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Original poster

How to handle friendship group now

19 replies

johnnybongos · 06/12/2023 17:28

So I’m wondering on how best I can make the best/look after myself with a difficult friendship dynamic in a group where it’s difficult for me to leave.

So there’s a group of circa 7 women who have all been friends for circa 15-20 years. In the last 5 years, I felt like one of the women called Amy became slightly cool with me. Nothing major though and so I put it down to different personalities (we are very different). Then after a while I noticed the same coolness (prob slightly more if anything) from the other two Beth and Cathy.

It’s not like outright hostility but they wouldn’t really acknowledge any key events in my life like having recently had a new baby whereas they would do with others, they generally strike up v little conversation with me in group settings, our texts don’t go anywhere and if say I organise something for the group (or otherwise do something which might be objectively seen as positive) they Wouldn’t acknowledge it or offer any thanks. Not that I need the acknowledgment or thanks it’s just that they very much do it for others.

I really value and enjoy the friendships with the other three women. And tbf they to an extent have acknowledged the coolness with the others but it’s not something we talk about in great detail. And not really something I want to bring up.

I’m just trying to work out how to navigate this dynamic. Being at these group events isn’t great at all for my self esteem and I get quite nervous before them. However if I duck out of them I think Inwill be seen as the issue or sulky. And whilst I do see my good friends one on one or in small groups, I feel like if I too frequently seek to organise things with the three I am really good friends with then I will be seen to be (or indeed will be) the one excluding the others.

I don’t want to sacrifice these good friendships but also Im not sure how I can best take care of myself in this situation.

OP posts:

Snorkmaidenn · 06/12/2023 17:35

How about you ask Amy if she has a problem with you? It might of been for a reason that you are unaware of and then you can rectify this and get back on track with your friendship hopefully.

nottaotter · 06/12/2023 17:35

Can I ask if you are a quieter person who does more listening than talking? I find in any group there is one person who others think will 'take' this passive aggressive behaviour, one person starts it and some others follow.

I would most likely step back and find new friends, the coolness and not acknowledging a major thing like you had a baby is a kind of bullying I think. And I don't say that lightly, I am a pretty tough cookie and not much phases me.

rileyy · 06/12/2023 17:36

You need to actually ASK them if there is an issue and state your reasons why you perceive that there is one.
Just a calm, fact-finding conversation. I don’t really think it’s emotionally sustainable for you to put yourself through constant social awkwardness in an attempt not to ‘rock the boat.’ You’ve known these women for 15 years…just ask them what the problem is…

Marionberry · 06/12/2023 17:47

What’s changed circumstance wise? I used to get on fine with my SIL and another mate until I had DS. They both wanted children and have never been quite the same with me.

Peoples lives follow trajectories wanted and most definitely not wanted courses. Some will hide their feelings of jealousy, sadness or whatever and some can’t.

Original poster

johnnybongos · 06/12/2023 17:52

@Marionberry circumstance wise almost identical, one of the friends Beth can’t have children and her closest friend Cathy recently acknowledged she had distanced some of her friendships out of loyalty to her (without referencing me). But the Beth has be okay with another woman who had a baby in the group. But that may be as Amy is due to have a baby soon so the past approach might not work…

And to a PP yes I probably am one of the quieter ones

OP posts:

Theblacksheepandme · 06/12/2023 17:57

I tend to always ask when someone appears to have a problem with me. I have yet in all my years received an answer.

Is it possible that you talk about your child a lot?

GoldDuster · 06/12/2023 18:04

Being at these group events isn’t great at all for my self esteem

This is your sign not to do the thing.

However if I duck out of them I think Inwill be seen as the issue or sulky.

And then what? Is the outcome of this worse than getting nervous and doing a number on your self esteem? I'd say it's your self esteem that's driving the negative voice telling you you'll be seen as an issue or sulky, rather than a fact.

I will be seen to be (or indeed will be) the one excluding the others.

They know what they're doing. They're sending you a message. It wouldn't be the worst thing in the world to pick up on it and change your behaviour accordingly.

PurpleBugz · 06/12/2023 18:33

Of the 3 you get on with choose the least gossipy and have a one on one meet up and say you are feeling this and outright ask if she is aware of the reason. And ask her advice on how to handle it.

Do you have other friends? If you do maybe it's not so bad to avoid the big group stuff and just meet the 3 you like. If you don't have other friends it may be riskier. Two of my close friends fell out and it ripped the group apart, I was really sad about it as I don't have many friends and now if I see them individually it's always gossip and trying to get me to dish what the other people are up to- completely ruined my only friends group so if I was in your situation I'd probably just suck it up as having no friends is utterly crap

User1343 · 06/12/2023 18:38

I would see myself as a, b and c’s friends and not give d, e and f any of my head space.

So I wouldn’t go to group stuff where it’s a-f people going and I wouldn’t get involved in any online chat with d-f.

I’d just send individual texts to a, b and c and socialise with them individually or as a 4.

GreyCarpet · 06/12/2023 18:52

I'm not sure why you wouldn't ask if you've all been friends for as long as you say.

nottaotter · 06/12/2023 19:37

@Marionberry what do you mean by trajectories?

LickleLamb · 07/12/2023 05:07

can you try to do things with the three friendly women individually and see how it goes - tell them why and get off the group chat.
some sort of jealousy regarding the baby I would guess.

whatchagonnado · 07/12/2023 06:43

A group of seven as a friendship group is big and to difficult to maintain and you've all done well to keep it together over that period of time. People's lives change and it's inevitable that some will naturally drift in different directions, especially when big life events such as getting married and having kids happens. The one who can't have kids may be getting alarmed that she's going to get left out of mums and kids events in the future. So the dynamic is changing- inevitably.
It's ok to not go to stuff due to pregnancy or having to look after a baby. It gives you the perfect excuse.
I don't think you should expect the dynamic of the group to stay the same in the future with all these changes happening
Find your mum and baby tribe

category12 · 07/12/2023 06:59

I'd focus on the friendships that feel good to you - and branch out socially to make some new ones as well. (I'd be concerned that with the dynamics changing, you may find yourself on the outside of the entire group at some point. Better have a wider social circle so it's less crushing if it happens.)

Marionberry · 07/12/2023 11:10

@nottaotter the trajectories of your life lived so people have plans but the trajectory of it may not go as planned. The path gets messed up from what the hoped for expected outcome was supposed to be. My SIL and I are the same age. We both started dating new men the same month, apparently MIL was very excited by all this. We then both ended up living with our respective boyfriends but DH and I were married and had a child within 3 years. They followed but then the paths diverged.

nottaotter · 07/12/2023 11:36

@Marionberry ok yes good point, I think thats true.

Bobbotgegrinch · 07/12/2023 14:47

Why wouldn't you just organise things with the 3 you like and just stop going to the group events?

Why does it matter if the 3 who don't like you take it badly, they already don't like you!

hottchocolatte · 22/04/2024 17:44

I know from experience sometimes one person in the group is not liked and have no idea so honestly there could be something you're doing that you're not aware of or it could be nothing to do with you such as you've had a baby and maybe she is struggling with infertility or had a miscarriage or something. You could ask if she has an issue with you or make more effort to be kind to her and then see what happens as sometimes we can be hostile because someone else is and it turns out it's not about us!

Alternatley you could just arrange to see the others if you don't want to see her.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 14/06/2024 21:03

I tend to always ask when someone appears to have a problem with me. I have yet in all my years received an answer.

I think this is because the person being asked is fully aware that if they put their reasons into words they will sound petty and ridiculous, and the truth is either they just don't like you, or something about you is difficult for them to be around, through no fault of yours.

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