The outsider in the family

[CauliflowerMelon]

I have name changed as I'd like to keep my other posts anonymous and this subject could be outing to someone on here.

I have a fractured relationship with my parents who are both in their late 80s. I've undergone therapy over the years to try and resolve issues but they continue to this day. Fundamentally, they have always treated me as an outsider to the family but my sibling and their extended family have been treated very very well. There's a lot to it, but that's a brief summing up.

My father is quite seriously unwell and I live a six hour drive from them (due mainly to the reasons above). He is in and out of hospital and I have travelled to them on the last two hospital stays to support and offer support from afar as much as I can.

I have today found out via the grapevine that he is back in hospital. No one from my immediate family has informed me but after calling my sibling I'm informed they are with him.

Should I make the long drive, take time off work (limited holiday and an unsympathetic boss in a very small company), to be pushed out again or leave it? I'm very aware this could be the last time I see him.

I'm so sorry you've been through that. I would not risk my job at this point. It's so unfair that they are excluding you like this. Can you speak to the hospital and ask how your dad is?

Thank you, yes I can ring the hospital and find out how he's getting on. It's a recurring problem and he's been in and out so I know what to expect.

I don't want to make it about me, he's very seriously ill and I can't help but think if they wanted me there they'd have called.

People from dysfunctional families end up playing roles and yours here appears to be that of scapegoat with your brother being the golden child (itself a role not without price either). I was sadly not all that surprised to see that you've got nowhere with them over the years and that is because they do not want to resolve anything. They think they've done nothing wrong here re you and that you are their still errant daughter.

I would not take the time out to go visit your dad seeing as you only found out through the grapevine. What did your brother say when you found out dad was with him?. Is he the sort who says, "well you know what mum and dad are like?".

In January I would actively start looking for another job; having worked in a similar sized company I would never again work in such a poorly run firm.

Phoning the hospital re your dad would not make this all about you either.

Its not you at fault here, its them. They are the ones who have neither insight or empathy.

Thank you for your insight. Yes sibling denies there's ever been any problem and shrugs it off as insignificant. As do my parents. The last time I raised anything with them about it, I was told not to be stupid :-)

Thank you for your kind and understanding words.