Affair......Stay or Go?

[HereIAm0]

Need advice please as I feel like I'm going crazy. Before I start, I know this is of my own making and I have made awful decisions but I'm really stuck.

Myself and my husband have been together 11 years and married for 4. No children. We were hugely stuck in a rut with everything, and despite asking my husband to make more of an effort/take more of an active role in our marriage, nothing was getting better. In February of this year I started seeing someone else. I assumed it wouldn't actually ever properly get started or if it did that it would fizzle out, but it carried on for months and I ended up with feelings for this man and him for me.

In September my husband found out and was devastated. I honestly thought he would be angry and end it, but he was sad and didn't. Since then things have been rough to say the least. Up and down. We started marriage counselling but it hasn't really helped. Things are OK between us, we don't have sex (I don't want to) and for me, I still love him and view him as my home/my family but I don't have the desire and feelings for him, that I think you should have for your husband. He still wants me in that way, and has made it clear he doesn't want a relationship without sex (neither would I).

We have a mortgage/car finance/life together and are financially entwined fully. My family are my husband's family (his own are generally shit) and so I have a lot of guilt about ending things. I love him, care for him but I just don't feel the same and feel there is no excitement in our relationship.

When my husband found out, I ended things with the other guy but have actually since seen him twice and it feels exactly the same.

Would my feelings come back for my husband if I end things with the other guy properly? Or is it too late? Has anyone else been in a similar situation? What would you do?

Would you tell the other man you're staying and to go away for good? Or would you go, and maybe have a totally different life that could be everything you want/or not?

Any advice much appreciated.

I have PMed you.

You need to end your marriage. It's not fair to string him along when you don't have feelings for him anymore. He should be able to find someone who loves him the way he should be loved.

Break things off with the OM as well. Your whole relationship with him is based on lies, hurt and deceit. You need to find out who you are away from partners, work on your flaws and find out what you actually want. Then go for it.

I have voted go. I have been you in this situation. I had the affair, my husband was willing to move on (I told him) but I was in a place where I cared about my husband but wasn't in love with him and I wasn't attracted to him at all. I left, I AM with the OM (it's long and complicated, not straightforward, he wasn't a stranger, I'd known him most of my life), but I would have left anyhow regardless as the affair completely me, made me realise there was a different life out there for me and also I knew that even if we tried to move on it would be brought up all the time and the trust was gone (quite rightly of course). My ex-husband started tracking me during the period we were 'trying again' and I knew I couldn't live like that - it wasn't fair on me and it wasn't fair on him either that he lived with that level of insecurity.

I would leave… I didn’t have an affair and felt the way you do so I did leave.

You need to leave him. I came very close to having an affair with someone I had known my entire adult life, because I felt the way you do. It made me realise that I no longer loved my ex and that the fair thing to do, for both of us, was to leave him and allow us both to move on - but believe me, I did come very close.

Leave. I wish my ex husband had left before he started a relationship with someone else if he no longer loved me. Finding out and having to be the one to formally end the marriage was cruel and undeserved.

It sounds like your husband won't be the one to end things to the kindest thing you can do is to be the one to do it. He will be heartbroken but he will be ok in the long term and can be given the chance to find someone who does love him as he deserves.

Just to add though - that butterflies in the tummy, excited to see them feeling you naturally feel for someone new doesn't last...as my ex husband discovered after he was free to be with the OW.

I think you have to be brave, man up, pack your things and leave you husband. It seems that the only reason you are staying is because you don’t want to unsettle your comfortable life. Quite frankly I am not sure why your husband has accepted to stay and hasn’t asked you to leave. He will probably be hurt short-term but he will be much better off long tem. Release him and let him find someone who really loves him.
Have a relationship with this new man and see where it goes.

Just get divorced. Poor bloke.

Just leave.

All marriages and relationships are financially entwined. It can be undone and the best decision made for all

Don't stay because separation would be difficult- it will naturally be difficult for all even you deciding to split but overall the best option

Will your feelings come back for your husband? These ones?

We were hugely stuck in a rut with everything, and despite asking my husband to make more of an effort/take more of an active role in our marriage, nothing was getting better

Regardless of the other relationship, your husband lost you because he wasn't making an effort and didn't play enough of an active role. That's what you're fighting for, here; to win that back.

Move on. From both men. Move on to focussing on you.

Go, you don't live him as a partner.
Do both of you a favour and go.

Leave because it isn't fair on your husband.
I think you might discover that the grass isn't greener.

Go. With no kids it’s fairly clear cut when you have completely lost desire for someone. Doesn’t matter what happens with the OM, this episode has made it clear that you are no longer compatible with your husband and that’s not going to change. With no kids to keep you together there doesn’t seem much point. Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind and your husband deserves to meet someone who does desire him and want to be with him. Guilt and the other reasons you give are not enough.

Leave your husband.

Leave the affair partner.

Figure yourself out for a bit.

You're not suitable for any relationship right now. Your husband deserves a better woman.

If you ever cared about him, do the right thing...End things permanently with your husband.

Work on yourself.

You cannot force yourself to feel things you don't. Being involved with others while married because you want an reaction other than his normal responses...such perhaps as passion , jealousy....and a response of anger which you are hoping will be enough to get him to divorce you...

You are sleeping with another man while married to also test your own feelings for your husband...is sick and twisted.

There's no remorse.
The feelings aren't going return. Things with your husband has ran it's course.

Stop being a coward and intentionally hurting people and making yourself miserable...

Tell your husband everything. Apologize to him. Tell him that you're unworthy to be his wife and you want a divorce.

Leave. Ask for nothing.

Perhaps therapy would be beneficial for you.

Leave him, poor bloke deserves better. Your post is very me me me! All about what works for you!

His happiness counts and for him it’ll be short term pain for long term gain.

You have no children - go. You don't stay with people because of guilt. He clearly isn't making enough effort to keep you.
You only have one life, do not waste it on someone you don't love.
He is just a friend you are living with.
Do you want to get to 60 and realise you have wasted your life?

Read ‘not just friends’ by Shirley Glass. Also get yourself onto the surviving infidelity forum.

By meeting OM you are still cheating. You are in cheating mode and you will not fix your marriage (or get clear in your mind while you are in cheating mode).

Regardless of how shit your marriage was throwing a grenade in was never going to fix it. The three options were a) force counselling b) put up with it c) leave. Option d - start a relationship with a third party wasnt a valid option (or a useful option).

Affairs cause PTSD. Continuing in cheaters mode will further cause ptsd. Your marriage was blown up the minute you overstepped the line. This has lifelong repercussions for some victims. Trickle truth destroys marriages.

Cheaters poor character traits are the same traits that mean reconciliation is nigh on impossible. The marriage didn’t cheat - you did. So first you need to find out why you chose to cheat. You made thousands to decisions to cheat. Why? (Clue - it’s not unmet needs- his need for fidelity hasn’t been met but hopefully he realises shagging the postman, who is reliable and dedicated, won’t help meet his needs).

Why do you deserve to know the full truth about your marriage and he doesn’t? Why do you deserve fun on the side?
Thinking he wouldn’t care is part of the script (boringly predictable).

PTSD from infidelity is real. I hope he is okay. I don’t even know the chap but I would hate for him to have PTSD. You chose to share your life with your husband. You presumably did that willingly. Why would you continue something that has made him feel so awful?

When some cheaters exit cheating mode and realise they have acted against their own values and integrity they really struggle. No-one and nothing can make someone act against their beliefs (short of violence of course). Why do you have a ‘but’ in your fidelity?

I don’t cheat for me. My husband can be a pain in the arse. I have to look at myself in the mirror each day. Who am I if my word (vows) mean nothing? My husband can’t make me faithful. I do it for me. He’s my collateral damage. Unmet needs theory is a load of crap. Cuddles, meals together and oral sex doesn’t increase someone’s honesty, integrity or self respect.

Be single if that’s what you want. But look into why you chose to commit to fidelity when it’s clearly not a value you always believe in. Honesty too - why is it okay to lie? I wish you well but the grass isn’t always greener. I hope your husband is okay.

And yes your feelings can come back. It just depends if you think a marriage is always the exciting lust you feel at the beginning. That will fade but you are left with love (if you are lucky). It’s why people say ILYBINILWY. Again I think it’s nonsense. They mean they no longer feel the crazy limerance from the beginning of a relationship.

I had plenty of relationships in my 20s where I felt passion for 6-12 months then it faded and I realised the boyfriend just wasn’t for me. It’s exciting and new and novel. But it’s short lived. Then you get the ick or realise their quirks don’t fit with your quirks.

An affair isn’t real. No bills, problems, just fairy tales, stolen exciting minutes. Secrets and whispers. No food shopping or MOTs or mortgages. It causes similar brain reactions as addiction does. It’s why you can’t give him up despite breaking it off.

But most marriages from affairs fail.

Those in affairs rewrite history. Lots of research on this, it’s predictable, it’s not Romeo and Juliet.

Cheating in a nutshell is another good book.
Also how to help my spouse heal from my affair. Even if you split up well worth a read.

You won’t get out of cheating mode unless you go cold Turkey from this man. Then you may realise what you want. With no kids it will be easier to split tbh. Let him move on and recover with people who truly love him.

You're not being fair to him staying out of pity. He deserves to find someone else who feels something for him. I'm sure he knows all this too but do him a favour and finish it as it's not fair to make him do this. You should have done it before you had the affair