship moving forward, I also do want to prepare for the worst but without catastrophising.

I rang social services about my ex husband and they could not have been less interested
Unfortunately it's one of those things where something bad has to happen before anything can be done
You can try and drag him through court over custody but you only have your word for it
I'm in the same boat and it's very difficult

Did you leave?