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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Childhood trauma

16 replies

Fatherofan18 · 05/12/2023 22:17

Hi all. Not quite sure where to start. As a child I went through trauma caused my sexual abuse. Not from a parent or family member. It’s obviously had an affect on me, but I’m a tough guy and don’t let it bother me anymore 30+ years later, or at least I thought. Given what happened, it is difficult for me to be “spontaneous” and try it on as I’m petrified of the other person not wanting it. The problem is, my partner who I’ve been with for a few years mentioned a while ago that she gets frustrated when I don’t try it on, comparing me to her exs who would just “rip her pants off” and “fuck”her. It’s not something I can do for reasons obvious to me. She’s now so pissed of with it she regularly tells me the exs always wanted to “fuck” her. I do, I love having sex with her but I need to be passionate and I need to know she wants it. Ive never told anyone out loud what happened and won’t ever feel comfortable telling anyone, especially her as all the exs are boxers and fighters and she already sees me as weak, this will only make her see me as weaker. I have told her I have my reasons but she just calls soft and not a real man who wants to have sex all the time. I just need to have an idea what to do. Do I cut my losses, even though I don’t want to, should I expect her to respect that I have my reasons or do I need to find a way to tell her? Thank you everyone

OP posts:
MsRosley · 05/12/2023 22:21

I think you need to find a new partner who is more in tune with you, and prefers more gentle lovemaking to raunchy sex. You both sound incompatible.

Burnamer · 05/12/2023 22:24

She doesn’t very respectful of you so cut your losses and raise your standards.

Ficelle · 05/12/2023 22:24

Talk to her. If you feel safe doing so. She sounds a little unhinged to be fair, you might be better off with someone for whom sex is an act of love and not a performance.

thatwassociopathic · 05/12/2023 22:25

I think you need to ask yourself why you are with this person. She is not very nice to you, that's not normal behavior to be calling you soft and comparing you to her exes. It's bullying at best. Sorry, I'd be cutting my losses, and finding someone more compassionate. You may find with someone 'safer' you'd have to her already what happened to you. Know your worth.

HarrietofFire · 05/12/2023 22:29

She's not the one for you. Move on.

Fatherofan18 · 05/12/2023 22:31

The thing is she can be compassionate, but I worry she puts to much emphasis on sex

OP posts:
Fatherofan18 · 05/12/2023 22:32

I’m not saying raunchy isn’t good. But in order for it be raunchy it needs to build up to it. This was never a problem until she brought her exs up. That’s the big thing for me, how long will it be til she goes elsewhere

OP posts:
Useruser1212 · 05/12/2023 22:36

I think the reason she's bringing her exes up is because she's feeling insecure about your lack of initiation when it comes to sex. Could you try initiate in a way that makes you feel comfortable? Like kissing her neck or something along those lines, that way it is still sensitive but it's not pushing yourself on her and making you feel uncomfortable. I'm really sorry to hear what you went through. You are not weak at all, and I highly doubt your partner would think that you are weak for what happened to you. If anything you have incredible strength for getting through it.

Pessismistic · 05/12/2023 22:56

I get it I couldn't tell anyone only a counsellor and i don't take the initiative which h hates about me but that doesn't mean I don't want sex. you can tell her if your comfortable but some people can throw it in back in your face. it's odd she keeps mentioning how great these exes were but she's not still with them.
Can you see a counsellor then decide what to do especially if you really like her. Maybe she feels unattractive because your not ripping her clothes off or she feels sex is what she's best at. Sometimes it is what we are conditioned with and think it's not the norm if it isn't always happening good luck.

LittleMissSunshiner · 05/12/2023 22:58

Depending how long you've been together and if you'd like to try and make it work, you could take psychosexual counselling or Relate counselling?

Otherwise cut your losses and move on - find a more gentle and sensitive woman.

Watchkeys · 05/12/2023 23:06

Why are you staying in a relationship with someone who compares you (unfavourably) to her exes, and makes it clear that she views you as 'weak'?

Charlingspont · 05/12/2023 23:10

Find someone else. There are lots of people who'd hate to have their pants ripped off etc frankly.

cerisepanther73 · 05/12/2023 23:27

@Fatherofan18

You deserve a lot better than this,

the question you should be asking yourself is why have i accepted such a selfish emotionally abusive partner as this for so long?

She compares you to other men her exs,
your self esteem is at rock bottom in tatters allready,
hardly susprisely with the kind of shit you have been through at your most vunerable stage of life,

She makes out all men are sex maniacs, they aren't all like that,

she hasn't got the emotional maturity to be in a intimate relationship in first place, she just thinks she has,

being in a relationship to her it seems is all about the physical mechanism of sex that's it essentially for her,

if she was male you would see it, for what it really is
your relationship,

it's like you need to be a sex robot 🤖 to keep this one happy,

Do yourself a favour mate, get away from her for good,
your human being with all the range of emotions and feelings that goes with that, not an Ann Summer's dildo sex toy,

i amagine that under the surface you must feel quite used, cause of the way she mistreats you emotionally,

she sounds like pretty high maintenence, hard work to be around with or live with too.

If you stay with her much longer resentment will start to creep in to how you feel about her,
the rot of resentment has allready seeping in emotionally on her part,
she is not a good partner at all,

everything is about me , myself and I with her ,

i would strongly advise you to seek good therapy that specifically addresses the issues of childhood sexual abuse in a senistive manner...

cerisepanther73 · 05/12/2023 23:38

it works both ways,

what does she do emotionally ect for me too?

she emasculating you by comparing you to her exes,
ask her how would she feel like if you or any man who has been her partner ,compared her to their ex girlfriends then?

Ladyj84 · 05/12/2023 23:39

Someone who demeans you with names, brings up exes you need to move out and find a nice woman first of all. Second someone who does all that I would never ever share your story with her perfect to use as a weapon, make fun, spread around etc. sorry I may be a woman but I hate when women act like this. That isn't love I'm not surprised you don't particularly pounce on her I mean who goes on about exes if they love someone there with.

Kernackered · 05/12/2023 23:53

Is this a cuck thread??

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