clean slate ? please give me your opinion

[loucee]

very long story but basically DH and I had big fall out with inlaws and we cant seem to move on from it because inlaws wont hear us put our side of things to them. Every single person who knows about this fall out and the circumstances cannot understand our inlaws at all and think they are way out of order. After lots of talks over the phone and DH and FIL meeting up we were all going to meet up with our two children to wipe the slate clean and start afresh (FIL and I sorted this out). However MIL phoned to say that apparently DH has some conditions and if that's the case then there wont be a meeting at all and we will never have contact with each other again. I said we don't have conditions but yes we do want to discuss some things because we were devasted by their actions (and lack of actions) at such a life changing traumatic time for us. So MIL then says "no, that's not on there wont be a meeting then, that's it, no contact at all goodbye".

So, part of me is glad it's all over and we know where we stand and at least I wont ever have to put up with all the stuff that really gets to me about them (just regarding the kids really). For some reason MIL just will not let us discuss how it was for DH and I when they let us down but we have listened to why she was so hurt by us (which still didn't make us change our minds on how we feel about the situation).

Sorry this is so long and disjointed, basically now I'm thinking should we just agree to totally start afresh and not get our opportunity to talk about it which would be hard because like I said we both feel inlaws were very out of order and has totally changed the way we feel about them etc. Or do we stand by what we have said all along that until they can see it from our point of view we can't start afresh?

I know it must be hard to comment without knowing all the background but have a go!

Thanks

Ya..it's hard to totally respond when I'm not too sure of the underlying issue. But I do think that in-laws, despite how annoying they may be, are important to your children, and therefore it might be good to start fresh. That being said, can you ever really forget the past? Can/will the inlaws?

Thanks Nessamommy

DH feels his parents aren't really bothered about building a new and stronger relationship with him, they refuse to see the situation from our point of view and we both generally get the impression that they only want to wipe the slate clean so they can see our children. I can understand them wanting to see them but by the same token are unwilling to concede events from our perspective so everything seems to be on their terms.

DH and I had a big talk last night and I'm going to remove myself from any attempts to reconcile and leave it to DH. I will honor what he does/doesn't do but feel my input is probably more biased!

THnaks

You are probably doing the best thing. It is hard to say not knowing the history. If you can live with it and what happened then leaving it to him is sensible, they are his folks after all.

Your mil seems to want things all on her terms, which would irritate me, but if visits are infrequent does it matter??

BOM - yes that's the common factor here, MIL wanting/getting everything her own way. I have gone into detail on the situation before when it had just happened, I'll see if I can find a link.

If the visits are infrequent and just for them to see the Grandchildren but make no effort to improve relationship with DH then I am not sure what's the point to be honest? I realise they are Grandparents but they way they have behaved is not worthy of that title IMO.

I seemed to be better at negotiations and discussions with FIL, MIL and I clash now (never had a problem before this but actually it does appear she's had a problem with me for the 12 yrs we've been together) but I will leave it to DH.

found my thread here

Myself and DH have had a huge fall out with his parents and because they dislike me so much they think its perfectly ok to be really quite nasty to me. Obviously dh won't stand for this and inlaws won't apologise so we're at stale mate. Like you everyone else who knows what has happened cannot believe how they can behave in such a way yet they refuse to believe that they have done anything wrong.

We still haven't got an ending so I can't really offer you any advice! Good Luck!

sorry you're going through the same mampam, it's just awful.

i can imagine how frustrating that would be when all you want to do is get your side across and you're being met with a blank wall.as others have said they are his folks so he'll probably know the best corse of action to take.

I would walk away from them.

And I disagree with the sentiment that your children deed them in their lives - your children can do without such people in their lives.

and tbh your mil sounds like the kind of woman who will never be happy so you might be friends today and tomorrow she'll bring up some other reason to fall out.

having read the op, and the op of the other thread too...

i would say that your pil seem in the wrong. if they think they are being supportive, they are not doing a v good job of it. it sounds to me like they feel rejected and have done for some time. this doesnt sound like something thats come up out of the blue, but hey, i do not know the background.

but it also sounds like a bit of a mountain out of a molehill. it sounds like communication breakdown, leading to v hurt feelings at emotional and vulnerable times all round, but theres no huge crime as such.

i would say you should write them a letter that says something like ' ok, so dunno quite how weve all gotten so upset here, but it seems that we are all feeling v hurt one way or another. however, we are all adults and i think that in time we will want this to blow over. SO, how about we leave it for now, and then, when youre ready you can give us a call and we can get together, all have a hug and move on. no questions asked.'

I think, that would be the adult thing to do. they are family and you'll prob need them, and definitely wonder about them and you'll all regret any actual feud over something that in, what, 2 years time? are any of you even going to remember quite how this all started? and in the meantime, your babies are growing...

fwiw, i think they, the mil in partic, have not been supportive at all, that she has been wrapped up in her own hurt to see that. only you know if that crime is worth estranging them all from your lives forever.